18th may

thank you everyone who made me feel so loved today

listening to the birthday soundtrack bunny j burned as part of my bday present & feeling really blessed in retrospect

got to spend time with different pockets of people who live in special compartments in my heart, who celebrated for & along with me (along with my best friend food of course)

i.e beloved og on thur morning, half of one in a million on fri afternoon, dance batchmates, cellmates & family today

read through all the heartfelt cards & am still feeling really touched: my existence is more tangible than i thought-- maybe i am more than a tourist in the waking world

wrapped up the evening with really good worship & soaked in the love of god in all its glory- a gift in itself

thank you everyone so much

i think i finally feel alive again, even if it's just for today

soul-preservation

exhaustion

it was so acute yesterday evening, then  i really wished i could have obliterated everyone around me with a twitch of an eyelid such that all would be placid and kind again

all those mindless chatter, deliberate yet seemingly fortuitous drifters

a smile to the lips but inside, could anyone tell i was dying,
reeling,
from the sudden epiphany that the arteries of my heart will never be fused with the arteries of any acquaintances in school to create a concoction similar to a magic potion, a potion that is truly alive on its own & stirs with an inexorable rhythm

an acquaintance who will not only fully comprehend but genuinely revel in things people denounce & dismiss

felt so sickened that i felt so lonely standing at the brink of an unfolding new world, being unable to enter because no one knew it existed, because my physical being was compelled to follow the sources of racket instead

thought about how i am not afraid to be alone, but afraid to be lonely

thought about how few people actually know this side of me exists, that the rest are all but a hoax,
a hoax conceived for self-protection that integrated & became a part of me (on the outside at least)

i miss having time alone to myself, quality time not spent fretting on anything but time just spent doing things i like, things that make me feel like i am alive again, things that allow me to fall in love with the idea of doing other things

sought the bunny j out in the midst of all the hullabaloo, glad i did because our nights were made
(reassurance of like-mindedness, reassurance of the need to stay anomalous for the sake of soul-preservation)

one thing i constantly forget:  c a r p e  d i e m

i need to make the most out of what i have

keeping up

the world spins on while i stand in the middle of the hullabaloo

adopting a passive role of watching, of detaching 

& admonishing my wearied soul for being so weak-willed in everything, for liking so many things but being competent at none 

thinking of the future scares me i cannot envisage myself fitting into anywhere

lord grant me courage to face my giants  

thursday was the worst day of the week, nothing colossal went wrong but i just felt like a violated & exposed hermit crab--all i wanted to do was to retrieve into my shell because interacting with people on a daily basis can be so tiring don't you think? 

found myself wishing i could mute every single person whose happiness took the grotesque form of noisy loudness, i really cannot fathom how some people think the way to attract somebody's attention is through making gorilla-like clamors or nonsensical statements that will elicit the phrase "trying too hard" (empty vessels indeed make the most noise)

everyone seems to enjoy mindless chatter and unproductive conversations but maybe it's because i'm anomalous (if i am it's something i will like to pride myself on)

on a bright note, today was pretty blessed

had a swift impromtu meet up session with joy & hannah because of othello tickets

cannot stress my inclination towards impromptu meet ups because spontaneous sessions are borne out of genuine relationships (which makes me miss rabbit hole impromtu dates so much)

(sorry for the incoherent post, my mind is whirling from fatigue)

long day ahead tomorrow, good night, sleep tight
& let god love you tonight xx

// trying to carpe diem my way through every weekday but it's getting really exhausting to keep up //