"i took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. i am, i am, i am."

there is still so much to be thankful for. 

it is truly the little things that differentiate good days from bad ones, and today was a good day. whatever transpired at the beginning of this week felt like a massive step back from manifesting my vision and compass for what constitutes the truest and most beautiful version of my life. but today i felt alittle more like my old self again - the "me" who brims with joy from the sheer promise of life but who is typically stashed away whenever i go into auto-pilot mode and amble along in the lucid slumber of the mundane day-to-day. today i showed up for myself by going forward to introduce myself to that specific person who had showed up in my dreams before - that someone who personifies the qualities of the strong career woman whom i aspire to be one day. it sounds inconsequential, but i've been wanting to do this for the past 2.5 years and i finally found both the courage and opportunity to do so today. the best part of showing up for myself is that it's a gift that keeps giving: it creates joy in my heart which makes me more inclined to pause and connect with the people around me, and those connections in turn make me even more joyful. i become a cup that overflows. 

this is by far my favourite definition of contentment that i really resonate with: "contentment means to be happy with what you have, who you are, and where you are. it is respecting the reality of the present. It is appreciating what you do have and where you are in life. contentment does not mean the absence of desire; it just means you are satisfied with your present, and you trust that the turns your life takes will be for the best." tonight, i am reminded of a particular evening in the summer of 2016, where i was on the new york metro and it suddenly struck me that i was the living embodiment of a persona i had admired years ago. today i realised that i am already building and manifesting the ideal life for myself, at least in the career facet. 

this is what i wrote in april about my personal definition of what constitutes a true and beautiful life: "...work is challenging but it is also incredibly meaningful. i am still in the industry of my dreams. i am needed, seen, heard and respected by everyone around me. work makes me feel alive and in my zone, bringing me back to that feeling of "flying" that i used to feel during my yirpa college days. the work that i do is so uniquely "me": it fits the value proposition i have to give to the world like the glove i have always been meant to wear. i have finally found my niche - one that sits at the perfect intersection of business needs and what i naturally gravitate towards." there is still a steep learning curve ahead but there is also so much promise of gratification from the potential value-add i can bring to the table. god has placed me in this unique position in the business that is only privy to me and i have the opportunity to use my skillsets to make a positive impact. my favourite words of wisdom from m is "the grass is greener where you water it." staying put was difficult and comparison made it all the more tougher. but i am also now reaping the benefits of deepening my roots. i love this article that m shared with me. it eloquently articulates (far better than i could ever have) the value of staying put even as the world uproots and cajoles you towards the allure of a greener grass patch outside from where you are. 

contentment comes from the realisation that youth is my capital. in a world where age correlates with credibility, deepening my roots and staying laser-focused on my own defined path mean i can be both young and credible. i just need to continue showing up for myself in the little ways like i've always done and wait for time to compound the impact of working both hard and smart.

the best door

the prelude was harder than the actual event of knowing, but i will only give myself tonight to feel sadness in whatever forms it comes. revelations 3:7 has been strangely comforting: "what He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open." it is as proverbs 16:9 so aptly articulates: ""in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

my life story can be summarised as a series of god shutting doors in all shapes and forms right in my face, only to open the best ones for me. interning in new york. going to spain on santander's scholarship. interning at aws with the best mentors. getting into salesforce as a graduate. meeting marcus. finding our current house. securing our wedding venue and solemniser. my career thus far. today is no different. i will await the glorious day where god opens the destined door for me, and for us: that door will be one that no one, thing or circumstance will be able to shut. 

soundtracks for seasons

it is the soundtrack that truly makes a drama. it is the soundtrack that encapsulates the longing, the melancholy, the joy, the anger, the catharsis, the butterflies, the nostalgia, the camaraderie of a passé world where characters lived out their glorious story arc, then rolls everything up into a ball and delivers its punch to whoever who would press play. even after the raving reviews fade and the world forgets, the soundtrack remembers and evokes the listener to remember as well. 

in the same vein, the soundtrack is the surrounding context. two saturdays ago, i walked away from the inaugural college alumni reunion with ambivalent emotions in my heart. there was warmth from meeting up with old friends, but also a lingering emptiness from conversations that i would have had, if only we had turned back the clock by six years. i felt connected - yet displaced, uplifted - yet dispirited, nostalgic yet hardened. it made me realise the gravity of context in shaping a sense of belonging and a sense of what's important in life.   

my soundtrack for that season ended in 2019. what had felt so real then came rushing back - but i had to stop myself to remember that my feelings in the present were a mirage. revisiting 2015-2019 in 2022 without its context was like visiting a house without a home. my life is happening in 2022 now, with a completely different soundtrack. what is important to me now is completely different from what was important then. the old me would have stayed for the mixer and let myself go for the night, but that's no longer who i am and what's important to me. i strode out of the campus gates alone with this sole thought in my head: "what's important to me now is going home to my husband who's waiting for me, so we can turn in together." these days, it's the prospect of our next phase of life that excites me. working towards manifesting my vision for what i envisage to be the truest, most beautiful story about my life is what makes me feel so special to get to be "me" - a "me" living in this vast world that can be harsh but will still find space to be gracious enough to me, bc it is my Giant Slayer who goes before me.  

yes i'm changing, yes i'm gone, yes i'm older, yes i'm moving on i've moved on