don't let me down - the chainsmokers
[2016]
my first memory of this tune is me asking why geoff brought his bose speaker to lit hum ii class, and him introducing me to the "sick beats" of this then-new hit. it holds memories of freshman year - the nights i spent pounding out one foot in front of the other on the treadmill with a heavy and lonely heart, angry at the microcosm of this world for making me feel like i was not enough. the wee hours of the morning when the beats reverberated through the stereo like the steady pulse of a pumping heart, bringing along with it a body of bodies with their arms strewn up. eyes raised to the ceiling, i gave myself up to this rhythm of emptiness, unsure if the numbness i felt was due to the alcohol or my psyche. just tonight, i told myself, just for tonight. i would let myself go, just for tonight.
body gold - oh wonder
without you - oh wonder
technicolor beat - oh wonder
[2016]
post-work out night walks from the gym back to the saga towers. now that the catharsis of pent-up anger was done, all that was left was just a sinking sense of loneliness. a benign kind of sadness, just like solitude's twin brother - the familiar, dull ache of sadness that was actually comfortable to dwell in. it was as if i were cajoling loneliness, my old friend: "loneliness, come sit with me in the silence of the night". with these tunes in my ears, even small actions could seem poetic in the stillness of the night. tapping my access card against the elm gate and watching it slowly open. crossing the threshold between both spaces and feeling like i was drifting back into where i belonged - alone, lonely but content. those nights spent sitting at utown green watching the lights from neighbouring towers brighten up the already starry sky. yes, i am content. yes i am mulan, in no need of any shang.
aloha - mome, merryn jeann
[2016]
this tune reminds me of fortuitous friendships in the most unlikely of places. new york city drinking nights with vincent. how were we not even friends in ync? weekends in this concrete jungle would have been so lonely without a friend to hunt for boba and get my chinese cuisine fixes with. thank God for the new haven-new york train that brought this gem of a friend here almost every weekend in the month of june. thank God for my yss summer pals who could come to new york city and spend some of their weekends with me. it was incredibly lonely being a small girl working in a big city, but i relished weekends in the month of june knowing i had company. this tune also reminds me of walking around manhattan with akash from afternoon till night - that friend from rj math class that i really couldn't stand, but somehow became friends and hung out with in a city on the opposing end of the globe from where we were. nights getting thai food, taking in the biggest blood moon i had ever seen hanging over the brooklyn bridge, talking about dreams, diplomats and raffles days. "god i love new york" is a phrase he heaved under his breath that i will remember for a long time.
through the night - iu
[2017]
of ediya cafe nights and solitary night walks from my apartment to hongje station, just to get fresh avocado juice. i remember texting you one night that the weather was perfect to take a night walk together. this tune evokes ambivalent emotions of sadness, loneliness and contentment on cold seoul nights, during the journey back to my small apartment with a korean ahjumma whom i still don't know the name of, except for rosie's 엄마. Sadness and loneliness because i could picture you so tangibly in my mind, but my hands were still so tangibly cold. i missed you so terribly much, but it was bearable at the same time, because i had you in my heart to hold. contentment because i didn't need no korean 오빠 - which had been a dream of mine when i first chose korea (in days before i met you). instead, i could go about my days knowing you were someone i could spill all my minuscule adventures to and vice versa - mostly consisting of solitary cafe dates doing online professional courses and internship searches on linkedin, korean bbq nights, pouts about the freezing cold and telling you i bought mcdonalds apple pie for supper.
