to forget / to remember

yesterday:
(take five 2014)

with legs ankle-deep in the phlegmatic sea & feet feeling the texture of damp sand, i back-faced a crowd of fortuitous drifters & tried to case myself up like an ancient relic for a private, solitary moment.

eyes closed: i was ready

rock music was blasting in the background but all that was ringing in my ears was what i'd read from an article of thought catalog - the words that are easy to utter but difficult to act upon

delete delete delete delete d e l e t e

for my own sake i had to let go of my treacliness, for my own sake i had to kill the ideas that had been borne out of my being, the very ideas that were toxic, that were like weeds wrapped around my throat

yet these weeds were special. they were perfumed; they were delicate; they were beautiful. even though i knew they strangled me, they felt like part of my psyche - they made me feel alive.

one by one, i pulled them at the roots, from the roots.
if our eyes were cameras and  memories could be completely captured in a roll of film, i pictured myself setting it alight from the starting end. i watched the hungry flames devour everything in its path; i heard them echo "delete" as everything smothered into ashes & their remains were languidly carried away by the sea breeze.

delete delete d e l e t e. slowly i felt my insides lighten, i felt a smile hovering on my lips, i felt like i could finally feel invincible again. if vacuity was what it took to secure a sense of closure, then i rather lightness than heavy ideas built on shams.

there will be no turning back & i pray that You will seal this work with Your hands.

//

tuesday:
(last day of kaleidos'14 & onite)

felt such an acute lassitude by day four i thought i was ready to crumble into a heap but i need to remember how alive i felt when we emerged from the glass doors & strutted down the aisle as a comm during the onite item. i need to remember that inexplicable happiness i felt during our last onite rehearsal where everyone was so dead we were alive- how we laughed at every single thing (that wasn't funny) because we were all on a high, how i just collapsed on the floor & nearly streaked tears when fs did ringalinga with a gigantic axe & gun prop picked up from backstage, how r went hysterical because jj said oolong tea was "water with a taste" - i wish i could pen all these memories down but they lose their essence when translated into words.

i need to remember how goosebumps erupted from my arms when i watched the competitors of dance-off regurgitate the batch dances - our dances that were birthed from scratch since late november 2013, how i unconsciously shrank because of "the feels" - how memories,dating from snd's first dry run where we learnt one another's choreography to the filming of the batch dances at sentosa's boardwalk, replayed themselves in my head.

i need to remember the warmth emanating from og dinners with hh04 - how they so sweetly treated us to pizza on the last day, how b & i completely yolo-ed & killed our already wonky throats by devouring more pizza slices and downing them with pepsi, how our "truth & truth" (because there was not a soul besides us to spring a dare on) session became more of a subtle (but nonetheless) heart to heart talk about insecurities/bgr, how the tranquil and dim backdrop of the playground where we hung out was just perfect for the last dinner together (in a long, long while).

kaleidos'14 was the perpetrator for (my missing of) five days of classes, a beaten health that is still in the progress of recuperation, more than three weeks worth of late nights- but in return i got so much more: the intangible, small things that allow me to say that i have indeed, lived, even if it was just for awhile.

february

hello february: 

as orientation'14 inches closer i feel like my hands are increasingly ladened with a myriad of mutually-exclusive things all demanding my immediate attention. i am a mediocre juggler - the effort it takes to keep up makes me languid, but i thank god that i believe in what i am doing & i honestly wouldn't have it any other way. january/february (i speak for the future) without late nights spent with snd polishing up different dances for different purposes would/will not have been real -would indeed have been vacuous without this group of lovely people so munificent with their love & laughter :-) 

//

catch-up lunch with one in a million today (squeezed out time between snd practice) before the guys enlist for army was so blessed :-') honestly haven't laughed so hard for a long, long time and lunch today was just the epitome of a happy time; but what made my heart sing above all was when we said grace together before we ate - always feels good when god comes true in the littlest ways amongst a supposedly secular group of people.

//

these coming two weeks will be madness, but i know they will be so worth it.  

psalm 23: 

"He makes me to lie down in green pastures; 

He leads me beside the still waters"