the routine of work often makes me forget who i am, down at my core. and then it comes back - all at once, on solitary nights when i'm armed with a chilled glass of red wine and my 2016 spotify top songs playlist reverberate in my ears. i close my eyes and give myself into the ebb and flow of the build up and subsequent post-climax catharsis - i let the massive wave of nostalgia crash over me and remember the fragments of an unfettered me from my earlier youth. this is how i remember how it feels like to be alive and brimming at my core.
"when women write to me in the language of indoctrination - when they use words like good and should and right and wrong - i try to speak back to them in the language of imagination. we are all bilingual. we speak the language of indoctrination, but our native tongue is the language of imagination. when we use the language of indoctrination - with its should and shouldn't, right and wrong, good and bad - we are activating our minds. that's not what we're going for here. because our minds are polluted by our training. in order to get beyond our training, we need to activate our imaginations. our minds are excuse makers; our imaginations are storytellers. so instead of asking ourselves what's right or wrong, we must ask ourselves: what is true and beautiful?
...what is the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine?" - untamed, glennon doyle
i've been dreaming (quite literally) about a specific person for awhile now. she appears in my dreams every once in awhile, sauntering in with her iconic red lip, jet black hair and poised, goddess-like stature. she is a female business leader i don't know personally in real life, but is actually someone whom i secretly look up to - just bc she embodies the strong career woman archetype i'd always admired and aspired towards during my college days. there are many variations of this dream, but in all of them she comes over to talk to me as if we're friends. we sit down for coffee or wine while she holds my hand and i ask her questions i can't remember when i'm awake. all i can remember is that surreal, perplexing yet warm sense of pride from intimately knowing and being valued by someone so accomplished and put on a pedestal by the rest of the world. i'm not sure what these all mean, or why i even dream of her at all. but if i could hazard a guess - i think its my subconscious telling me that despite the motivational slump that comes in seasons and the inevitable monotony of a routine 9-6 day job, there is still a part of me who aspires to become a strong, career woman like her one day. i think it's my subconscious telling me to become someone who will continue to give back and inspire younger, aspiring career women to shatter glass ceilings and steer mnc ships into newer highlands (when i make it big in the future). it also reminds me of the tangible trade-offs of pursuing a career at full-speed, perhaps at the cost of having children. which then begs the million dollar question - can i have both, to have my cake and eat it?
what is the truest, most beautiful story about my life that i can imagine?
i can imagine a life where i am both a career woman and a young mother of two beautiful, kind and intelligent children. three is nice but two is good too. it is finally the weekend. we're at the mall and i'm clasping the tiny palm of our little baby girl, while m is carrying our precious baby boy on his shoulders. even trips to the supermarket have become family adventures now. we're making pesto for dinner tonight and so we're on the hunt for some basil leaves, linguine and kiddy juice boxes. the cashier exclaims in benign surprise that we look too young to be parents. we smile and say "thank you, we get that alot". i take in the scene of what has now become my world - our baby girl sleepily snuggling her nose into m's chest while our boy's peskily tugging at m's trousers, the corners of his mouth turning downwards into an adorable pout from the lack of attention received. life now is an amalgamation of quiet moments and sheer havoc. we ricochet between the two extreme ends. sometimes the incredulity of it all makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time, but in an ironic sense it is also the havoc that completes us and we wouldn't have it any other way.
i think to myself in quiet affirmation: "hard work is what makes rest days truly so restful". work is challenging but it is also incredibly meaningful. i am still in the industry of my dreams. i am needed, seen, heard and respected by everyone around me. work makes me feel alive and in my zone, bringing me back to that feeling of "flying" that i used to feel during my yirpa college days. the work that i do is so uniquely "me": it fits the value proposition i have to give to the world like the glove i have always been meant to wear. i have finally found my niche - one that sits at the perfect intersection of business needs and what i naturally gravitate towards. my enthusiasm and sense of purpose are infectious. i am so efficacious at producing the right outcomes which move the needle towards the larger, existential purpose of the company that no one can ignore me even if they ever wanted to. nothing fazes me anymore - not even customer calls with angry c-level executives, bc i know that i can easily win them over. i am exactly where i need and aspire to be in this stage of my life. i've earned my seat at the table and i'm lifting others up to sit alongside the table with me. i truly believe that the world is abundant and enough for everyone.
i remember that god is the giver of all good things and i am only able to do the good work that i do bc it is Him who empowers me with the gifts and talents i possess. i no longer feel the temptation of pushing god to the peripheries. instead, i wake up everyday with inexplicable peace and joy brimming in my heart bc i am immovably grounded in Him. the people around me wonder what my secret sauce is (they speculate: "there is something so distinctive about denise that sets her apart from the rest in this cut-throat, corporate world but i can't put a finger to it"), and finally arrive at their own conclusion that it is bc of my faith. (and this is why i do the work that i do - to glorify Him in all that i do, that people may turn towards Him on their own accord). despite the busyness of work and life, m and i have made a conscious commitment as a family unit to give back to our church community. we have a new spiritual community that we're plugged into and it feels like we've known them for a lifetime. we give back in every little way we can - including opening our home to bless our newfound spiritual family. our cup overflows beyond all that we can ever ask for or imagine.
this is the life i see when i close my eyes and use the language of imagination. in this world i have my cake and eat it, only bc god is embedded in the language of both imagination and truth.
