monotony's suffocating stranglehold

i wish i could drop by in town with a few good friends, gratify our deprived taste buds with good food & strut down the streets akin to the walk down the runway by fashion stars

i wish i could revisit m.s again with joy & belle to relive post-pp days with cheap ice cream, m& s & maybe some book hunting

i wish i could spend the remnants of my holiday being a hermit at some rusty corner of a placid cafe, reading my favourite book while sipping some hot chocolate, with a cashmere cardigan daintily draped over my shoulders so that i will be perfectly warm and incandescently happy (& enthralled by the perfection of this gratification)

i wish i could run away: let the physical act of running transcend the metaphorical, figurative meaning of running, that the act of a literal dash could unravel the burden of exams, the burden of things that are getting to heavy to carry, too heavy for my sheer passion of  merely understanding & dissecting in my head - not digesting, not to burn the pages with knowledge scribbled all over carelessly & borne out of exasperation

so tired of this consecutive monotonous existence - which seems like eternity

'eternity bores me, i never wanted it' (plath)  

trust

i haven't got an inkling on how i am going to finish all my revision in time for cts & in this race against time, sickness, taking the corporeal form of an ugly, yellow irritant, chooses my body as a host-

i am exasperated
but revival is timeless
Your days are timeless

this is a season of trust, of surrender:
lord i don't want to fall in love with the idea of trusting You

i want to fall in love with You
i want to fall in love with You because i trust You

i feel extremely lukewarm because i missed out on kingdom call, but i believe You are starting a personalized work in me, through circumstances that seem apathetic

in this bleakness i lift everything up into Your hands, i will throw my arms out to the wind, i will allow Your seed of trust to manifest in me

what are cts in the presence of my almighty savior?

perfect love casts out all fear
lead me to the rock that is higher than i am

ideas

malaise: missed out on kingdom call which was a really good opportunity to draw nearer to god, but i am glad that the perpetrator for my absence in camp made up for it to a certain, tangible extent

grew closer to the dance batchies especially in these past few days leading up to gales today, my heart is starting to grow for this bunch of people & i am really glad i went for batch outing today, even though i am reaping the aftermath of a hoarse throat from emptying my lungs out, through a medium we are all admittedly not the best at

there is this warm feeling in my heart that gradually froths & thickens with discovering an acquaintance/acquaintances who are able to understand things that will be frowned upon by others: the best part being in the unlikeliest of places

falling in love with the idea of falling in love

people wish to meet their future soulmates in all sorts of fancy places

me? i wish to meet my future boyfriend in between bookshelves, scouring opposite ends of those metal enclosures, drinking in the smell & essence of new worlds tucked away, only to realise that we are both drinking in the light-headedness of each other. at this, our eyes will meet for a fleeting second before we will bury our heads in the enthralling lure of favourite books again, yet the attractive pull will be irresistible in a non-sensual way, like the moon's. we will sneak peeks at each other & try not to get caught - at the end of it all we will meet at the end of the long shelf. we will muster the courage to exchange book titles, only to discover the books we are armed with are by the same author and/or have the same themes, and this sudden gulp of liberation will ensue. our heads will dance with homely ecstasies & from that moment onwards, we will be an effective pair of explorers, with our hearts as the sole functioning compass 

i really hope i get to experience this in the full-fledged glory of its idealistic form one day, soon enough  

i am too romanticised for my own good

thirteen days to consolidate half a year's worth of learning, let me fall in love with the idea of being a nerd (like a nerdfighter) please

murder of the will

"its snaky acids hiss
it petrifies the will. these are the isolate, slow faults
that kill, that kill, that kill"

(elm, sylvia plath)


tonight is the epitome of a night where i let my giants eat me without flailing nor battling an eyelid

i am too tired to struggle against this stranglehold & i promise it's just for tonight

but

one day this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, one day my fate will be of abysmal darkness- where i will be in the cavern of my giants' stomach pit, digested & ready only to be excreted

where the corporeal form i adopt is something of garbage that society has no need & use of

beauty in vulnerability

there is really so much beauty in vulnerability

there is so much beauty in Surrender

like a flower child standing in the midst of swaying daffodils, 

yielding to the wind, dancing to a song that only her soul is capable of deciphering 

she is not only unafraid of where the wind will carry her, 

nor how this unrelenting draught of moving air will shape the movements of her limbs.

she is acquiescent & the joy arresting her heart cannot be assuaged 

she is a l i v e,

beating fervently, crimson blood in a ceaseless cycle beneath her veins 

// 

service & worship were really blessed in all ways possible 

found out how much i missed basking in His presence,

how i missed feeling the insatiable paling in the glory of the Satisfiable  

thankful that the holidays are here when school was getting unbearable,

& i am not only determined to use the holidays to catch up on work, 

but to pursue happy things that i've been deprived of