looking back, i truly loved how i spent my twenties and i have no regrets.
if i had to describe how my twenties were like:
the earlier years - experimental, unbridled, feministic. i was pushing boundaries and in the process of discovering what self-love and self-affirmation looked like, after years of internalising the world's narrative that i was never going to be good enough. investing in myself was the anthem of that season. the world felt like my oyster and i was constantly sprinting towards the sky, all while being stoically numb on the inside.
i turned twenty while i was alone in new york city - i was just a petite girl in a big and unforgiving city, learning for the first time how to navigate life independently. at that point in time, i had no notion of what love could truly mean, and i was so close to giving up on being able to find my very own person in this world meant for me. i mentioned this at my wedding speech - i really thought that i would end up marrying someone who loved me dearly but whom i would try hard to love for the rest of my life. i was ready for that kind of life - steady but permanently numbing on the inside.
it does sound melancholic and kind of pitiful, but 2016 denise was so necessary for 2026 denise to exist today. it was that season that taught me what living a good life truly looks like - it would be the opposite of whatever i was going through. it taught me that you could feel like you were soaring professionally but still be astronomically broken on the inside. going after potential partners like it were a job hunt made me realise that the seemingly endless chase was exhausting and that i was done chasing after love as if it could be hunted with sheer perseverance and grit.
choosing to start my career in a customer-facing role even though i had an internal-facing role carved out and waiting for me, back at the tech giant i interned at. it was such a difficult decision then but it still continues to shape the trajectory of the career that i know now. learning how to talk to key stakeholders at large corporations. dealing with angry executives and even turning them into friends (one of whom i still keep in close contact with - she still remembers my birthday every year!). pivoting to tech sales after our first kid - the thought of it had scared every fiber of my being while i entertained it, but nevertheless i still leaped into, even while struggling to come out of postpartum brain fog and having zero selling experience (at least on paper).
the later years - grounding, building, integrating. it has always been my life's dream to be a career woman and a young mother of two. i gave birth to nayo at twenty seven and natty at twenty nine. many congratulate me for being officially done with family planning before thirty. but few see the compromises and self-discipline over the past five years that it took to get here. the countless times i felt professionally stuck but had to hold my ground as i wistfully watched my peers soar unfettered into new careers or unlock new pay-grades as they hustled upwards. my close circle would know - how difficult it was to hold still in the uncertainty of a season like family-planning, repeating to myself mantras such as "the grass is greener where you water it" and how "everyone has their own finishing line" - knowing full well that child-bearing would always come at the expense of the woman's career and reputation.
it has been three weeks since i went back to work after a long parental leave break. as chaotic and exhausting as life has been, it does feel good to have my own thing outside of motherhood. one of my teammates described our work really accurately, especially when one is riding a wave: "you don't want to do it. but you also really want to do it". it sounds nonsensical but it's so true - there are some deals where the chase is so incredibly frustrating, yet also simultaneously exhilarating. i never really understood why people mentioned they like both the money and the adrenaline from this line of work, at the expense of their sanity. it takes awhile to get to a certain level of competence where things start to make more sense, but i think i get it now. the nature of this specific role is that one has to be in the driver's seat for every single deal. on a qualified multi-cloud and multi-stakeholder deal like the one that i'm working on now - every curveball thrown makes my heart sink bc it means one more risk that everyone is looking to me to mitigate for, but it also makes me feel so incredibly empowered to be able to steer this ship towards a tangible path of closure. the work itself is high stress, but also highly rewarding if one is able to secure a breakthrough. i hope i do soon, bc i do genuinely enjoy the work even though it takes a mammoth amount of effort to keep abreast of all the moving parts. doing this in conjunction with two kids under three feels like i'm juggling a precarious circus act - and all i'm dreading is the moment where everything unravels and the audience boos. that being said - both are incredibly fulfilling work, and being able to preserve my identity as my own person is such a huge blessing.
life at home provides me with the grounding that i need in a crazy, seemingly unsustainable role like this one. to be building this very life together as our little family of four surrounded by a supportive village - this very life i had dreamt of even as a teenager, is in itself God's grace and something i am incredibly grateful for.
