it's been awhile, and life has also altered quite significantly since nov last year. the passage of time is an interesting concept to grapple with - how are the days so long but months so short? in living month by month and quarter by quarter, the days had seemed so hard and the journey so arduous, but suddenly in the blink of an eye we are finally reaching the place we had struggled to envisage in our heads.
nine months seem like a long time to grow a human being from conception, but if you really think about it, it means that absolute nothingness can blossom into living flesh within the span of the same year. in tabling my previous diary entry last november, it had never crossed my mind that (God willing), we will be welcoming a new member of our family by the time our earth makes a full round around the sun. but truth be told, this pregnancy has been so different from my first born's. somehow wearing the title of "pregnant working mother" in such a demanding role like this one has meant that i simply, hardly have time to pause and remember that i am simultaneously growing an entirely new human being - until i am lying in bed at night and feel our little growing one doing her cute wriggles within me. especially in this season of closing off my first good quarter and putting my best foot forward for the next one - my big bet which i really, really hope will pay off before i leave - life has been hectic both in and outside of the household for the most part. dealing with meltdowns from the terrible twos while exhausted from a hard day of hustling and chasing after deals. decompressing for a few hours on our saturday date nights. rinse and repeat. solitary gynae visits by choice in between working hours so that i can hammer things out on my laptop if i had to wait (case in point: i showed up alone for my gestational diabetes check bc i wanted to use all three hours of blood-taking and interval-waiting to progress my deals; with toddler n, i had a mini entourage waiting alongside me, followed by a nice long lunch together at paragon and a rewarding nap at home). but in a strange way, tiring as the work week is - work has been (at times) quite empowering, now that i feel i'm slowly getting better at what i do.
speaking of good quarters, i just want to pause and take in the feeling of what a good quarter feels like. the previous quarter was absolutely horrible and i remember sitting on the edge of the rocky shore in east coast with m during one of our date nights, feeling my heart sinking into the depths of the sea as i wondered if i would ever make it through even after so much striving. but God has been so faithful even as i have been faithless. the money can get really good if you close big and close well, but this role has made me realise that i am inherently not motivated by money (an irony). i have come to realise that i am inherently motivated by the feeling that i can be and that i am good at what i decide to put my mind to. i am reminded of this picture that i saw a few years ago - from the top view it may look like one is going around in infinite circles, but the reality is so different - from the side view, one is actually spiralling upwards and soaring higher into the skies. these days i keep having this thought: maybe if i hold on long enough and hone this craft, i will reach my breakthrough point soon?
i think this is why i am putting in so much effort and hope into this final big bet before i enter another very different season (i joke that it's like jumping from one crappy hole to another - i am looking forward to a respite from perpetual stress, but i'm not looking forward to taking on the role of a mother cow who's perpetually sleep deprived from 3-hourly feeds). i was also reflecting on my csm career with m last night, trying to fall back asleep after toddler n woke all of us up with her demanding cries for cuddles and milk at 3am last night. learning how to do b2b software sales has gifted me with such exponential professional growth (m says my math has gotten so much more accurate since starting this role that it catches him by surprise), but it's actually foundations from being a csm and staying in that craft for a relatively longer time (compared to my peers) that gives me the "muscle-memory" and confidence to steer this sizeable rfp ship. without the prior experience on strategic, enterprise accounts in my previous career stint, i don't think i would have the ability or know-how to delegate work and orchestrate massive coordination across multiple internal and external stakeholders (both the customer and our partners), while maintaining clear communication channels to ensure everyone remains aligned and fulfils their role within this deal. i am just thankful that those years weren't wasted experience, even though they had felt like a career slowdown for the sake of us prioritising bringing toddler n into this world. all i can say is that the upcoming quarter looks tough (as always), but i just want to pause and give thanks for moments when things feel like they are finally falling into place.
it is finally the weekend - i've worked so hard this week and i am thrilled to be able to bask in the fruits of my labour from the work week. work can sometimes feel so looming and overwhelming while in the thick of it, especially during monday forecast calls. but coming back to a warm and noisy home daily have just been so grounding. work is but one of the many facets of my life - toddler n's cheeky grin when she's up to no good and the warmth from clasping her tiny hand during car rides on our family adventures are truly the larger picture in life that make life so worth living.
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