somersaults in my head

i want to be everything good present and future i want to have it all and it's possible to have your cake and eat it that i think sometimes i feel so stifled by my own expectations of myself no no no don't rest on your laurels god opens doors of opportunities to those who hustle and earn their keep keep growing don't stop all these platitudes "you are first a daughter of god and not your own strife" i know but would being a daughter of god without hard work still be a fulfilling life and an edifying one? go go go you can do this you are kickass and a go-getter as if i wouldn't be me anymore if i stopped my endless pursuit of personal growth no no no don't break down on me you are strong that's who you are -

i think i need a hug?

from seoul: puedo ser feliz

"puedo ser feliz, caminando relajada entre la gente" 

think this line from shakira's "la bicicleta" encapsulates my current psychological state - the feeling of contentment and tranquility while walking in symphony with the crowd on seoul's busy streets, amongst people who hold a completely different passport from me. the feeling that mirrors how i had felt in my solitary walks in new york. in hong kong. in different parts of spain. the feeling that stems from knowing that i had become one and have now surpassed my discomfort. that i have invested duly in myself and am reaping the rewards. that i am one step closer to becoming a more global individual. language is my way to feel connected and to connect with people, and seeing the confluence of different languages familiar to my ear in a seemingly homogenous metropolitan city always feels absolutely magical - as if i got into a time capsule and went back to a moment in my life where i used to be surrounded by that language or culture, the feeling of being in a nice kind of flux. i used to chafe at ync's propensity to keep things "open-ended" - why name a predominantly political major "global affairs", when the introductory course (according to many) does not accurately reflect the bulk of its integrity? i am now beginning to see how this major fits me like a glove - i enjoy politics all the same, but as i keep my eyes peeled for potential capstone ideas, maybe - just maybe, i wouldn't do my capstone on politics per se afterall. everything is political, but with my increasing fascination for products of globalisation - continuously evolving businesses, rapidly changing music juxtaposed against the universality of certain types of tunes and aforementioned observation of languages etc, i think i will find a way to explore this fascination with the mandatory and dreadful capstone looming ahead.

to a large extent i've been disillusioned with korea, but i know this has not been a wasted trip. i am an idealistic realist, and i like seeing the positive side in everything i do. the copious amounts of spare time here has allowed me to invest in things that are important to me - skype conversations with my bae, exploring more opportunities back home, picking up new quantitative skills and building my reserve for rest - which i will definitely need once next year picks up. and of course, getting to know the beauty market here, and honing on my skincare routine. (on my spendthrift habits on skincare: i told bae once before that money is fleeting but face is forever, wouldn't you agree with me?)

approximately three weeks left till i am bound for home and i guess i am just filled with thankfulness. the future ahead looks promising but is still so disconcertingly uncertain. i am content bc i've tried my best though, to reach out and capitalise on opportunities, and i am still preparing myself to be ready for these opportunities when they knock on my door. i hate the absence of clarity, but one thing remains clear for me: all the closed doors in my life led to other better open ones, bc God indeed is the wisest and knows the best for me. i spent a few nights ago just penning down in detail what the lord had done from me every since he gave me a prophetic promise in 2k14 i.e. to take me from "strength to strength and glory to glory". "what others would take ten years, you would take only three". "are you in any leadership roles? because i see you will become a leader one day". leader? me? i had hitherto strayed from any high profile leadership roles in rg and rj bc i just didn't think i had the quality for it. and here it was - a man of God from church was telling me so surely that i was going to be a leader someday, and that i had the quality for it. in retrospect - maybe i was an unpolished diamond then bc i will unabashedly say that my ultimate overarching career goal now is to one day (in the distant future) helm an established mnc. i still don't know how i will get there, but i think i will be able to make it, someday.

the doors that He subsequently opened for me (and of course He did make me wait, through aching hearts and the occasional hot tears) were all in perfect timing. my scholarship application to nac (which i put in the most effort bc i wanted so hard to be a literary editor at that time in my life) was a complete failure (well obviously it failed bc there are obviously so many more people out there who are passionate about the arts scene). while all my friends whom i saw on equal footing got into ync, He made me wait until (literally - i still remember it was 5.55pm when i received the call) the last moment when the waitlist was stipulated to close (and meanwhile, i got rejected for all biz orientation camps i applied for bc ~obviously~ He had already planned for me to get into my current school). my spanish scholarship failed on first try while all my other entry-level spanish classmates that i knew got it (of course it had to fail for me to even get the opportunity to intern in new york city, ~duh~). and of course all the doors He opened for me: getting the spanish scholarship and my rare 2 months !!self-sourced!! stint at sephora for summer this year (won't go into the details but even that was miraculous), along with all the other opportunities and giant-slayers He has placed in my life. how can i not trust Him now? afterall, if i had to codify my life in six mere words, it would be:

work hard and pull heavenly strings.

when i look back at my life - including how i'd met the current love of my life - it was all God working His thing in His perfect timing.

I used to wonder what my calling in life could be - if i had never felt it was my natural inclination to do community service or go on missions to evangelise etc., what could i possibly do for a living that will glorify Him? corporate never seemed like a place where God would have a place in. and it's precisely bc of that i think perhaps if i ever do make it big in the corporate world next time, i would want to use that position to help and mentor people, just like christ would.