a quiet sense of empowerment

this will probably be the final post before i enter the next season of our lives. 

after months of hustling, it feels like such a gift to be able to slow down and just nest whilst in this limbo period of waiting: to grab coffee and a massage on quiet mornings after dropping toddler n off at school, to take in the joy of unhurried reading, to pivot towards making the house feel orderly and like ours again. 

i didn't see this coming when we first ushered in 2025 - but i think this year is shaping up to be one of the most empowering years of my life thus far. i think the last time i felt something remotely similar was back in 2016, with my three month solitary stint in new york that ignited an unquenchable thirst for personal growth that culminated in two other solitary sojourns across the globe. while previously that reverberating feeling in my chest had been one of passion and fire, it somehow feels different this time - how should i best describe it? it feels like a quiet sense of affirmation, the way i imagine it feels when someone you respect gives your shoulders a gentle squeeze at the end of an arduous chapter and whispers "you did well my child". 

i didn't expect this year to be the year of conquering some of my deepest and long-standing fears that i've harboured in my life thus far: sticking through a year of doing tech sales, even while i felt like i was constantly treading water and couldn't see the light - until finally achieving a breakthrough. picking up driving again in third trimester (i haven't been behind the wheel ever since getting my license back in 2018, which we all know is not equivalent to being ready on the roads) and being able to fulfil (i know it sounds silly) part of my life's vision of being able to drive our kid(s) to school and depend solely on myself to go anywhere i want to go. and what's upcoming: confronting the rite-of-passage of childbirth again to get to what i imagine as the truest and most beautiful version of my life, particularly after a traumatic delivery with our firstborn who is the dearest little creature we have ever laid our eyes upon. 

earlier this week i drove myself to paragon for my ob-gyn appointment, grabbed my nostalgic drink order at starbucks (matcha-espresso, which will always remind me of a particular morning in sophomore year after i pulled an almost all-nighter for an assignment) before my appointment, treated myself to a solitary feast at sushiro for lunch after, and then drove back home for a 2-hr nap. it was a perfect day. i'm currently reading morgan housel's new book "the art of spending money", and there is one part of the book that talks about the utility of money to purchase not experiences per se, but memories that will form nostalgia in time to come. i think this day will be one of those days i'll look back fondly in time to come. as i wrote before, what constitutes fulfilment and contentment for me in this life is feeling like i am working closer towards manifesting what i deem to be the most beautiful version of my life, and operating from a position of abundance rather than scarcity. it is such a blessing to feel that i am living in alignment with these aspirations and values. 

and i will remember: "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" - james 1:17 

remembering what a good season feels like

it's been awhile, and life has also altered quite significantly since nov last year. the passage of time is an interesting concept to grapple with - how are the days so long but months so short? in living month by month and quarter by quarter, the days had seemed so hard and the journey so arduous, but suddenly in the blink of an eye we are finally reaching the place we had struggled to envisage in our heads. 

nine months seem like a long time to grow a human being from conception, but if you really think about it, it means that absolute nothingness can blossom into living flesh within the span of the same year. in tabling my previous diary entry last november, it had never crossed my mind that (God willing), we will be welcoming a new member of our family by the time our earth makes a full round around the sun. but truth be told, this pregnancy has been so different from my first born's. somehow wearing the title of "pregnant working mother" in such a demanding role like this one has meant that i simply, hardly have time to pause and remember that i am simultaneously growing an entirely new human being - until i am lying in bed at night and feel our little growing one doing her cute wriggles within me. especially in this season of closing off my first good quarter and putting my best foot forward for the next one - my big bet which i really, really hope will pay off before i leave - life has been hectic both in and outside of the household for the most part. dealing with meltdowns from the terrible twos while exhausted from a hard day of hustling and chasing after deals. decompressing for a few hours on our saturday date nights. rinse and repeat. solitary gynae visits by choice in between working hours so that i can hammer things out on my laptop if i had to wait (case in point: i showed up alone for my gestational diabetes check bc i wanted to use all three hours of blood-taking and interval-waiting to progress my deals; with toddler n, i had a mini entourage waiting alongside me, followed by a nice long lunch together at paragon and a rewarding nap at home). but in a strange way, tiring as the work week is - work has been (at times) quite empowering, now that i feel i'm slowly getting better at what i do. 

speaking of good quarters, i just want to pause and take in the feeling of what a good quarter feels like. the previous quarter was absolutely horrible and i remember sitting on the edge of the rocky shore in east coast with m during one of our date nights, feeling my heart sinking into the depths of the sea as i wondered if i would ever make it through even after so much striving. but God has been so faithful even as i have been faithless. the money can get really good if you close big and close well, but this role has made me realise that i am inherently not motivated by money (an irony). i have come to realise that i am inherently motivated by the feeling that i can be and that i am good at what i decide to put my mind to. i am reminded of this picture that i saw a few years ago - from the top view it may look like one is going around in infinite circles, but the reality is so different - from the side view, one is actually spiralling upwards and soaring higher into the skies. these days i keep having this thought: maybe if i hold on long enough and hone this craft, i will reach my breakthrough point soon? 

i think this is why i am putting in so much effort and hope into this final big bet before i enter another very different season (i joke that it's like jumping from one crappy hole to another - i am looking forward to a respite from perpetual stress, but i'm not looking forward to taking on the role of a mother cow who's perpetually sleep deprived from 3-hourly feeds). i was also reflecting on my csm career with m last night, trying to fall back asleep after toddler n woke all of us up with her demanding cries for cuddles and milk at 3am last night. learning how to do b2b software sales has gifted me with such exponential professional growth (m says my math has gotten so much more accurate since starting this role that it catches him by surprise), but it's actually foundations from being a csm and staying in that craft for a relatively longer time (compared to my peers) that gives me the "muscle-memory" and confidence to steer this sizeable rfp ship. without the prior experience on strategic, enterprise accounts in my previous career stint, i don't think i would have the ability or know-how to delegate work and orchestrate massive coordination across multiple internal and external stakeholders (both the customer and our partners), while maintaining clear communication channels to ensure everyone remains aligned and fulfils their role within this deal. i am just thankful that those years weren't wasted experience, even though they had felt like a career slowdown for the sake of us prioritising bringing toddler n into this world. all i can say is that the upcoming quarter looks tough (as always), but i just want to pause and give thanks for moments when things feel like they are finally falling into place. 

it is finally the weekend - i've worked so hard this week and i am thrilled to be able to bask in the fruits of my labour from the work week. work can sometimes feel so looming and overwhelming while in the thick of it, especially during monday forecast calls. but coming back to a warm and noisy home daily have just been so grounding. work is but one of the many facets of my life - toddler n's cheeky grin when she's up to no good and the warmth from clasping her tiny hand during car rides on our family adventures are truly the larger picture in life that make life so worth living.