soul-preservation

exhaustion

it was so acute yesterday evening, then  i really wished i could have obliterated everyone around me with a twitch of an eyelid such that all would be placid and kind again

all those mindless chatter, deliberate yet seemingly fortuitous drifters

a smile to the lips but inside, could anyone tell i was dying,
reeling,
from the sudden epiphany that the arteries of my heart will never be fused with the arteries of any acquaintances in school to create a concoction similar to a magic potion, a potion that is truly alive on its own & stirs with an inexorable rhythm

an acquaintance who will not only fully comprehend but genuinely revel in things people denounce & dismiss

felt so sickened that i felt so lonely standing at the brink of an unfolding new world, being unable to enter because no one knew it existed, because my physical being was compelled to follow the sources of racket instead

thought about how i am not afraid to be alone, but afraid to be lonely

thought about how few people actually know this side of me exists, that the rest are all but a hoax,
a hoax conceived for self-protection that integrated & became a part of me (on the outside at least)

i miss having time alone to myself, quality time not spent fretting on anything but time just spent doing things i like, things that make me feel like i am alive again, things that allow me to fall in love with the idea of doing other things

sought the bunny j out in the midst of all the hullabaloo, glad i did because our nights were made
(reassurance of like-mindedness, reassurance of the need to stay anomalous for the sake of soul-preservation)

one thing i constantly forget:  c a r p e  d i e m

i need to make the most out of what i have