Monday, 31 December 2012

dead & gone


we are running out of pages
we are rewriting memories,
ink on ink,
word on word
carve them into our hearts 
remember them--
learn from them

polish our rusted lungs
if acid is what it takes,
use it
scrub the stains off
before they infect like disease
& all we can do
is paint them a fresh coat of paint, 
over--but never into the heart

giving thanks: 



four more minutes

Thursday, 27 December 2012

darkness & light


thank you tenth avenue north, for bringing me to the lord, 
& never failing to bring me back to the lord,
even when i get tired of having a savior--
when the act of salvation itself gets thwarted into a loathsome anchor by ungodly thoughts
weighing my being to the seabed-- where i'd rather rot in deliberate blindness 
where i'd rather darkness swallowed me whole so those corrupted lungs could morph into jellyfishes 
to enjoy frolicking in the stench of the decomposing seabed

for darkness is capable of casting spells instead of crowns 
--when bewitched, 
 you'll willingly let it drag you

then

d
   r 
     o
        w
            n  

                   you 


we're all the same, all desperate for a change
we're all the same, we need You lord

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

p&p

met the bunny for hotcakes in the morning,
while the afternoon was spent
solitarily
sipping 'pearl of the orient' & reading p&p

('& indeed spending the bulk of our holidays together has caused our ways to parallel each other' this i so agree)

falling asleep (cannot help the sloth in me),
more p&p
then gym farewell cards

hopefully work tomorrow will be under tom, catching up with belle & christian with the bunny,
or if that is too idealistic,
i hope work will be wiping plates & goblets while
memorising favourite p&p quotes,
singing 'o holy night' & jay chou oldies with the bunny

either way, I will be satisfied

here are some of my favourite p&p quotes to date:

"I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. No motive can excuse the unjust & ungenerous part you acted there. You dare not, you cannot deny that you have been the principal, if not the only means of dividing them from each other" (elizabeth bennet)


"these offences might have been overlooked, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples that had long prevented my forming any serious design. These bitter accusations might have been suppressed, had I with greater policy concealed my struggles, and flattered you into the belief of my being impelled by unqualified, unalloyed inclination, by reason, by reflection, by every thing. But disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural & just"

"could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?"

"his misfortunes! Yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed."

"and this, is your opinion of me! This is the estimation in which you hold me! I thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults, according to this calculation, are heavy indeed!"

"be not alarmed, Madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments, or renewal of those offers, which were last night so disgusting to you. I write without any intention of paining you, or humbling myself, by dwelling on those wishes, which for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten"

"you must therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention, your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice" (fitzwilliam darcy)

"I shall endeavour to find some opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the morning. I will only add, God bless you

'FITZWILLIAM DARCY.' "


"but the misfortune of speaking with bitterness, is a most natural consequence of the prejudices which I had been encouraging" (elizabeth bennet)

"far it be from me, my dear sister, to depreciate such pleasures. They would doubtless be congenial with the generality of female minds. But I confess they have no charms for me. I should infinitely prefer a book" (mary bennet) 

and the bunnies' (joy & i) ultimate favourite which we would like to gift 
the mediocre mangers of a -certain- hotel

"from the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike" (elizabeth bennet) 

Saturday, 17 November 2012

earthly sorrow

"seems that I've been held in some dreaming state / a tourist in the waking world, never quite awake"

in another apathetic mood, but perhaps this is a godly kind of apathy

carving into my heart
echoes of the lord's tenacity for the Greater promise

the lord is my shepherd, I shall

not

want

nothing has changed since the tables were turned, yet it feels like it's either nothing changed at all, or everything has changed since then

I rather not delude myself
than live in a blissful bubble for a night, convincing myself nothing changed

only to prick the thin cloth of a facade
& fall into the trenches again

into the receiving arms of the cajoling devil

whispering "how can the lord love you when he takes away the things closest to home"

dragging
me
away
from the Reason which
i gained when I lost

all the things that are not of You,
lord I lift them up

this world has nothing for me

(time has barely done its job of negating pain, but more of jesus & less of me // Abba, I belong to You)

Friday, 16 November 2012

paperbacks

had a most pleasurable afternoon

celebrating the bunny's (or should I say, mrs. bennet's) end of the O levels with chilli cheese fries & a baked broccoli with cheese potato, scouring the classics section of times, hiding favourite book prospects with the ingenious inversion method, lamenting over ugly yet really reasonable classic book covers, ordering pride & prejudice in puffin classics' famous orange paperbacks (!!! I am beyond thrilled), making a deal not to touch p&p until friday when it arrives (then groaning over the probable prospect of getting over dear mr. darcy), contemplating over getting another jane austen's novel before deciding on 'persuasion', getting drawn in by the 3 for 2 offer & the precious 'emma' paperback

& lastly, walking out of the store
determined to pack our bookshelves

which

I will

do now.
goodbye

(m o n d a y)

Friday, 9 November 2012

"carpe diem"

almost one year late but I am so glad that I chose to watch 'dead poets society (1989)' today

haven't bawled like a baby over a movie ever since 'hachiko- a dog's tale (2009)' last year & what really surprised me was despite a pretty orthodoxical plot (in my opinion), when expressed in the realm of literature & the battle against conformity, I think I died a little inside even before Neil put a bullet through himself

watching this movie really affirms the conviction to take literature as subject next year
why not when my heart throbbed when mr keating said "this is a battle, a war, and the casualties could be your hearts and souls", when it flew along with todd as he threw "the world's first unmanned flying desk set"

am I a "man" or an "amoeba"?

can't see myself struggling through two years of wishing that "carpe diem" sank through the convoluted waterways of my confused state

not going to do a personal review on it because the mediocrity of my review & inability to do the movie justice through accurate linguistic expression will just undermine the movie as a whole

virgin experience at kino today, got lost on my way there & inside
but for once the idea of getting both physically & cognitively lost
was actually really nice

it's the kind of "lost" that i want to befriend

spent fifteen minutes looking up at the shelves containing dostoevsky's works
bemoaning the lack of 'the brothers karamazov' in paperback
& contemplating over 'notes from the underground' or 'the gambler'

chose the former instead & I am really excited to enter the heart of philosophical debates about the human condition (according to the review), it's the only kind of philosophy I'll be interested in (pretty funny how we all termed "philo" lessons in school as "pillow" haha)

turns out, the bunny has the novel too!
love how we don't even try

malay papers went pretty okay today (I think), hopefully all will be well (especially lc which comes across as gibberish to me because I absolutely cannot comprehend it spoken at a bullet-train pace)

I can finally do what I deem fit

John keating: 'Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go (imitating a goat) "that's baaaaad." 

Robert Frost said "two roads diverged in the wood & I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference".' 


Thursday, 18 October 2012

a tourist in the waking world

rocking out to some Florence & the Machine on a peaceful night
haven't felt so liberated for a long time

looking forward to time spent alone in library tmrw with another Haruki Murakami book & FATM before options

this has been such a period of self-discovery
accidental social experiment:

the noisier a room, the lonelier I feel
("have you felt alone in a crowded room?" seems to taunt me everytime)

the quieter a room (in solitude) the more filled & alive I become

FATM seems to have an inexplicable connection with fiction
enjoyed such a respite from savouring  "Hard-boiled wonderland & the End of the World" engulfed in a world of FATM on dates with the beanbag in the library

cannot wait for the madness to end, but until then
praise the Lord for sustenance,
Haruki Murakami & Florence & the Machine for respite

seems that I have been held / in some dreaming state
a tourist in the waking world / never quite awake