having it all, just not at the same time

thinking back to my teenage years i'd spent so many moments wishing i were living in somebody else's body - the body of someone more brainy brimming with effortless charisma and leadership stature, living the life of someone who came home to a big house while being driven around in a flashy car that would make people look upon me with envious eyes, with the same kind of gaze that i'd use looking on as a endless stream of continental cars rolled into the school's driveway to pick up their daughters, in an era without private hire. much of my teenage life was lived from a position of scarcity and an acute awareness of what i was lacking based on the standards of this world. 

i wish i could go back in time to wrap my arms around my younger self and let her know that one day she would be able to start living life on her own terms. that one day these societal labels would matter less once she starts being able to decide and define for herself what these terms of success should be. that one day she would be able to live from a position of abundance and be content with the life that she has created for herself. that one day she will be so grateful to be living life in her own body, without wishing to be living the life of somebody else. 

the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the grass is truly greener where you water it. the other day i escaped the chaos of home to join my team for drinks. everyone seemed so surprised that i made it out alive and were so warmly welcoming. it felt good - i'd missed the feeling of being a part of something bigger. the mood was exuberant bc nearly everyone had hit or exceeded their numbers. collectively, we were a rocket ship and i'd missed the feeling of being onboard one. as we all raised our glasses in celebration of a fantastic financial year and the money made, i couldn't help but wonder how much i was missing out, just so that i could take time off to birth and nurture a new human being. 

it's such a human emotion - to have the world on your own terms and still yearn for what's missing bc you want to have it all. i read somewhere that "you can have it all, just not at the same time". the recent mornings after sending nayo to school have been so grounding. i've been enjoying getting my iced mocha on my walk back home before taking over my shift with natty until noon. as i cupped natty's face in both of my palms and felt her chubby, warm body against my chest, i remember thinking that i am so lucky to be living this life. to have this little family of four which we have created together. to have a partner i can do the hard things in life with. to have our two adorable girls - the cutest human beings i've ever laid my eyes on. to still be in a career where i have so much room to grow, despite the cost from slowing down to have two kids. to be on this paid break that sometimes feels like a vacation bc we have ample help. to be able to spend and give freely but still be living below our means. to be grounded in a church community who are our literal neighbours. to be living in this location that we have not stopped raving about since moving in four years ago. to have a new circle line station coming up at our doorstep.

we are so lucky to have this life as we know it. 

we are so lucky that we are able to feel content with what we have,

and go through life acutely aware of our abundance rather than lack. 

holding on to you, 

the incarnation of our love - 

our adorable little dumping. 

whenever i feel greedy and want to have it all,

at the same time.

whenever i feel my heart sinking as i watch

peers from the same starting line

make vertical career progressions

or lateral career moves into new territories.

i pause and watch on 

as you coo at me 

and stretch your chunky limbs,

while looking deeply into my eyes -

locking my gaze with

those big, round and gleaming eyes. 

i cup your moon-shaped face in my palms 

and take in 

that cheeky toothless grin 

mirroring my smile.

my heart swells.

like a balloon it grows bigger and bigger.

until it feels like it's about to explode. 

in that moment, my heart and head both remember: 

i am where i need and want to be.

the grass is indeed greener 

where i water it.

this is our garden of eden,

blessed by God and manifested

from our books of what constitutes an ideal life,

in the beauty of His time. 

a quiet sense of empowerment

this will probably be the final post before i enter the next season of our lives. 

after months of hustling, it feels like such a gift to be able to slow down and just nest whilst in this limbo period of waiting: to grab coffee and a massage on quiet mornings after dropping toddler n off at school, to take in the joy of unhurried reading, to pivot towards making the house feel orderly and like ours again. 

i didn't see this coming when we first ushered in 2025 - but i think this year is shaping up to be one of the most empowering years of my life thus far. i think the last time i felt something remotely similar was back in 2016, with my three month solitary stint in new york that ignited an unquenchable thirst for personal growth that culminated in two other solitary sojourns across the globe. while previously that reverberating feeling in my chest had been one of passion and fire, it somehow feels different this time - how should i best describe it? it feels like a quiet sense of affirmation, the way i imagine it feels when someone you respect gives your shoulders a gentle squeeze at the end of an arduous chapter and whispers "you did well my child". 

i didn't expect this year to be the year of conquering some of my deepest and long-standing fears that i've harboured in my life thus far: sticking through a year of doing tech sales, even while i felt like i was constantly treading water and couldn't see the light - until finally achieving a breakthrough. picking up driving again in third trimester (i haven't been behind the wheel ever since getting my license back in 2018, which we all know is not equivalent to being ready on the roads) and being able to fulfil (i know it sounds silly) part of my life's vision of being able to drive our kid(s) to school and depend solely on myself to go anywhere i want to go. and what's upcoming: confronting the rite-of-passage of childbirth again to get to what i imagine as the truest and most beautiful version of my life, particularly after a traumatic delivery with our firstborn who is the dearest little creature we have ever laid our eyes upon. 

earlier this week i drove myself to paragon for my ob-gyn appointment, grabbed my nostalgic drink order at starbucks (matcha-espresso, which will always remind me of a particular morning in sophomore year after i pulled an almost all-nighter for an assignment) before my appointment, treated myself to a solitary feast at sushiro for lunch after, and then drove back home for a 2-hr nap. it was a perfect day. i'm currently reading morgan housel's new book "the art of spending money", and there is one part of the book that talks about the utility of money to purchase not experiences per se, but memories that will form nostalgia in time to come. i think this day will be one of those days i'll look back fondly in time to come. as i wrote before, what constitutes fulfilment and contentment for me in this life is feeling like i am working closer towards manifesting what i deem to be the most beautiful version of my life, and operating from a position of abundance rather than scarcity. it is such a blessing to feel that i am living in alignment with these aspirations and values. 

and i will remember: "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" - james 1:17 

remembering what a good season feels like

it's been awhile, and life has also altered quite significantly since nov last year. the passage of time is an interesting concept to grapple with - how are the days so long but months so short? in living month by month and quarter by quarter, the days had seemed so hard and the journey so arduous, but suddenly in the blink of an eye we are finally reaching the place we had struggled to envisage in our heads. 

nine months seem like a long time to grow a human being from conception, but if you really think about it, it means that absolute nothingness can blossom into living flesh within the span of the same year. in tabling my previous diary entry last november, it had never crossed my mind that (God willing), we will be welcoming a new member of our family by the time our earth makes a full round around the sun. but truth be told, this pregnancy has been so different from my first born's. somehow wearing the title of "pregnant working mother" in such a demanding role like this one has meant that i simply, hardly have time to pause and remember that i am simultaneously growing an entirely new human being - until i am lying in bed at night and feel our little growing one doing her cute wriggles within me. especially in this season of closing off my first good quarter and putting my best foot forward for the next one - my big bet which i really, really hope will pay off before i leave - life has been hectic both in and outside of the household for the most part. dealing with meltdowns from the terrible twos while exhausted from a hard day of hustling and chasing after deals. decompressing for a few hours on our saturday date nights. rinse and repeat. solitary gynae visits by choice in between working hours so that i can hammer things out on my laptop if i had to wait (case in point: i showed up alone for my gestational diabetes check bc i wanted to use all three hours of blood-taking and interval-waiting to progress my deals; with toddler n, i had a mini entourage waiting alongside me, followed by a nice long lunch together at paragon and a rewarding nap at home). but in a strange way, tiring as the work week is - work has been (at times) quite empowering, now that i feel i'm slowly getting better at what i do. 

speaking of good quarters, i just want to pause and take in the feeling of what a good quarter feels like. the previous quarter was absolutely horrible and i remember sitting on the edge of the rocky shore in east coast with m during one of our date nights, feeling my heart sinking into the depths of the sea as i wondered if i would ever make it through even after so much striving. but God has been so faithful even as i have been faithless. the money can get really good if you close big and close well, but this role has made me realise that i am inherently not motivated by money (an irony). i have come to realise that i am inherently motivated by the feeling that i can be and that i am good at what i decide to put my mind to. i am reminded of this picture that i saw a few years ago - from the top view it may look like one is going around in infinite circles, but the reality is so different - from the side view, one is actually spiralling upwards and soaring higher into the skies. these days i keep having this thought: maybe if i hold on long enough and hone this craft, i will reach my breakthrough point soon? 

i think this is why i am putting in so much effort and hope into this final big bet before i enter another very different season (i joke that it's like jumping from one crappy hole to another - i am looking forward to a respite from perpetual stress, but i'm not looking forward to taking on the role of a mother cow who's perpetually sleep deprived from 3-hourly feeds). i was also reflecting on my csm career with m last night, trying to fall back asleep after toddler n woke all of us up with her demanding cries for cuddles and milk at 3am last night. learning how to do b2b software sales has gifted me with such exponential professional growth (m says my math has gotten so much more accurate since starting this role that it catches him by surprise), but it's actually foundations from being a csm and staying in that craft for a relatively longer time (compared to my peers) that gives me the "muscle-memory" and confidence to steer this sizeable rfp ship. without the prior experience on strategic, enterprise accounts in my previous career stint, i don't think i would have the ability or know-how to delegate work and orchestrate massive coordination across multiple internal and external stakeholders (both the customer and our partners), while maintaining clear communication channels to ensure everyone remains aligned and fulfils their role within this deal. i am just thankful that those years weren't wasted experience, even though they had felt like a career slowdown for the sake of us prioritising bringing toddler n into this world. all i can say is that the upcoming quarter looks tough (as always), but i just want to pause and give thanks for moments when things feel like they are finally falling into place. 

it is finally the weekend - i've worked so hard this week and i am thrilled to be able to bask in the fruits of my labour from the work week. work can sometimes feel so looming and overwhelming while in the thick of it, especially during monday forecast calls. but coming back to a warm and noisy home daily have just been so grounding. work is but one of the many facets of my life - toddler n's cheeky grin when she's up to no good and the warmth from clasping her tiny hand during car rides on our family adventures are truly the larger picture in life that make life so worth living. 

what constitutes happiness and contentment?

i've been thinking a lot about what brings me contentment and happiness these days.

for me, it ultimately boils down to these few things:

• freedom to do what i want, whenever i want it
• operating from a position of abundance rather than scarcity
• a sense of fulfilment from being one step closer to manifesting my idea of the truest and most beautiful story of my life that i can imagine. 

inevitably there are and will continue to be bad days, but today i want to remember what being in a good headspace feels like. 

the weekends are such a relief bc i have time to slow down and bask in the fruits of our labour from the work week. 

it is precisely hard work that makes rest days truly so restful. it is also work that brings bread to the table and enables me (and by extension, us) to feel like we can operate from a position of abundance. 

there are times during the work week that i find myself momentarily wishing i were another person in another role doing something else that would feel easier than whatever i'm going through feels to the current me. but on the weekends when we are splurging on nicer restaurants and the little, spontaneous purchases that still constitute as "spending below our means" - just bc we feel like it, i find myself being so grateful for the work that we get to do, bc it enables us to operate from a position of abundance rather than scarcity. there are few things more cathartic than blowing cash on something that you really want on whim, and knowing that you can do that bc it does not make a dent on your existing finances. 

work is high stress but i know it will pay high dividends in the long run - not just monetarily but from the perspective of professional growth. the learning curve is steep but so are the tangible and intangible upsides. learning how to be ok with rejection or awkward situations, learning how to get better at qualifying hard and fast by asking the right questions, stepping up to the negotiation table and navigating that delicate "dance" of give-and-take, sharpening the art of persuasion, honing on that executive presence to engage with c-suite decision-makers who need to be the ones performing the sign-off etc - there is so much to gain from this role if i can just hold on, one quarter at a time. and with God's providence and grace, i know i can. 

it is also precisely bc work is tough that i know these growing pains are bringing me closer to where i envisage i want to be. every few months i go back to the narrative of what i imagine as the truest and most beautiful version of my life that i wrote back in 2022, before we even conceived baby n.  

"we're at the mall and i'm clasping the tiny palm of our little baby girl...even trips to the supermarket have become family adventures now." 

" i take in the scene of what has now become my world - our baby girl sleepily snuggling her nose into m's chest...life now is an amalgamation of quiet moments and sheer havoc. we ricochet between the two extreme ends. sometimes the incredulity of it all makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time, but in an ironic sense it is also the havoc that completes us and we wouldn't have it any other way." 

there is now a face that completes this narrative. it is a face we have all come to love dearly, and i feel so blessed to be able to do this in tandem with working on my career, even as i grit my teeth through the agonising moments rigged with anxiety and stress. 

in a weird sense - i think this is what happiness and contentment feel like. there is no perfect situation or happy pill that makes everything magically happier or life more content. it is found in moments where a delicate balance is struck between grit and enjoying the fruits that strife brings. 

i'm exactly where i want and need to be, even though it feels like i'm treading water

when times get hard, i take in the scene of what has become my present world - a cheeky grin, two tiny ponytails made out of wisps of hair, the echo of bubbly laughter and the familiar feeling of homecoming as a family of three. i remember that life is so much bigger than work. she reminds me that life is so much bigger than work, or even a career. that a job at the end of the day - however insurmountable its challenges may seem, is just a job. 

i have heard from multiple people that it's been incredibly brave of me to pivot into something so aggressive like a hunter tech sales role in this ruthless climate, particularly right after becoming a new mother. 

the journey has been rigged with its fair share of challenges and stress - but ironically, it is motherhood that grounds me in the midst of this difficult journey. at my work i am always dispensable. but i am anchored in the fact that i am irreplaceable at home. one of my favourite feelings after a hard day of work is watching n's face light up and hearing the cutest "mama" as i push open the front door. that instantly puts everything into perspective. 

the road's been tough bc i am only four months in. the beginning is always tough, but it will get easier with time. 

the narratives we tell ourselves are so important in shaping how we perceive and act. 

when i feel like giving up is an option, i'll remember that i worked so hard just to be here and have this life that i now live. that there are many others who are working equally hard so that they can have a shot at being in the same position that i now take for granted. 

i'll remember that however difficult it's been, i am exactly where i want and need to be. that other paths may seem easier or more lucrative, but those are not paths i would have wanted to be on anyway. i am slowly manifesting the life that constitutes the truest and most beautiful version of this life i want to live. 

i love this little family we have created and i feel so blessed to be able to be live out this dream of pursuing my career in tandem with parenthood. the grass is greener where i water it!

(i hope i'll find an answer to whether this career is for me soon, but even if it turns out this isn't what i'm meant to do, i would have lived knowing i gave it a shot and it wasn't for me.) 

i'll remember that the Lord is my provider and giant-slayer, and remember why He has opened this door for me in this secular marketplace (to be set apart, like salt and light). 

i will say goodbye to the sinking feeling in my chest or the "sunday scaries" from unproductive overthinking. 

"just do it" shall be my new professional mantra that i will pursue to block out all the white noise. i am reminded of this quote that has stuck with me since i came across it a few years ago: 

“inaction breeds doubt and fear. action breeds confidence and courage. if you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. go out and get busy.” - dale carnegie

i will confront and conquer my fears until i no longer feel fear anymore. and this is perhaps why i am here and what will be my most valuable gain out of this role. it is to conquer everything i've been scared of professionally, until they no longer scare me anymore. 

i hope that one day i'll look back at this entry with not a shred of fear left, and pat myself on the back for holding on even when i couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. 

restored back from exile

it has been more than a week since i started work back at the same company that i was previously at, now having pivoted into a role that has been on my career bucket list for a long while. it was a role that i knew deep down i was running away from, but was also cognisant that i should attempt it at least once in my professional life, so that i will be able to confidently say that i've tried and either conquered it, or realised it isn't for me. 

"...when seventy years are completed for babylon, I will come to you and fulfil My good promise to bring you back to this place." 

i have been restored back to this place that i was once from. 

in a really human way, waiting on God's timing was difficult while being in the thick of it. even as door after door slammed shut in my face, i knew in my heart that God had the best plan in store for me, but i would be lying if i said my optimism and faith did not waver as the months started stretching out. not knowing when a drought will end is a scary feeling. i yearned for the relief of rain to come and deliver me from what had seemed like the pointless toil of tailoring applications after applications without an end in sight. 

but that experience has demonstrated once again that God's divine providence and timing are indeed impeccable. my severance package was at the tail end of its generous lifespan - it was slated to run out by may this year, but my current payroll will begin from this may onwards. the little "merry-go-rounds" i went on while searching for the right opportunity enabled me to build resilience while plant(ing) and eat(ing) in the season i was in. but most importantly - that season of professional drought enabled me to not just witness, but also play an active part in caring for our tiny newborn and watching her blossom into a feisty little human being with the cutest babbles to express her big emotions which she hasn't quite found the words for. i always knew i needed that season, but now that i am away from baby n for majority of the time during the weekdays, i am so thankful that i had ten solid months of quality time with her.

in this new season, i want to remember that my worth is not in how many deals i close or how much revenue i bring in, but in my identity as the daughter of the most High. i want to remember that money can get really good but i am ultimately a steward of my resources, and the true value of money is its use in showing the people around me that i care about them. i want to remember that He is my giant slayer, and i only need to pull heavenly strings when i have tried my best and exhausted all my options. i want to remember that i am here to be salt and light on this earth, that my actions may point people towards Him. 

i know the road ahead will be tough but i am both encouraged (by my new team who reminds me of my grad program ohana) and excited to meet with the denise of the past from nyc's union square in '16. i've really missed the feeling of setting my heart alight from stepping up to face something that had hitherto scared me, showing up for myself despite the fear and conquering it until it no longer scares me. my muscle for showing up for myself had atrophied during my time working at home and i am exhilarated to be meeting with the favourite parts of my former self in this upcoming season. 

riches even in a season of exile

these few days i've been waking up with a sinking feeling in my chest, feeling beaten down by the poor market climate, by the multiple doors slamming in my face, by the voices in my head echoing the world's view that i'm not good enough, not relevant enough, not experienced enough etc. 

here comes the feeling i've thought were of days past:

feeling left behind by the world and daunted by the widening gap between where i am and where i want to be professionally. 

flashback to the post-jc days where i was swirling yoghurt and cashiering at kinokuniya while my peers were pursuing corporate internships with prestigious organisations; to when i was put on the waitlist for my dream college and didn't know where i'd eventually land up - while my peers were already knee-deep in preparations for their rag & flag performances; to days when i was still single and in pursuit of a romantic partner, but could not find anyone who deemed me worthy enough to commit to.

this season feels like one for the books - another example that i can stash away into my book of "feeling left behind by the world". 

i think this is precisely why this season has been difficult for me - it cuts deeply into my greatest insecurity of feeling like i've been left behind, while everyone else seems to be bounding ahead with ease. 

but in the midst of being in the thick of this valley, God i hear You - a quiet voice whispering:

'this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from jerusalem to babylon: 

build houses and settle down, plant gardens and eat what they produce...also seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which i have carried you into exile. pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper...

when seventy years are completed for babylon, I will come to you and fulfil My good promise to bring you back to this place. 

"for I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord, "and i will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you", declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." ' 

- jeremiah 29:4-14

i may feel like i'm currently circling wastelands, but even in this season You are asking me to settle down, enjoy what i have, seek You earnestly and wait on Your timing. 

and in that glorious timing of Yours, You Lord, You will personally escort me back to the desired place of my heart. 

so i will wait. as You have always done, i will wait for You to open that one door that no man, thing or circumstance will be able to close. that one door i will wait on, even as all the other doors close shut in my face. 

i will plant and eat, and seek both the peace and prosperity of this place of exile. even in this place, You have made me so rich.

You have given me our dearest daughter n, who is the most precious little human being i have ever come across - she is our little bundle of joy who is worth infinitely more than the greatest riches, and whom money cannot buy; 

someone i wholly love and trust to journey this valley with, who can take care of both n and i and bear the financial burden of our family alone, should this wintery season extend into the months ahead; 

my former bosses and work friends who are rooting for me and finding ways to either advocate for me from their positions of power, or hire me back - the people in this world who can still see my value shining through and constantly remind me of that - despite what the rest of this world tells me - that my skillsets are still relevant, still worthy, and still in demand; 

the support of family and friends (close friends, cg mates etc.) outside our little family of three - in the form of words of encouragement, career advice and even working through interview preparation and case studies with me; 

enough in my bank account to wait out this season of exile; 

and most of all, i still have You - You who goes before me, You - my biggest giant slayer, You - the creator of this universe. You who pulls heavenly strings for me that i need only be still in a season of striving. 

i will wait for this season to be yet another testimony towards Your realness and Your goodness. as You have always been. 

in the words of a former colleague whom i bumped into yesterday just before my interview: "i'm rooting for you, denise".

even from this place of exile, i still have so many people rooting for me. even when i feel like i don't have much going for me in this one area of my life, i look around and i find - i am still so, so wealthy.