time travel - part two

read part one here

don't let me down - the chainsmokers

[2016]

my first memory of this tune is me asking why geoff brought his bose speaker to lit hum ii class, and him introducing me to the "sick beats" of this then-new hit. it holds memories of freshman year - the nights i spent pounding out one foot in front of the other on the treadmill with a heavy and lonely heart, angry at the microcosm of this world for making me feel like i was not enough. the wee hours of the morning when the beats reverberated through the stereo like the steady pulse of a pumping heart, bringing along with it a body of bodies with their arms strewn up. eyes raised to the ceiling, i gave myself up to this rhythm of emptiness, unsure if the numbness i felt was due to the alcohol or my psyche. just tonight, i told myself, just for tonight. i would let myself go, just for tonight.


body gold - oh wonder 


without you - oh wonder


technicolor beat - oh wonder


[2016]

post-work out night walks from the gym back to the saga towers. now that the catharsis of pent-up anger was done, all that was left was just a sinking sense of loneliness. a benign kind of sadness, just like solitude's twin brother - the familiar, dull ache of sadness that was actually comfortable to dwell in. it was as if i were cajoling loneliness, my old friend: "loneliness, come sit with me in the silence of the night". with these tunes in my ears, even small actions could seem poetic in the stillness of the night. tapping my access card against the elm gate and watching it slowly open. crossing the threshold between both spaces and feeling like i was drifting back into where i belonged - alone, lonely but content. those nights spent sitting at utown green watching the lights from neighbouring towers brighten up the already starry sky. yes, i am content. yes i am mulan, in no need of any shang.


aloha - mome, merryn jeann

[2016]

this tune reminds me of fortuitous friendships in the most unlikely of places. new york city drinking nights with vincent. how were we not even friends in ync? weekends in this concrete jungle would have been so lonely without a friend to hunt for boba and get my chinese cuisine fixes with. thank God for the new haven-new york train that brought this gem of a friend here almost every weekend in the month of june. thank God for my yss summer pals who could come to new york city and spend some of their weekends with me. it was incredibly lonely being a small girl working in a big city, but i relished weekends in the month of june knowing i had company. this tune also reminds me of walking around manhattan with akash from afternoon till night - that friend from rj math class that i really couldn't stand, but somehow became friends and hung out with in a city on the opposing end of the globe from where we were. nights getting thai food, taking in the biggest blood moon i had ever seen hanging over the brooklyn bridge, talking about dreams, diplomats and raffles days. "god i love new york" is a phrase he heaved under his breath that i will remember for a long time.

through the night - iu

[2017]

of ediya cafe nights and solitary night walks from my apartment to hongje station, just to get fresh avocado juice. i remember texting you one night that the weather was perfect to take a night walk together. this tune evokes ambivalent emotions of sadness, loneliness and contentment on cold seoul nights, during the journey back to my small apartment with a korean ahjumma whom i still don't know the name of, except for rosie's 엄마. Sadness and loneliness because i could picture you so tangibly in my mind, but my hands were still so tangibly cold. i missed you so terribly much, but it was bearable at the same time, because i had you in my heart to hold. contentment because i didn't need no korean 오빠 - which had been a dream of mine when i first chose korea (in days before i met you). instead, i could go about my days knowing you were someone i could spill all my minuscule adventures to and vice versa - mostly consisting of solitary cafe dates doing online professional courses and internship searches on linkedin, korean bbq nights, pouts about the freezing cold and telling you i bought mcdonalds apple pie for supper.

my Steadfast?

"I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
though you feel I'm far away, I am closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know
I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest

oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

come to Me, I'm all you need
come to Me, I'm everything
come to Me, I'm all you need
come to Me, I'm your everything
I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid
though your heart and flesh may fail you, I'm your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
you will not be shaken, you will not be moved
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
just come to Me, come to Me, cause I'm all that you need"

come and saturate me, until my cup overflows

shake it out

like the old days, i'll channel all these emptiness within me into fuel - something my twenty year old self taught me how, and dance unfettered within.

sixteen year old me first listened to florence + the machine and it pulled her out of the trenches of stoicism & numbness by making her feel so powerful; twenty two year old me listened to florence + the machine this morning at dining hall breakfast and it was still the same - a kind of pure, cathartic feeling of empowerment that i don't know how to put into words.

i feel aimless, but i am not aimless. i have an overarching goal for my time here within these four walls, which is a crucial stepping stone for my time outside of these walls. it is time i stop feeling like i am a drifter. more than anyone i have a series of clear goals that cascade into one another as they take me higher & higher.

eye of the typhoon

for this final year i just want to channel all my efforts into investing in things and people who truly matter to me, to constantly ask myself the question: "does this bring me closer to where i want to be in the future?"

it is difficult having to constantly fight against the feeling that i left behind a world that was so real only to be mired in a faux one again - a pseudo world that ironically still has the ability to make me feel incredibly lacking. coming "home" to a displaced world that no longer feels like home. there are only so few people that i actually really like, relative to the sea of acquaintances or nameless faces. something that i learned in freshman year was to stop caring about the 80% of people who do not matter, & focus on the 20% who really do. the 20% of people who light up a warm fireplace in my heart. if i had to pinpoint the starting point of my growth it would be that moment. it was when i truly started soaring, & i've not looked back since. quality over quantity. friends over networks.

more than two years ago i started incorporating the gym into my life routine bc i was so angry, so furious at the world for telling me via its various manifestations that i wasn't worthy enough - through boys, professors and toxic people in a collapsed organization that no longer means much anymore. two years later and i still revisit that anger every time one foot precedes the other on the treadmill. i will return stronger, smarter, and infinitely more beautiful. 

all else is noise.

time travel - part one of many future parts to come

after a long hiatus due to work, i've discovered (to my pleasant surprise) that the words in me have yet to die -

starting this new series on songs that remind me of a particular moment in time, as they come to mind:

where are you - jung joon young, w ost 

[2017]
it was our second date at beauty world: i dreamt of your hand brushing against mine - would you reach out for it and clasp it boldly if i left it dangling next to yours? we had korean food for dinner where my bibimbap came without meat (a scam) and you donated me some bulgogi as you cheerily recounted the story of a patient defecating in the corridors of the hospital a few metres away from where you were standing (a reference to a few nights ago during your call when you sent me the image, which i thought was going to be something like a grotesque, dismembered limb, but it turned out to be poop - i remember getting ready for bed but sitting upright instantaneously as we whatsapped back and forth with neither of us going offline for a long, long time, and i felt the faintest inkling of a new relationship brewing; yet a part of me was so afraid to fall & have my feelings toyed with again). our second date made me feel like the protagonist of a korean drama - i could almost imagine this soundtrack playing in the background as we shared a bowl of matcha bingsu in a glasshouse as an imaginary camera rolled on. while parting ways i gave you a hug, which surprised you - who was this liberal girl hugging a new stranger-turned-friend on their second date? as i waited for my bus back to campus, this was the tune that made me feel like i was already tipping over into a new world - our W.

when i feel i'm into you - kim jun seok, w ost 

[2017]
i sent you a goodnight text at 2230 as you turned in early in anticipation of a 4am morning, and you marvelled at how i was going to head out to the gym so late into the night. my favourite part of the campus is the view of the lit saga towers in the backdrop juxtaposed against the black canvas of the night - with this tune engulfing my little world carved out by my headphones i would traverse across the elm courtyard and pause - admiring the stillness of the night & thinking of a new, budding "us", feeling my heart rise & rise & rise until it became one with the clouds.


i will go to you like the first snow - ailee, guardian ost 

[2017]
glimpses of yonsei, of navigating the hilly parts of seoul from my ahjumma's apartment to the humble bus 3 bus stop that was just a pole, of gongcha study dates with lilith & that "friday tradition" cheese 찜닭 place we frequented that played this on repeat from the radio's billboard charts; of that dull ache of loneliness as (daily) i solitarily trekked the long walk from yonsei's main gate to the far end of underwood international college - to my east asian international relations class which was taught by a professor i really disliked despite the eventual A+. it reminds me of a sense of wistful loss & homesickness that i associated with everything good that i had momentarily left behind, for a land i had idealised so much in my head and had fallen short in every aspect. it reminds me of the intangibility of missing you, and counting down the days till i would find myself in your arms again.

spirited away - one summer's day, joe hisaishi 

[2015]
to me, this is synonymous with the camaraderie of the saga courtyard in freshman year, and will always be. as i sat at my desk (which was facing the window looking into the opposite block) trying to concentrate on churning out my first scientific inquiry report, i couldn't help but notice a huge blank canvas being draped over the second floor of tower b - it was austin working his magic for our college's community spirit once again, and he brought along the popcorn machine as well. with the entire spirited away soundtrack blaring through the campus on a friday night, i remember ditching my report for apple juice from koufu with mars, then settling down in the grass patch with her to watch spirited away. there was so much contentment in my soul in that moment, sprinkled by the disbelief that i finally made it into my dream college and was privy to this amazing assemble under a starry night sky.

your hands are cold - dario marianelli, pride & prejudice ost

[2012]
this reminds me of my first taste of adulthood wiping plates at pan pacific with joy; a wide-eyed sixteen year old hit with the realisation that money was so difficult to earn & that we had a route out with education but some of the existing staff there didn't; pride & prejudice was our escape from the harsh working hours and incompetent managerial team; as we wiped we memorised verses elizabeth bennett would retort mr. darcy with & dreamt of mr. darcy striding towards lizzy against the backdrop of a stunning sunset - where and when was my very own mr. darcy going to sweep me off my feet? & how would my first kiss taste like? "from the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike" (elizabeth bennet) this was our favourite verse that gave lizzy so much character, and she was the pinnacle of the woman i aspired to be.

not merely numbers, but growth journeys

18: had just laboured through life's biggest exam; words were my armour, enclosing me in my own bubble of romanticised ideals where i dreamt about a boy with dreamy eyes and the last vestiges of a plausible high school romance that ended up not materialising anyway. passive-aggressive - hated all these social constructs but i didn't know how to rebel against them, just went with the flow; wanted to chase these boys or have them chase me but no no no they had to come talk to me first - too good for some & never quite matching up to the others; wrestled constantly with the aching feeling in my heart that told me perhaps, maybe perhaps i could go out there to do things, but always met with the reality of cowardice and unfavourable circumstances. whatever good things i got in life were luck, whatever bad things i got were the products of my inherent lack in competence, a result of no one's fault but my own. the recurrent throb of hyper self-awareness that i was good, but never quite good enough. serving tables with my childhood best friend at a cellmate's family restaurant only for lunch hours after the trek to chinatown. swearing off the f&b trade. reading books together on the train ride back. words, the refuge of words. editorial dreams. getting a call from the hr department of my favourite bookstore telling me to start work soon. working there in a role where i could touch books but never quite read them - not quite how i'd imagined in my head. the crude realisation that people were there to make a living, not bc they liked books and reading. the horror. tough working hours on my feet, where the only respite was taking a solitary tour and getting lost within the shelves once the shutters were down at closing hours. the only friend i made was bonding over murakami's kafka with the store director that had the same name as my father. becoming a yoghurt girl who made fancy parfaits from evaporated milk and yoghurt powder. feeling broken and empty inside bc i had imagined i was destined for great things - but while some enlightened friends were doing internships with established government agencies here i was - lost & swirling yoghurt out of a yoghurt machine, learning nothing but awaiting my next pay check. how did they find these internships, when i didn't even have a proper resume? feeling broken at god's cruel waiting games. being in awe of (then) seniors in college boasting during open houses about their penultimate year internships overseas - in "faraway" countries like hong kong and china. meanwhile, where was i headed to, while all my other friends already had schools to belong to, and rag practices to rush to? i was neither here nor there. hot tears streaming down my face during worship at (almost) every sunday service. a call at the last minute the waitlist was stipulated to close. finally, the promised land overflowing with milk & honey.

19: or was it? an acute sense of displacement. felt like i had worked so hard to get here, but who were all these people i felt i had to be friends with, and struggle to please? why were we studying dead ancient chinese men with long beards & obsolete philosophies? a reverberating thought screaming "i hate greek literature!" calming utown banmians and walks with that one buddy i could always count on. joining the college's political organisation as an aspiring global affairs major. inadvertently got dragged into organising the first political conference. himalayas. beautiful stars, beautiful people. rooftop night and feeling the warmth of a boy's company. long, bonding treks where we would all walk in pairs to get to know the other person better. thinking to myself: "this is the first time i've been on such an organic trip". taking two hours to walk to the city by foot and another two back. remembering for the first time i was awed at the intellectual quality and spontaneity of my peers (a statement, considering my yardstick was against raffles kids). learned how to ask "why not" instead of "why". along with the return to sg came the grounding of reality and non-happenings. promising things dissolving into nothingness. last hug as something more than friends? the blur of thanksgiving dinner, beach please and an airport send-off. a plane ride to taiwan. won my first ever mun competition at the expense of my psychological well-being. more disappointments, the only good thing being that cosy hotel room of five and feeling i was being surrounded by angels. sent a lantern up to the sky, along with the heavy strings in my heart. then the new year came. my heart went on reset. dipped my toes in an entirely new realm of everything that constituted professional skills - corporate communication, fundraising, and building interpersonal relations with distinguished guests. witnessed the ugly, gritted my teeth and learned how to develop my own work ethic. learnt from one of the best mentors of my life ever. felt like i could finally function like an adult, and that my life was coming together. i loved being busy - i thrived on it! the next day, that best buddy left at my busiest moment & i couldn't reach out properly nor process. conference ended, i was alone. monday came with its empty seat in qr. we were qr buddies too. felt crushed and more alone than ever. more gym sessions to make up for that gaping hole of emptiness in my heart - from the collectiveness of everything bad that had happened till then. the scramble for internships since i had missed all the other deadlines. a weekend spent camping in the library, my virgin experience doing up targeted resumes and cover-letters. nailed the preliminary interview thanks to my training in corporate comms. started feeling that invincible weight that had been elusive for such a long while slowly building in my chest and grounding my heart. began my addiction to personal growth. the mirror at the gym became my best friend, and the gym my place of self pep talks and important decision-making. maybe i wasn't that bad after all. feeling like my life was finally at a good place. a final skype interview with the founders of a start-up organisation in new york. nailed that. felt the steadfast promise of god whispering it was mine to keep. got the email, i made it! shot up to the moon and back. the prospect scared the shit out of me, but i told my mum i had to go. more boys along the way, which culminated in more disappointments. but my girlfriends were always there, snuggled in bed with me and shrieking over song joong-ki's abs together. more girls' nights out, and suite parties. arms strewn up, was i imaginary? the startling realisation that clubs are filled with lonely people looking for release, for the hands of the music deity to reach out and pull them upwards. inebriety helped, but never quite erased the emptiness. a visa near-fiasco, where i almost didn't make it to my scheduled plane ride. but it still was my first taste of adulthood, where for the first time in my life i single-handedly handled "adult" problems all by myself. expedited my visa application with the most ridiculous reason on earth, passable in the eyes of immigration authorities thanks to the grace of god. & off i flew, to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

20: turned twenty with my mum in canada. in my primary school our library wall had paintings of the "seven wonders of the world", and i had always wanted to visit the niagara falls. never dreamt i would see them at so young an age, but i did. feeling acute homesickness for the first time in my life, on a tuesday morning - the day after my mum left for home and the second day of my internship. cried abit, then got up and got ready for work. visited the strand bookstore and fell in love. fourteenth street union square would always have a special place in my heart. new york itself was a whirlwind, and a life-changing experience in itself. still remember how one day on the subway it hit me that i had unknowingly superseded the obscure impression of what constituted college goals for me when i was eighteen: the valiant college senior who embarks on an internship overseas, away from friends and family. except that i was still a freshman. the broken girl swirling yoghurt at a yoghurt shop feeling incredibly underemployed and this one, working during the day, roaming freely at night and soaring in the city that never sleeps. making friends with people from all over the world. how did i get from there to here? memories of feeling so immensely proud of myself. of juggling the demands of organising yet another political conference from another continent. of feeling more free and empowered than ever, as if i could do anything i put my head to. sheryl sandberg's lean in for graduates clutched under my arm - that's it, i was going to sit at the table, no more holding back! the determination to return stronger, smarter and more beautiful than ever. of feeling a tinge of sadness of not having loved at twenty, but telling myself that if i ever did, i would proclaim love boldly. internship ended & i flew back to sg. missed home too much i couldn't codify homesickness into words. but life threw a curveball and i eventually got stranded at transit in hong kong due to a typhoon - four hours away from home culminated into three whole days. made lemonade out of lemons, and demanded something as a customer for the first time in my life i.e. a five-star hotel compensation at the marriott, at least for the night. ate my fill of breakfast and lunch, in the short span of two hours apart. lugged three months' worth of baggage across the streets of tsim sha tsui, trying to find the mandarin version of my english worded airbnb listing. explored the city until it was finally time to say goodbye. touched down, slept the jetlag away and moved into campus all within three days. no rest bc of daily meetings in the lead up to this political conference. anger at a girl for not pulling her own weight. deciding that other people's crappy work ethic should not determine mine. political conference was considered by all definitions a success, but i was so drained from toxic people that all i could do in its aftermath was sit at utown green and stone every night for want of someone to hold me and rock me into a dreamless sleep. emptiness drove me to do stupid things, but after being passed off a second time everything in me decided i was really done - and for the better. i would stop letting myself go. more gym sessions, and to hell with the world for telling me what i could accomplish and what i could not. the constant chasing after the corporeal form manifested in the chase for more boys. i knew i had god, but no, i couldn't touch nor hug god, so what was the use? the suicide of a classmate, an aching heart and the subsequent jolt out of how we trivialise "bye"s and "see you"s. the concerted effort to invest more in my relationships with people. struggling with the hardest college curriculum ever - chemistry consisting of doing up a report for some nmr spectroscopy bullcrap when all i really knew was carbon had four bonds, but why it had four bonds that too eluded me. struggling with more sadness at the world's boys telling me indirectly through their choices that didn't have me in them that i wasn't worthy. but i knew i was worthy? i knew i was smart, beautiful and capable of holding my own weight. was i really just a trophy? somewhere along the lines i decided i was done. somewhere in the gym i decided to pick up the thing that had scared me the most - solo fundraising with the tightest timeline i had ever seen. so be it. self-empowerment is forever. slept at four every morning sending out targeted emails to all these corporate sponsors, while dancing and going on dates. i now knew how to get money, and was bold enough to get boys too. but why did they always feel tenuous, like i knew from the start none of them were right bc they weren't promised from god? true - they all flickered and then faded out, just like dwarf stars. the turn of the new year, 20k raised, conference done and dusted. thought i could finally relax and enjoy the fruits of my labour from 4am nights - what i got for my reward was a collapsed organisation & investigations after investigations for a crime that had nothing to do with my work ethic. it was, encapsulated by my mentor-friend "crossing the road, looking out for cars and then getting hit by a plane". cried my share, gave myself one last hour to feel sorry for myself, then got up and dusted it all away. also with the turn of the new year i finally came to the decision that the only way to fill this gaping hole in my heart was to refocus my eyes on god once again, not for any expected gains but for Him himself. for my cup to overflow once again. "but seek first the kingdom of god...and all these things will be added to you." you came in the moment i gave up control and stopped looking.

21: at twenty-one, i finally learned how to love, and how it feels like to be in love. revelling in a relationship that grounds me, so that i can focus on flying in my own sphere when we're not physically together. the reel of the kite that is me. head in the clouds but two feet planted firmly on the ground. and for the first time, a relationship that seeks to always honour god - the cornerstone holding us both. how do i know this is love, not having experienced love before i met you? the moment i stopped counting and started giving, that was when i knew. the time spent apart dedicated to soaring - turned twenty one in spain, alone in a japanese ramen restaurant in the middle of a coastal city named alicante. i had never felt so capable of mastering a language before until my solo sojourn to spain, where the common language amongst myself and my group of asian friends was spanish. shocking myself upon realising i had ascended the rungs of "conversational spanish" about food and things, to actual meaningful topics like corruption and chronic unemployment. ticking off my bucket list a solo hot-air balloon ride at dawn over segovia, carefully arranged by myself such that all the stars aligned during my weekend travel to madrid. realising that it was indeed possible to not only survive but thrive in a country whose language i wasn't proficient with. returning from spain only to begin my next professional growth journey almost immediately. spearheading my own personal project for the french cosmetic giant's business in apac. meeting another of my life's greatest mentors. building things from scratch. getting the opportunity to converse and negotiate with big data/tech junkie ceos. revealing for the first time (to an outsider) my biggest career dream is to eventually be at the helm of a mega corporation, & having my (then) boss tell me i'll be able to do it. my no rest summer 2k17 that i am still immensely proud of. meeting each other's parentals for the first time, and now so many i've lost count. having our first serious disagreement, and the second, and third, and fourth. breaking down at the thought of losing you to something so minuscule, or losing you period. learning how to truly love like in the bible. always, always willing our relationship to god and having Him make our paths straight once again. learning how to work through our struggles as a couple and fight for each other. learning it's possible to fall deeper in love with you, just when i thought my heart was already brimming with love. visiting our common alma matter together and smiling over how it felt like we had actually met in school despite being four years apart - perhaps in an alternate universe. counting down our days to the next distance challenge. one of the date nights - we were on the hunt for public benches to sit in raffles place and ended up settling for a bench outside capital square, which we realised was the home for amazon's head office for apac. "cutie why not try for amazon?", you had suggested, consequently pouring out revenue numbers and how rich jeff bezos was (thanks to your extensive background research on the company for your own prospective private investment)."nah cutie i don't think i'm good enough, afterall i don't have a comp science background and know no shit about coding" i sighed, immediately writing myself off to the trenches of defeat (hold this thought). finding the courage to throw myself in a country i didn't speak the language of. having the shittiest first day in korea (on your birthday) and breaking down on the phone call with you, more homesick than ever. slowly picking myself up and acclimatising to the language barrier. making new friends all over again. gongcha and rooftop coffee days spent (not doing readings but) picking up more professional skills through video tutorials. excel, google analytics and even building my own ec2 instance under a trial aws account. reuniting with my korean new york roommate and having her take me around her hometown - seoul. the steadfastness of tri-weekly skype dates with you. feeling satisfied at myself for choosing the organic route of a heartlandish airbnb apartment rather than campus housing. going for runs at the neighbourhood track. the warmth of hollys and ediya coffees, sometimes with dear friends and sometimes alone. korean bbqs, 순두부 and 찜닭 nights with that close-knit group of friends. coin 노래방 nights screaming my lungs out with trashy pop songs. finally learning the hangul and feeling the thrill of excitement at reading & recognising street signs. getting the knack of how to order for myself - from then onwards, thriving. conquering the last rung on my personal growth ladder. flying back for a week and marvelling at how you're real, my hands cupping your puppy-like face. popping up at your workplace for lunch just because i could. getting our ikea stuffed puppies together and giving them the corniest names ever. finding the best cuddle position at the corner of esplanade's rooftop and carving a world for ourselves in our own little bubble - jamming to alicia key's if i aint' got you. got emotional and then teared up on my last night before setting off for korea again, even though we were just left with one month's worth of distance to go. wanting so badly to kick distance in the butt. the first snow. discovering the wonders of macdonalds in korea compared to sg. using my time wisely to reach out to recruiters and companies for summer 2018, but chafing at the dearth of happenings. feeling the rush of blood to my head when the amazon recruiter i in-mailed got back to me. the dismay of failing my first phone screen, when i thought the job description couldn't have fitted anyone else better than myself. thinking to myself, oh well, at least i wouldn't have to worry about taking an loa anymore. having the craziest final week involving a heck load of last minute revisions from scratch, paper-writing, making time for friends visiting from home/close friends in seoul and packing to leave on the day of my final paper. having butterflies in my tummy thinking of running into your arms at the arrival gate. seeing you and my family at the gate, epitomising what homecoming means to me. consecutive dates and you taking block leave just to float on a float with me during one of our happiest days spent together. almost forgetting how it felt like to reach out and place my arm across your chest. counting down the days again to our next distance - army. clinging on tightly to your arm and not wanting to let it go. praying so hard for you to be well and healthy in camp. feeling my heart surge again at a text message from the same amazon recruiter, informing me a new position had come up, just minutes before the plane to a family holiday in taiwan took off. saying yes to another phone screen. doing the phone interview in my gym wear, when the interviewer (who happened to also be the one to call the final shot) unilaterally turned it into a video screen - i could only give her a sheepish grin. telling god i still trusted in His will for my life - regardless of either. receiving news from her directly at the end of the phone interview that she would expedite me to the next stages. moving into campus with the bare minimum being neither here nor there, and thinking to myself "here comes the feeling you thought you'd forgotten." getting my official mailed yonsei transcript from the school office learning i managed a 3.98/4 gpa despite skipping classes for bed bc of the cold and missing classes for a week to return home. waking up at six-thirty on that wednesday to make my way down to capital square for two back to back person-screens. having the bestest of bestest conversations in a professional setting - pervasive "mum vibes" from the former, with our conversations really resembling the kind of personal/professional growth conversations i usually have with my own mum. marvelling at myself as korean textbook stockphrases i previously memorised and practiced for my korean language class unfolded in real life, in an ad-lib conversation with my latter interviewer's korean colleague. revelling in the beauty of languages for connecting me with people once again! receiving a text message the next day informing me that i made it! flying down the lift with my pre-prepared loa form in hand, right into my vice-rector's office. receiving the warmest of hugs from rector w as she showered me with "congratulations" and "so proud of you"s. finding myself fully moved out by friday - having completed not only the loa form but also the credit transfer form for my exchange. and now - here i am, looking back at just earlier last year when i had thought it was impossible to ever work for amazon (and their cloud business at that !!!) without any technical background, about to start a six-month stint with them in february. and the most joyful part remains that i did it a hundred percent with god - seeking His will in every step of the way.

detailing in words my personal growth journey and thought processes from eighteen to the current twenty-one brought an onslaught of ambivalent emotions, ranging from wistfulness to incredulity to ultimately - pride. i am so immensely proud of the version of myself today, bc it took all these twist and turns - heartbreaks, loneliness, spurts of empowerment - and underlying it all, a constant investment in myself and an innate self-belief that i am destined for greater things, to get to where i am today. god forbid i rest on my laurels, but as i look back at my tiny self at eighteen - full of cowardice, an aimless adolescent clueless about reaching out for opportunities and equally clueless about love, to the current (still evolving) version of myself now - confident, bold, and always believing i can have my cake and eat it - i am just so grateful for the people who have pulled me up and taken me under their wings along the way, for the friends who were there for me and for god - for taking me higher and higher just like his promise to me at eighteen.

am working harder than ever to have my cake and eat it - you, alongside my nascent but sure career coming together hand in hand. towards actualising that dream i have continued working on my professional skill-sets, investing in my health (working on my abs bc i've recently been into blackpink & you've also become such a hunk from training i want to be "the hottie to my hunkie"; finally taking mum's advice after all these years to cultivate a warm uterus by drinking more "warming" teas; also have been investing in skincare ever since korea days) and learning how to be a future mum by conscientiously practicing my culinary skills daily (mum joked today she has now become the assistant) so my future kids won't starve (and also bc you're the greatest foodie i know). the desire to do both has never felt stronger, & with god, hard work and gracious help along the way - watch me.