thoughts on nyc

i haven't written since the morning of tuesday the twenty fourth when i woke up all alone in an empty room of an apartment in flatbush & it hit me like a brick smashing through my ribcage how most of the people i love are 15 280 kilometers away from me & how i'll have eleven more weeks to go before the familiarity of home; how i would pause on the way from the subway to work & look on in silence as the plane above me roared and traversed through the sky, wishing to god that i were on it; how the twelve hour time difference made me treasure early mornings or late nights so much more, how the loneliness of being the only one here in this vast city would kill me alittle on the inside. i never really understood homesickness until then - but how lucky i am to have somewhere to miss, & somewhere to ground me. 

having what had hitherto comprised my world on the other end of the globe has made me so open to making new friends & rekindling old acquantainces: to latch on to every friend i meet like a lifeline, to initiate conversations & to be curious about what makes them tick / how do they feel about where they come from etc. perhaps the magic of this city is meeting mere acquaintances & realising how capable we are of having good conversations - nearly the kind of conversations i have when with old friends. 

breaking away from home & the world i have (momentarily) left behind has been such a liberating feeling: this is my summer - my time to grow. to roam. to fly. pre-summer was precisely (nearly) a wreck bc i knew i needed to fly without clipped wings - & fly i will. but i've also realised the little parts of me i've left behind over the past year - emotions invested / the familiarity of things and people - these things still move me, even when they are knocking on closed doors. i've realised they still tug at my heartstrings despite being so far away because i have gone past the point of invalidating their existence. there are only good memories left. and they were beautiful while they lasted. 

growing. a word that encapsulates this season i am in. 

giant-slayer

have been looking forward to summer since the end of february but now that summer is finally here the beginning has been utterly rough & ruthless - have met with so many curveballs thrown my way & have been feeling blue most of the time but this just takes the cake:

god You don't do a work halfway, & i know You make a way when there seems to be no way. this will be the summer of my life bc You have seen it from the start & will see it until the end. i pray for tomorrow to be smooth-sailing somehow, i know with certainty how powerful You are, & i will pull divine strings.

i will still choose to proclaim Your goodness.

after thought

i looked up to the ceiling, felt myself effacing into the crowd like smoke dispersing itself on its upward trajectory, half-inebriated, the synergy of bodies chafing against one another to the beat that was drumming so loudly it hurt my ears yet felt so alive in my body it was moving me, arms strewn up, was i imaginary? body to body, packed like sardines - if this were the mrt i would have hated my lot but this was the place where people lost themselves to the collective effervescence of a crowd, lost themselves to their loneliness, lost themselves to insobriety (& impropriety), who are you but it's fine bc i am lonely & in need of company, so this is what it feels like to have somebody to hold - 

last night was a whirlwind and it left me thinking: do we feel ourselves going out of character bc we are losing ourselves or bc we are set on the trajectory for growth & to fully initiate ourselves into adulthood we have to undergo this phase (almost like a "rite of passage") where we normalise things previously frowned upon by our own conservative selves? this entire week thus far has felt like a true "inauguration" into adulthood - had a haircut & dye for the summer i.e. a new season, am embracing the last few days of residential living independence, booked an appointment to the dentist without anyone telling me to - before i fly off to the states i really wanted to replace my crumbly retainers & check my teeth but now my bank account is gaping like the hole that was in my molar, packing the remnants of my first year of college life into a suitcase & preparing my heart to move out of this room/suite that i have grown so accustomed to, to abandon my school-social life-gym routine that i have been sticking to for the past semester, ladies night & learning with pleasure that i'm getting better at the one thing i set out to learn in college i.e. to drink bc it is such an important social skill, setting up a sam account bc i need to pay my mrv before i can schedule an appointment to the embassy for my visa, & fretting over expenses bc the bulk of it went into my teeth & visa etc.

i have so many residual thoughts on ending freshman year here that trickle periodically like a dripping stalagmite (hence explaining so many after thoughts) - it has been a season of introspection & expression, but here is one thing that i can say for sure: this place still feels so right, despite the occasional blueness whatsoever. my homies just sneaked up on me on two separate occasions to celebrate my birthday two weeks in advance bc they know i won't be spending my 20th in sg this year - & what can i say but college gave me more than just growth: it has blessed me with friends who will go for night walks with me whenever i need conversational catharsis, friends who will splurge nine bucks on a slice of cake to celebrate my growth with me (which i never got to eat after a mouthful bc it turned bad when held captive, but still), friends who made the effort to spend more time with me when i experienced sadness from loss or when some boy made me blue, friends who can make me laugh until i'm bent over & nearly crying from stupid things, friends who will knock on my door & count on me to talk about their own problems. i am just so thankful i have found friends i am willing to abandon important things for, & they are the true mvps of freshman year. 

yes i'm changing

have never dared to admit to myself but i have been throwing a closet self-pity party thinking & knowing that i am worth more than all of these but still choosing to wallow in how unfair the cumulative everything has been for me when for others it has been smooth-sailing - so tonight i am going to dance for myself, not out of spite, but out of celebration for my own perceived beauty & worth.

summer is here

this semester i learned how to deal with loss, learned how to deal with my own warped version of independence, learned how to pause in the moments of breathless laughter/good night walks & talks/buttery nights & thank God for the friends i so dearly appreciate in my life, learned how to be there for these same friends when they are feeling blue, learned how to live with graded "b"s even when i thought they would be "a"s, learned how to guard my heart a little better, learned how to thank my rational mind for saving my ass of a heart for the umpteenth time, learned how to become a bolder version of myself (even if it means digging more graves for clarity's sake), learned how to channel residual sadness into working on a better version of myself, learned how to feel unabashed about feeling beautiful & even using that feminine charm to my advantage & above all, learned how 'in their hearts humans plan their course, but the lord establishes their steps' (proverbs 16:9).

god's timing is perfect, & His timing is summer itself.
it has been a really good semester to conclude freshman year, & i am looking forward to a new season in new york.