languid

it's only january and i already feel so spent

i think j2 takes things to a whole new level: new set of stringent expectations from self on self, keep reminding myself that there is no need to strive because of my identity in christ but sometimes the line blurs between constant self-improvement and an unequivocal lack.

day six // in progress of pulling back those translucent curtains that obscure necessary ugliness  // there is a certain tragic irony when the only way to forget is to remember- to deliberately rub oil on a lacerated wound and remember the reason for eschewal, and to know that this will benefit in the long run - and i take heart in knowing that i am not alone

also keep forgetting to live in the moment in the midst of shuffling from one relentless activity to another, it's like i have to inwardly shout at myself most of the time to stop existing and start living, to appreciate the small beautiful things, to play my favourite tunes from 8tracks/ipod and pretend that i am invincible once again, to remember the things that i love and do them well- the fact that i forget is really telling of how i am merely just drifting.

last day of juggling tutorials with the dreaded sats, it's been exhausting carrying a balancing scale that never reaches an equilibrium on my shoulders

i am pretty messed up for sats & basically everything school related, but i have a Hope
& that Hope is an anchor for my soul

You are enough

my eyes are closing but i feel compelled to pen down these thoughts & internalize them in the process before they drift out of the recesses of my head (prospects that your heart isn't fully convinced about do not wait long to leave) 

1. ideals are shams (wake up sleeper)

2. seek not the product of the maker but the maker Himself: to chase only after the Father's heart 

3. lord, have my heart, have it all 

4. to be stoic to everyone except You

2k14 will be arduous (first week of sch feels like it has already been three terms) but psalm 23 shall be my armour

& nothing formed against me shall stand