yes i'm changing

have never dared to admit to myself but i have been throwing a closet self-pity party thinking & knowing that i am worth more than all of these but still choosing to wallow in how unfair the cumulative everything has been for me when for others it has been smooth-sailing - so tonight i am going to dance for myself, not out of spite, but out of celebration for my own perceived beauty & worth.

summer is here

this semester i learned how to deal with loss, learned how to deal with my own warped version of independence, learned how to pause in the moments of breathless laughter/good night walks & talks/buttery nights & thank God for the friends i so dearly appreciate in my life, learned how to be there for these same friends when they are feeling blue, learned how to live with graded "b"s even when i thought they would be "a"s, learned how to guard my heart a little better, learned how to thank my rational mind for saving my ass of a heart for the umpteenth time, learned how to become a bolder version of myself (even if it means digging more graves for clarity's sake), learned how to channel residual sadness into working on a better version of myself, learned how to feel unabashed about feeling beautiful & even using that feminine charm to my advantage & above all, learned how 'in their hearts humans plan their course, but the lord establishes their steps' (proverbs 16:9).

god's timing is perfect, & His timing is summer itself.
it has been a really good semester to conclude freshman year, & i am looking forward to a new season in new york.

expression

just returned from tbg 2016 and i am still reeling from the immense, ineffable feeling of how important art is: how important context is; how important culture is; how important finding a medium of expression that feels so you is; how it is really these little things that keep us sane & alive - dancing vicariously through the international/local acts today made me realise how i've not been pursuing the things that light me up on the inside enough; how it has been such a long time since i have felt like i really pushed myself to the limits in expressing myself - i've been so dormant & so cautious in pursuing these things that i love that i've forgotten how much they actually mean to me.

expression - the word that encapsulates this season i am in. 

proverbs 4:23

'calcify, calcify, calcify', all the while the voices in my head rang, 'one more is bonus but without is also fine'.

the first track on my sound cloud playlist in sync with the thud of each foot placed forward on the treadmill - 'expression': how apt a name for the first track (first now & then) i had turned to as an assertion of independence & found to be more than sufficient - to still feel so characterised that if i have to be a track this is definitely it. the mirror is so fittingly placed. you are beautiful. you are attractive. you are a strong, independent entity. you are complete - in Him, yes you are complete. what a cathartic moment it is, feeling the fatigue - of the moment, of the physical, psychological & emotional evaporate with the steam of invincibility rising again from within, emerging; pushing through; triumphing, to feel its manifestation in the lightness of steps with my gaze transfixed all the while ahead. i am flying in tune with 'expression' - i am the expression.

i am human, with the capacity to love but more often than not enamoured with the idea of love. i don't want a golden calf, a mere object i channel and pin all my affections on. i don't want any objects of worship, for the sake of having something to worship.

i will be the walls of jericho, broken asunder by the will of god alone.

snow white

suddenly dawned on me why i have always disliked snow white so much - she is the diametrically opposing archetype of girl goal mulan, the ultimate projection of weakness and idiocy i.e. she pines for a prince from the opening of the classic, puts her entire faith in a bunch of dwarfs she has never met before, is absolutely dependent on (& hence vulnerable to) the kindness of people around her, never attempts to carve out anything on her own accord & is ultimately poisoned by a shiny apple bc she never learns how to say no / has completely no sense of discernment wrt people -

some days i feel like mulan but the reason why i hate snow white with such a vengeance is bc i've realised on days like these, i feel just like snow white - wrapped under my covers in inertia, tired from trying to be mulan all the time.

edit 23:03: had rly good chai, found my nail color that just screams !! denise !!, just stumbled upon some rly feel good indie music & my room smells like a honeysuckle bouquet thanks to my illuminated candle - i am ready to be mulan again (after all, mulan saved china before she found shang)

Your praise will ever be on my lips

truly, what would i do without the knowledge that You are sovereign above all, and will never withhold Your blessings from Your beloved children.

what would i do if i didn't have You, in times of utter despondency or when faced with the crumbling walls of a faux & self-perpetuated optimism. 

what would i do without praise as my sole anthem & weapon, in times of wretchedness? 

i cannot fathom. 

self pep-talk

i will find beauty & inspiration in everything around me. i will proclaim the goodness of god over my life every day. i will tell the good stories. i will stave off any forms of negativity that seeps & plagues & aches in crevices inside the psyche but never value-adds & instead destroys & cremates. i will live with conviction that i am meant for great things. i will smile with my eyes & laugh with my heart. i will stand firm & learn how to say no, even if it means something inside me wavers & dies a little inside. i will be first independent, before anything or anyone else. i will be bold in chasing the things i believe i deserve. above all, i will put myself on the trajectory for continuous improvement - to never stop working on myself; to never stop learning; to never stop feeling good about personal progress, & to continue doing things which make me brim with happiness.