in this season i am convinced that god is teaching me how to be truly independent: in rj days i had prided myself on my independence & ability to be stoic to everyone - especially people who didn't carry the guts to break down my social walls (i realise that most of the time i do reward bravery). i didn't have anyone special bc there was hardly any real loneliness - or perhaps it was bc my sole priority was to get my grades in order. i was the less obnoxious version of vivie warren, the perceived "new woman" in no need of any men. in retrospect, that was such an idealistic & faux version of independence bc how could i have called it real independence when nothing could have moved me except my idealised, romanticised version of what i had thought comprised love? it was independence that was not tried nor shaken.
now that i am here in the now & having to reconcile my notion of independence with that inclination to be cared for by someone (esp in times of acute loneliness that was & still is a package deal of college freshman life), of having to pick up the pieces of finding & losing, i am discovering that true independence is made up of feeling assured of my self worth on good days while simultaneously juggling the dull ache of loneliness & need for company on bad days, of turning that occasional sinking feeling at the prospect of having no chest to lie on into fulfilment through working on myself - working on my skill sets, my health, my fitness, my confidence etc. independence is about making the best out of what i currently have on my own so that i will be ready when the time comes. this independence is about co-existence: accepting that yes indeed i do need someone in my life who can treat a lady right but also simultaneously standing my ground that (regardless) i will be strong for myself & pull my own weight. i think i should start espousing the beauty of strength & its convergence with vulnerability (instead of the beauty of vulnerability alone) - the vulnerability to accept the fact that to feel loved at one point in life is necessary but also the strength to push on with or without love.
i don't know how my post escalated to something so personal but it has been quite an emotional weekend & having to say good bye to my best guy friend who has been such a pillar of support in my college life hasn't been easy & it triggered a lot of thinking of what independence truly means to me. i will be fine - as i was running on the treadmill at the gym just now & looking at myself in the mirror with fatm in my ears, i started affirming in my head every single good thing about myself as an entity & there came a rising feeling in my chest that whispered how this (if kept up) will be more than enough fuel for me to run on.
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