february brought with it the turn
of the financial calendar
which i had hitherto yearned for.
i was done with feeling stuck -
floating here and there, but not really
being anywhere. i couldn't fathom where:
where was i value-adding?
where was the growth trajectory i had envisaged
so clearly in my head, but had yet to pan out in reality?
and what, what was i doing
that made a difference to the people around me?
"most of the time i don't know what i'm doing."
it became my slogan, slowly making its appearances in 1:1s
with friends, mentors and even bosses.
and then it became my pseudo anthem -
feeding an internal desire for greener pastures
manifested in a three-year plan penned
in a personalised notebook gifted by my big boss.
(almost like a silent travesty)
if february were a person:
february barged in prematurely
and became travesty personified.
in a confusing, brutal turn of events
i realised that the shape and form of envisioned change
resembled nothing like the version i had in my head.
the stark realisation hit me
through the brick wall of my stupor:
benign corporations were after all still businesses.
the embodiment of good values was not mutually exclusive
with profit-maximisation and cost reduction.
anyone of us could have been those inefficiencies
that they balanced out on a leaner balance sheet.
our last team photo taken merely back in december,
cheesing to good times -
how strange that it is now a passé construct
existing neither in name nor substance.
an inaugural, harsh welcome to corporate life
that i will carry with me for future days
and will shape me for years to come.
psalm 30:5 -
"weeping may endure for the night,
but joy comes in the morning."
february gave away to march,
obscurity gave away to piecemeal clarity.
the silver lining shone through.
it was my opportunity to voice out and fight
for what i desired and against what i disliked:
accounts, industry verticals, language preferences,
the who, the what and everything in the in between.
it was either "now" or "forever hold your peace".
everything was up in the air,
up for grabs, like a visit to a candy store.
i finally had this unprecedented chance
to choose my preferred candy! the thrill!
and through it all, i came out of it
with a better understanding of which leaders
i worked well with and which i didn't.
through it all i emerged humbled
by the quality of leadership
in an organisation i felt had let all of us down,
except the vast majority of its leaders hadn't.
i learnt through both the easy and hard ways -
at the core of it all, they all have good hearts.
and how blessed am i, to be surrounded
by giant-slayers in the workplace -
some with the kindest eyes
and others with a grounding, steadfast quality to their statures.
and through it all i acknowledge that it is You God,
You who placed these giant-slayers in my life
and turned this mess into a mini-miracle.
