from alicante, spain

learning that homesickness is a place & a person - with the rosy pink afterglow of the setting sun dusting los calles in a romantic light, the solitary stroll back to a home away from home in 23 degree weather, thinking i'll be home if i were here with you - how perfect it would be if we were taking on this journey hand in hand - but i close my eyes, turn on some good o' jay chou & vestiges of you start piecing themselves together again, until i see you lying on my bed back in my college room, until i am able to hold your face concretely in my cupped hands & plant a kiss on your lips. this way, i keep you alive in my head, por siempre, until i'm able to be home again.

but this distance is so important for me (& hopefully for you too), for me to remember that i had and still have a life apart from you. for me to remember how it feels like to have that incendiary feeling of invincibility rising in my chest from throwing myself into foreign, big & small cities that either speak english or almost completely don't, that continual personal growth is probably one of my most important life goals. that i am whole & full, first alone in God & in myself. the beauty of this is that you inhabit my heart but do not compose it, & in doing so we do not complete each other but complement & value-add to each other's lives. to have a life & career apart from each other is so important - it ensures that our relationship will never hinder, but always make both of us better persons. & the fact that you continually support my ambitious pursuit of personal goals even though they separate us geographically makes me love you even more - for embodying our first principles established together i.e. as mentioned above.

today, one of my close friends from rg shot me a dm with reference to how she finds my solo travels to faraway foreign countries inspirational & that other people on my feed would think so too, that in doing so i smash the stereotype of what a petite, twenty year old girl can accomplish. if you are reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you. after a week, life here has become so normalised that most of the time i forget that i am here alone, with my family & everyone i love living on (almost) the other end of the globe (new york was literally half but spain's not as bad). it sounds crazy but it's true -  i have to remind myself constantly that this is not normal, that i have become comfortable with the uncomfortable, that i am far more capable than i sometimes give myself credit for. that i have & am actually conceptualising a vague longing to learn spanish in the country of its origin ever since i embarked on learning this language. that i am now proficient enough to have very substantial & entertaining conversations with my host & her partner - about how corrupt spanish politicians are, unemployment particularly amongst youths, differences in cultures, how male chauvinistic this language is (which she didn't realise but later agreed with me) & about politics in sg etc. there are still hiccups in my grammar here & there but i am picking up things as i go along. sometimes this still feels like a dream, & i am so privileged to be able to partake in such an experience w/o predominantly spending my parents' $$$. i cannot wait to piece together a video of all the clips i took/have taken for posterity. i want to be able to look back on my youth & not harbour a tinge of regret, but feel immensely proud for achieving big things at a young age. so here i am, turning 21 in two days, by myself in a country i speak the fourth language of. so here i am, hoping for a more fruitful summer'17 over a summer'16 that's hard to beat in every aspect.

you - a homecoming

fell asleep on your sturdy chest while drifting off into a subconscious blur on the train ride after a blessed brunch of poached eggs & smoked salmon, how herculean your chest felt as you cradled the side of my head with your cautious hand, the crevice of your neck leaning into mine, how safe, how sound, how dreamily i smiled as landon pigg's falling in love at a coffee shop became backdrop in our ears - the one tune that had made me want to fall in love in rj days, how blessed i was to be able to listen to it once again - this time with someone who makes me feel like i will be safe in his loving arms, even with the walls crumbling all around me - with you, in your arms.

i thought the romantic in me died when my heart kept getting broken by the reality of boys who were never careful enough, but you bring out that side of me again, the latent writer & poet who finds beauty in the expression of feelings into words, so that i can paint a picture of you not only in visions but also in words. how ironic, that you deal with numbers and scientific terms better than poetry & art, that you are able to make me feel more connected with the innate humanistic psyche that got gradually lost along the way until i didn't want to write anymore bc there was nothing joyful worth writing about - only pain & sadness that had to be catharcised, letters to myself that had to be set alight & reduced to ashes. but you who affirm me, who not only celebrate my joys with me but also carry my burdens, who uplift me & lead me to the One Thing not only in brokenness but even in the little things - you who are willing to have both mindless & necessary conversations with me, you who always do things not for yourself, but for "us" -

you who unlock the girlish, soft side of me while continually supporting the fiercely ambitious facet of my personality that needs to soar in my own personal & professional life - it is you who are my homecoming, the sturdy reel of the kite that is me.

you (abridged version)

with you,
in an alternate universe -
your hand in mine,
our heads in the clouds,
a million illuminated lanterns drifting,
floating upwards - a landscape
of innumerable constellations,
as multitudinous as the descendants
God promised to abraham -
fireworks going off in my head:
the sensation of falling headfirst is
so ineffable, i can only describe
it as backdrop.

i close my eyes
& see your face imprinted
in my mind -
(those staring episodes were
for memory work)
puppy eyes, droppy eyelids, with a
tiny mole next to the right;
a large nose with a straight bridge
diverging into two nostrils;
boat-shaped lips almost symmetrical;
(this was why my finger kept tracing
your lips - to commit them to memory)
cheeks that fit nicely
into two outstretched palms of my hands,
soft hair & a sharp chin that is your pride,
& bags your bragging rights.

you who remember my
favourite things & activities,
who are not afraid of telling me
you miss me,
who hug me even in your dreams.
you who plan & prepare
for our dates,
despite your punishing work schedule.
you who make me feel
as valued - or more so
than how i value myself,
who (love) me for me
& not for my body - to you
i am not just an object, to be touched &
paraded around - a trophy only to be
shined in public.
you who are as auntie
as i am, that we can always count
on each other -
not just for comfort in sadness,
but also tissues, & umbrellas.

you who make me feel
like i can be a modern day
kickass princess warrior
like mulan - everyday i
thank You, for you.
"and at last i see the light 
& it's like the sky is new,
& it's warm & real & bright
& the world has somehow shifted."

我们轻轻的唱，去任何地方

the weight of the world

is love.

under the burden

of solitude,

under the burden 

of dissatisfaction

the weight,

the weight we carry

is love. 

|---------------------------------------------------------|

who can deny?

in dreams

it touches

the body,

in thought 

constructs

a miracle,

in imagination

anguishes 

till born

in human -

looks out of the heart

burning with purity - 

- song, allen ginsberg

you weigh me down, only in all the good ways.
your shoulder is almost as sturdy as the Rock that holds us both.

to be both

i want to be both of everything good - to fall headfirst in love (with you) & yet not let my grades slide, to settle down young & yet fiercely carve out a career at the same time, to be a young mum & a kickass career woman in the future -

& why should they be mutually exclusive?
i want to have my cake & eat it, & with God i think i can.
i can, i can, i can.

你是我的关键词

这是第一次，让我见识爱情可以慷慨又自私，

有一种踏实，是你心中有我名字。 

finalmente

cuando pienso en ti, mi corazón está lleno,

porque Tú, sólo porque Tú

how do i aptly describe this joy
of finally walking right with You,
of knowing that i am able to feel
unmitigated, uncoloured joy - freed
from the irrational fear of false hopes,
insecurities stemming
from knowing whatever i put my hand to
will not be blessed if i do not
seek You first, in my pursuit;
precisely bc
i do not need to hide from man,
when i do not need to hide from You, God.

the steadfastness of my heart & soul,
anchored in the ineffaceable faith
that You will bless what we have
& how we love, both You and each other -
when we uplift each other with prayer,
when we come together to honour You,
to anchor ourselves in all that You are.

the sheer freedom of knowing
that in our hearts we plan our course,
but You establish our steps -
both as a collective & as individuals.
that if You will,
nothing will be able to stand against
nor prevail against
us.

i am learning the blessing
of having our separate, busy lives -
yet having my heart bursting with fullness,
even in the hours spent apart,
knowing for sure that
our covenant
consists of no games.

there is only one rule:
to uplift.