after thought

i looked up to the ceiling, felt myself effacing into the crowd like smoke dispersing itself on its upward trajectory, half-inebriated, the synergy of bodies chafing against one another to the beat that was drumming so loudly it hurt my ears yet felt so alive in my body it was moving me, arms strewn up, was i imaginary? body to body, packed like sardines - if this were the mrt i would have hated my lot but this was the place where people lost themselves to the collective effervescence of a crowd, lost themselves to their loneliness, lost themselves to insobriety (& impropriety), who are you but it's fine bc i am lonely & in need of company, so this is what it feels like to have somebody to hold - 

last night was a whirlwind and it left me thinking: do we feel ourselves going out of character bc we are losing ourselves or bc we are set on the trajectory for growth & to fully initiate ourselves into adulthood we have to undergo this phase (almost like a "rite of passage") where we normalise things previously frowned upon by our own conservative selves? this entire week thus far has felt like a true "inauguration" into adulthood - had a haircut & dye for the summer i.e. a new season, am embracing the last few days of residential living independence, booked an appointment to the dentist without anyone telling me to - before i fly off to the states i really wanted to replace my crumbly retainers & check my teeth but now my bank account is gaping like the hole that was in my molar, packing the remnants of my first year of college life into a suitcase & preparing my heart to move out of this room/suite that i have grown so accustomed to, to abandon my school-social life-gym routine that i have been sticking to for the past semester, ladies night & learning with pleasure that i'm getting better at the one thing i set out to learn in college i.e. to drink bc it is such an important social skill, setting up a sam account bc i need to pay my mrv before i can schedule an appointment to the embassy for my visa, & fretting over expenses bc the bulk of it went into my teeth & visa etc.

i have so many residual thoughts on ending freshman year here that trickle periodically like a dripping stalagmite (hence explaining so many after thoughts) - it has been a season of introspection & expression, but here is one thing that i can say for sure: this place still feels so right, despite the occasional blueness whatsoever. my homies just sneaked up on me on two separate occasions to celebrate my birthday two weeks in advance bc they know i won't be spending my 20th in sg this year - & what can i say but college gave me more than just growth: it has blessed me with friends who will go for night walks with me whenever i need conversational catharsis, friends who will splurge nine bucks on a slice of cake to celebrate my growth with me (which i never got to eat after a mouthful bc it turned bad when held captive, but still), friends who made the effort to spend more time with me when i experienced sadness from loss or when some boy made me blue, friends who can make me laugh until i'm bent over & nearly crying from stupid things, friends who will knock on my door & count on me to talk about their own problems. i am just so thankful i have found friends i am willing to abandon important things for, & they are the true mvps of freshman year.