more than conquerors

i had a pretty blessed day in school today for a first day:

enjoyed a hilarious SEA lecture,

learnt that my rsp scholarship got renewed after they had examined my msp results (hahaha the irony was when results were mentioned) 

surprised dear juey with cake & polaroid with a bunch of (mostly) "strangers",

was wide awake & comprehended econs tutorial, 

got to bond with a few of my dance mates for a brief moment

and am currently listening to hillsong on a (supposedly) work-ladened night

(but am doing everything except work)

i really miss leafing through the great gatsby with a mug of hot tea on a rainy night & feeling truly alive,

or jotting down plath quotes in my "state of new york journal" in fascination of morbid thoughts that others would have shunned away like an imminent plague 

sigh 

but philippians 2:13 has been my victory song 

and i'm a conqueror through christ

reign

save Your people lord, bring them back, bring them back,

before they lose the heart to return

i think i finally understand this song verse "break my heart for what breaks Yours"
my heart is crying for all the lost souls, my heart is crying "come back, come back"
i can only imagine how much harder it is for You lord

i guess it hurts more when they were the ones to guide me back on that straight & narrow road when i faltered, & now i feel so helpless

i have no clue how to
i don't even know if i can, i struggle to take ownership of my own faith myself, who am i to exhort, to champion a revival in these cadaverous souls

i can only pray for Your hand to be upon them,
for the stirring of souls

(i love how listening to hillsong's zion brings so much godly peace into my heart)

went for cell today after so long, i am so glad for a community that treats one as if one has never "left"
this has only convicted my soul to pull away from a life of lukewarm passiveness, but lord let us not be complacent

pretzel & book scavenging with dear joy after cell today, it was good feeling like nothing had changed

purity

been parading around today with a cavern in my psyche

am unsure if it was the cumulative product of self-conflict, or if it seemed abrupt because i hadn't noticed it growing in my lungs

on deciding whether to appeal for isle, i had questioned my agenda for applying for it in the first place,
& i honestly do not know myself if i actually have another agenda buried under wraps that even this heart cannot detect

yes, i wish to serve, but some part of me keeps telling me that i don't deserve to because i am not sincere enough, some part of me keeps whispering that i've only but fallen in love with the idea & not the act itself

i have learnt enough to know that falling in love with ideas is my pitfall

if i am waging an internal war, fighting in a plume of smoke within the recesses of my head
how can they take me seriously if i am not 100% convicted that my motives are pure?

lord cleanse my heart & let everything i do be solely out of glorification
let everything that i do be done in love

turn my eyes to see Your face

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, 

where ever You would call me 

feel like i'm wasting my time away at certain designated, mandatory periods of my life, but You have ordained me in these circumstances, & i can only hope for a change of heart: help me to say with conviction that Your will be done

feeling the pressure of increasing workload burdening my frail shoulders, feeling like i don't have enough time to pursue my interests (extremely sucky timetable at play, for one)-- i can no longer afford plath & fatm nights, but i still want to thank god for the all the lovely, hilarious people in my life who make life more reckless than the box i feel like i am conformed to, & i pray things will stay this way

been studying with cheryl after school for the past few days, somehow the idea of spending prolonged durations of time in school does not repulse me as much as it did last year

hillsong nights are the best, love how they lead me to Peace, but i should be more careful, least they become peace in itself

"but we have treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of god & not of us"
-2 corinthians 8

i miss 2k12 with the bunny, i miss feeling unafraid of falling in love with the idea of morbid things (not at our own expense of course), i miss how we memorised p&p quotes while wiping plates at work 
 rabbit hole & pizza date during march hols please?