ambivalence

what if inside out were real & sometimes we can't put a finger to what we are feeling bc some of our crucial core memories have been misplaced & sucked out via the memory tube into god knows where  & our personality islands are crumbling into the memory dump one by one but outside we are still oblivious to the hullabaloo that is happening inside (i.e. joy & sadness have set on a treacherous journey & are lost in islands long forgotten inside ourselves & trying to make it back before the last personality island sinks into the abyss) yet only painfully aware that we are feeling confused & feeling everything all too hard at once.

???

confused bc my head & heart don't & won't see eye to eye.
(frustrated bc it would be really nice if the 'f' in my mbti could uncurl itself into a 't' instead.)

放手

drew up a mental list;
sent a lantern up
to god;
walked out of the theatre
that played tapes on rewind;
altered my playlist
to signify an independent entity -
one month has been long enough.
let the colour of my nails
be the only
commemoration.
(i deserve better)

no longer

by the end of december - 'yet' will cease to be.

resolve ii

one of the few, rare days when my heart feels like it can finally be adamant about point eight of thought catalog's recent post i.e. sixteen things to say goodbye to in 2k16.

busyness

this week has been rather insane - the semester has finally ended but i am ironically (in this moment) around five times busier than i had normally been during the semester: as much as i would have liked a respite to celebrate the end of my first semester in college, this busyness is helping me to find my grounding in this place - to put it crudely, i am actually doing something with my life!! & finally set on the trajectory to grow up!! i will remember that i came here to push myself beyond my comfort zone & therefore suck it up: growth is necessary and the time is now.

(i am glad i did)