processing

the way we trivialise "bye" and "see you" in our interactions with one another, taking them as given - bc how can there be any finality when the contrary is never at the back of our minds until past the breaking point?

the way i close my eyes & all i can remember are the little, inconsequential things that i didn't know i even picked up from when i saw you last, on monday; the way i'll always come to class & you'll already be there, black windows laptop & all with your black charger plugged into the wall, giving me a smile (that now it makes sense, it was a sad smile, it had always been a sad smile but i had simply thought it was tiredness, like we all are to different degrees) as we exchanged "hi"s & prepared for yet another lecture.

the way we hardly interacted but i still did (secretly) consider you as one of my closer friends in that class bc you were one of the few who would acknowledge me with a smile if we did bump into each other outside of class, & bc it became an unspoken standardisation of some sort that we would always be sitting at the same table for almost every single lesson - & how i remember specifically last monday it was just you and me at that table bc j sat at the back for the first time.

the way i find it so sad that we as a community - so capable of warmth and love in the aftermath, have retracted into our little shells & chosen the easier way of indifference in our interactions with each other - the way i have been guilty of choosing indifference over kindness bc it is just less tiring to detach emotionally than be caught up over whether your smile to an acquaintance was reciprocated or not.

the way i am so moved & proud of the strong support system we have here - was tearing up last night at every single email either from the administration or the professors who all genuinely understand the need to drop everything & just sit with processing it as a human being dealing with loss, tearing up at how our rector spent the night sleeping in a sleeping bag in the common lounge just so anyone who didn't want to get through the night alone could have someone - a physical being, there for them (how powerful a symbol that is); yet even with all these support systems in place how much of them were enough? will they ever be enough?

the way this made me realise you'll never know how far reaching an impact you have on people until it's done - how everyone here has been shaken in one way or another, just to varying degrees.

the way this hits so close to home bc this college is just too damn small, & more so bc it's a startling realisation that it is possible, & that we are only & merely three years old.

the way i really hope you found solace in that moment, in that choice.

hello recess week

when the world tells me i'm not enough, in so many different ways
i will say: to hell with you all
& invest, invest, invest
in making myself stronger, better, smarter.

thankful for feelings

have always been a feeling person & i know sometimes when things get hard i always wish i didn't have this thing called feelings but "be careful what you wish for" bc if one day i really awoke without the ability to feel anything i know that is when i'll be truly gone.

this morning i know i am still saved bc plugging into tame impala still has the ability to make my world feel brighter than it already is, & for that i am thankful.

¿por que? porque

"sí, corté mi pelo para marca una nueva dirección en mi vida." 

am being ambitious but i'm going to start practicing conversational bahasa melayu again while picking up spanish, even though they (sometimes) overlap with each other in my head.

i will only hold on to the languages worth holding on, para mí.