my take on independence & love

january has been quite a ride -

in this season i am convinced that god is teaching me how to be truly independent: in rj days i had prided myself on my independence & ability to be stoic to everyone - especially people who didn't carry the guts to break down my social walls (i realise that most of the time i do reward bravery). i didn't have anyone special bc there was hardly any real loneliness - or perhaps it was bc my sole priority was to get my grades in order. i was the less obnoxious version of vivie warren, the perceived "new woman" in no need of any men. in retrospect, that was such an idealistic & faux version of independence bc how could i have called it real independence when nothing could have moved me except my idealised, romanticised version of what i had thought comprised love? it was independence that was not tried nor shaken. 

now that i am here in the now & having to reconcile my notion of independence with that inclination to be cared for by someone (esp in times of acute loneliness that was & still is a package deal of college freshman life), of having to pick up the pieces of finding & losing, i am discovering that true independence is made up of feeling assured of my self worth on good days while simultaneously juggling the dull ache of loneliness & need for company on bad days, of turning that occasional sinking feeling at the prospect of having no chest to lie on into fulfilment through working on myself - working on my skill sets, my health, my fitness, my confidence etc. independence is about making the best out of what i currently have on my own so that i will be ready when the time comes. this independence is about co-existence: accepting that yes indeed i do need someone in my life who can treat a lady right but also simultaneously standing my ground that (regardless) i will be strong for myself & pull my own weight. i think i should start espousing the beauty of strength & its convergence with vulnerability (instead of the beauty of vulnerability alone) - the vulnerability to accept the fact that to feel loved at one point in life is necessary but also the strength to push on with or without love. 

i don't know how my post escalated to something so personal but it has been quite an emotional weekend & having to say good bye to my best guy friend who has been such a pillar of support in my college life hasn't been easy & it triggered a lot of thinking of what independence truly means to me. i will be fine - as i was running on the treadmill at the gym just now & looking at myself in the mirror with fatm in my ears, i started affirming in my head every single good thing about myself as an entity & there came a rising feeling in my chest that whispered how this (if kept up) will be more than enough fuel for me to run on. 

before the iron turns cold

if there is one thing i've learnt about myself from this embryonic semester (wrestled from last semester) is that my affection once lost, is lost forever. once i break free from that cyclic circle of rising & falling, there is truly no turning back: i will only pursue and accept the things i think i deserve. 

(also i have been so busy this january i haven't had proper time to sit down & complete the remaining twelve of my previous post - perhaps after this weekend) 

eighteen of my favourite feelings part i

it was originally supposed to be fifteen favourite feelings (as inspired by claire marshall's yt video which warmed me up inside so incredibly much) but as i listed down things which have made/still make me feel so alive i've found that fifteen is insufficient and i refuse to weigh & subsequently sieve through them bc they are all precious & bc happiness deserves to be celebrated.

so here are eighteen of my favourite feelings in the world: (edit/ i am exhausted from writing so here are the first six)

1. feeling beautiful inside out & having a sense of invincibility emanate from this overarching beauty that refuses to be contained

for days when everything's on point & falls into place perfectly - when i wake up feeling fresh with my heart singing on residual fuel gathered from the contentment of a wonderful night before. when i look into the mirror & the morning light hits my face in all the right angles & i genuinely perceive myself to be beautiful, when my eyelids form properly & my bed tousled hair has some volume & frames my face perfectly. when my outfit of the day encapsulates how i wish to project myself that day. the feeling when i am able to feel that beauty so deeply in my bones that it inevitably translates into a lightness in my steps, a genuine cheeriness in my verbal exchanges with the people around me such that positivity fuels even more positivity & an inexorable belief that i can actually accomplish great things once i stop doubting my own abilities. i absolutely love it when i cannot help but exude self-confidence - narcissistic as it sounds, it is not bc why should i be abashed of feeling beautiful & self-empowered, especially when it does not come by easily? everyone deserves to feel important & beautiful most of the time - if not all the time.

2.  feeling empowered bc i know my shit so well that i am dead sure i can handle any curveballs thrown my way

basically the feeling i get when i am so kickass at the task on hand that i feel like (& also genuinely believe & know) i have everything in control (even though i know God is ultimately in control - or how about rephrasing it such that i know God has placed me in this position to tackle this problem bc He knows that i am the most suitable instrument for this job??) such that i am completely unafraid even at the prospect of things turning awry. it's the feeling i envisage a career woman in command of a successful & large corporation will have & a goal that i will constantly strive towards: to be so good at something that i will not be afraid anymore. (perhaps the predominant thing i miss about my gym days - that feeling of empowerment on the competition mat, of having commanded the attention of all thirteen judges on the panel & having my eyes & game smile fixed on the head judge knowing that confidence can be conveyed through telepathic eye waves)

this is the favourite feeling of capitalising on one's youth - knowing that one's day was well-spent improving on oneself & not idled away in aimlessness like flotsam at sea.

3. feeling so liberated when i creatively express myself & subsequently find that expression to have done my emotions more than enough justice

in claire's video, she mentioned one of the her favourite feelings is creating & i couldn't agree more: creating is indeed such a beautiful thing. when i express myself and find that expression more than adequate for the impetus that drives it (be it via closet singing/dancing/writing) - how do i describe it but summarise it as a feeling of oneness with the self, the feeling of putting something of myself out there in the world (even if it's my own personal journal/in my own room where i am my own audience) & therefore acknowledging my emotions/struggles/thoughts in that process.

writing on inspiration & on whim has always reminded me of me & how i am ultimately still my own rice.

4. the feeling of being able to spend quality time in solitude after my extroverted battery has been expended completely

recharging is so important to me & i relish spending some me time with plugged in music that is solely unique to my taste - music that makes me feel so rad, that celebrates my existence first as an independent entity before anything else. (which reminds me: i have spent the past nineteen plus years of my existence making myself happy, what makes now any different?)

5. walking indoors with kickass music plugged in on a rainy day

this sounds slightly queer but i just recalled there was this certain off day in school - i think it was during reading week when i was generally mopey bc of a whole load of cumulative bullcrap coalescing together but what had made me really happy in that morning which was laundry day was the multiple times where i had to make runs from my room in saga to the laundry room situated in the opposite block: i would take my earpiece with me & turn on my soundcloud playlist (mainly tracks taken from jenn's vids) on my iphone during the short walk from level two of saga to the lift in block b that would take me down to the laundry room - it was pouring on that day & the coolness of twenty four degree weather, coupled with the general absence of people in the vicinity (since it was morning & reading week at that) & the music in my ears together made me feel so damn invincible, like i was the only person that existed & truly mattered - it was a really nice feeling that just complements point four about individuality & solitude.

6.  the warm feeling when my affection or respect for someone is reciprocated with an equal intensity

this applies universally & is not just restricted to the romantic sphere, but also to friendships etc. i love it when someone i appreciate not only reciprocates that feeling in his/her heart but explicitly makes it known to me. i would like to think that i am worthy of not only affection, but also the little courage that it takes to express such a sentiment. which is why i always break out into a smile when i recall how sars & i got closer (recalled this incident bc i wished her tdy !!! happy blessed 21st sars !!!). it was one day in church when the pastor (as done regularly) told the congregation to turn & pay a compliment to the person seated beside one another & sars turned to me & we both agreed that the conventional 'you look beautiful today' sounded too contrived so she told me that she'd been secretly reading my blog & she thought i wrote beautifully & i nearly died inside bc i had hitherto been secretly reading her tumblr & thought her writing unparalleled. when she learnt about it we were just a bubble of happiness reeling in contented shock - it was such a beautiful feeling.

basically the crux of point six lies in feeling so full of love, so loved & so blessed to be loved. after all, everyone wants to love & feel like they are being loved in return.

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i shall continue the next twelve when i am in the mood to write again (i have twelve more predetermined pointers to expound on & it is a feat) it's been only six points but i am coming to the realisation (again) that happiness can actually be so small.