hutalu

dance feste 2013 was beyond amazing
i am so proud of all of us,
proud of ourselves for moulding & refining something
that lacked even a primary form six days ago
proud of ourselves even if we didn't win any placing,
because heck yeah we were the only house without legit dancers in df at alllllll

thank You for seeing us through these few nebulous days,
that everything unfolded perfectly in the beauty of Your plan

above all, i had so much fun
i got closer to people whom i hadn't talked to for a long time
i got to know incredulously hilarious people
i got to do so many things i couldn't imagine i would do at the start of the year

"one in a million" team dinner yesterday ended the hugely blessed day with a bang

there is so much i will miss
house party tomorrow, so much love for hadley hullett ♡

stupid

i feel like i should castigate myself for going against the circuit of my being

i was so close, yet i stupidly chose to follow in the footsteps of rationality
unabashed of kidding myself
i should have known to follow my heart, this is how i am crafted to be
stupid stupid stupid

a few cautious words from loved ones: "don't act on impulse"
but i don't even know if i'm striking while the iron is hot
on the mechanism of imprudence, because i'm not evaluating the situation enough,
or if i was so wrong to overthink, i was so wrong to act prudently

is this "impulse" the effect of accumulated agony?
i honestly don't know

leaving the outcome into Your hands,
i will be where You will me to be


df reh tmrw, we may not be the best, but we had fun
& that is honestly the crux of an IHC, am so glad to have been a part of this
(we fight, for purple & black, we fight
for hadley hullett we fight--
HU HUTALU BINGU BINGU) 

blessed day

today has been such a blessed day,
i think my heart may actually be singing

free from the weight of guilt
free from the weight of expectations crushing my psyche

lord help tomorrow to be equally blessed amen

lithe

i am supposed to be asleep right now, but my fingers are itching

today has been more kind than sour, flowerless but nevertheless,
i shouldn't raise my expectations to the roof considering the (unfortunate) 3 : 20 ratio in class

the morning had been liberating when i left for some solitude before lectures, & i think it is these nuances that i will miss in time to come

it is as kate moss puts it "the morning has buoyed her somehow, its small beauties...she craves it now, this feeling, she can tell there's something waxing in her, like the moon. she can feel her own forces gathering--slowly as the morning light. she loves it, she really does, her life-- the sudden boundlessness of her choices. if she could only remember this."

had class lunch after school, took an fad commemorative photo, & left for the library after that to pay my pathetic 20 cent fine, (marcia commented that i "don't look like a library person" haha)
so many books i want to devour but i should have known that i should have done it sooner, much sooner

soon the workload is going to be a burden
soon i will have to compromise my leisure reads
no, i refuse

shelving dostoevesky at some intervals for triple plath time (poor d. is always the victim of momentary abandonment), can't wait to digest all of them

take five tomorrow, praying for good weather
hu hutalu bingu bingu 

peel away

felt like i was a floating body in a languid state, pulled & shoved by the relentless waves of people in the canteen today

watching, subconsciously aware that i was immersed in such an environment, yet my thoughts were thrown in the wind, drifting fortuitously about

watching people look like they had it all
watching the effacement of my own form, watching myself spinning dizzily from the blank walls

maybe not talking much makes me retreat into an inner shell
"maybe it's the thresholds that swallow us whole" 

what happened? it hadn't been a day
but it felt, it feels
 like walls are building up, people are struggling to justify themselves,
& the air slowly reeks of hostility, of fierce competition ignorant of a goal

all that's left is a trace of lightness
soon, it will be as such:

"all morning / the morning has been blackening" (sheep in fog, sylvia plath) 

if only dealing with people were as easy as peeling off the petals of a dead rose-- less painful & like worn paper

aurora'13

orientation'13 was amazing, am really inspired by the invested time & effort (evidently reflected in every event) put in by council/ogls & whoever it concerned

the house spirit was overwhelming & i think we have really capable house captains this year 

there wasn't much of a semblance of house spirit in rg, but i think i really love hadley hullet (which andrew attributed it to the cooler cheers with catchy rhythms). the sense of community & empowerment of cheering with HH is incredible. (SO MUCH LOVE FOR HUTALU) -- i may even try for house comm 

i will miss orientation so much: was sick for day three but i still thank the lord that i could make it for day one, two & four! the ogls are lovely people, my og is (deliberate use of present tense) made up of lovely people (although whether our personalities click is another matter) who are kings & queens of puns

 last night--o nite' was the best thing ever despite

my poor throat that feels as if it had been mauled by bears 

i think HH12 managed to fulfill the playful wishes of many who knew the inside joke since 2010 (the belles are ringing, marc your calendars) i must stress: let not your imagination run too far hahaha

doing the SND was a blast despite being cooked in the gallery (where we felt so isolated because the elevation negated our participatory factor), i think it was the learning & screwing up that made it fun (how this was the first few legit times i held hands with a guy hahaha). having guys around are actually quite a lot of fun when you're bored (most are gentlemanly lul, some are actually secret gossipers & many have 'interesting' stories to share hahaha) 

will remember how we wrung up our arms together & croaked (maybe it was/is only me since about three of the guys are from chorale) the batch'14 song, how we jumped like bunnies & how the ground below shook in sync with us, how we exploded with house spirit (for the first time in my life) as we cheered with the hutalu headbands & got ready to fight for war games, how the guys freaked out over the batch dance & practised with each other, how much fun we had screwing up the batch dance as a batch (irony in that haha), how HH12 flooded swensens after o nite for our late dinner & shared stories as if there wasn't school the next day 

i think-

 i miss orientation already