how do i put it into words

just today on the subway to work i was thinking about how fortunate i am to be doing this - something unthinkable & rendered absolutely insane by my (preconceived) definition. & then it hit me & i realised i am the embodiment of the elusive & abtruse conception of a person i had admired years ago in junior college: the young adult who embarks on an internship overseas in a vast city without accompanying friends, the solitary warrior who has to settle in a foreign land & make friends only after arriving here, the valiant soul who has to fight off loneliness & find peace with being alone or doing things alone. in my head i had pictured a third year or final year college student - it had seemed "adult" enough to be travelling and living alone in a foreign country away from the bubblewrap comfort of home. but here i am - as a freshman who still feels like a child inside irrespective of the immense growth from the past year. the bed i am sitting on right now still feels as comfortable as the bed that sits at home 15 280 kilometres away - it still baffles me that i am so far away. i cannot reconcile that i am the figure i had looked up to years ago, but i am so incredibly humbled & proud - & how do i describe this ambivalent paradox of emotions. nevertheless i am unabashed to proclaim that i am proud of myself - proud that i have managed to concretise my new year's resolution as early as mid-year, for the first time since forever. in retrospect, it turns out i did not have to look that far. & seeing the close friends around me already settled in on pursuing their respective summers (mostly) living alone, just like me - a group of people of my age literally dotted across the globe - buenos aires, taiwan, australia, india, paris etc. - how they make my experience here seem like the natural thing to do. i don't feel my age - i still feel like i am thirteen inside most of the time, but i absolutely love how this culture of travelling/living/working alone in a foreign city already feels so normalised even though we are mere first year college kids. i took a leap bc i told myself if i could do new york city alone as a mere freshman i would be able to do anything in life. 

i am here,
& i have never felt more alive,
or more capable of achieving my future career goals.

tonight my cup overflows, & i thank You with all of my heart.