do not waver

i think i'm past the stage of "safety" & this scares me

i need to stop putting myself in such a vulnerable position

because if this keeps up one day i'll wake up & realise that my heart has exploded like confetti

help, is there any way to lock this pulsating muscle away in a casket- it has a mind of its own

jesus please be the only one who has lordship over my heart- You and no one else

surrender

fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear Christ fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear

above all help me to say in my heart that Your will be done 

who do i say You are? 

i say You are my Saviour, my Strength, my Provider, my Guide & my Peace- 

& that is enough to drown a sea of doubt, fear & butterflies in my stomach 

where You take me i will follow 

i surrender 

// today was a relatively good day // 

a list of things

a list of things on my mind right now:

1) you relent to impulses too easy (it's 12:17 & no prizes for guessing who has given in to penning down her thoughts instead of catching up on sleep- so hard to decide which is the better friend)

2) note to self: stop falling in love with ideas before you get crushed- warped like the mangled, carnal carcass of a twisted owl

3) again: please stop falling in love with ideas and things that are not yours & will never be

4) i know this is wrong & i should not even be thinking about this but let's be friends?

5) i must be going mad this is so unlike me

6) lord please guard my heart, please

7) Your will above all

8) lord i don't want You to be another idea that i will fall in love with- i want to fall in love with You- Your core, Your soul, Your grace, everything that is so real, it is like flesh

9) short library exploring with chloe made my day- so many books i want to read, but so many constraints: they have waited to be discovered until their pages are jaundiced & brittle with isolation

10) finally meeting with one in a mil tomorrow

11) it is so hard to do something right because we are all so vested & blinded by our self-interests-i don't blame anyone for it, but i still want to make a difference (it is so hard to be reckless) (sigh)

12) perhaps the reason why we dislike a certain group of people is because they remind us of a carnal portion of ourselves that not only repulses us, but forces us to obliterate every trace of it in the name of self-defense

13) i never carry out any grand schemes that i cook up in my head because they always lose their novelty & i am too lazy to remember them


14) denise, how are you going to wake up tomorrow?

15) i cannot decide if this is a passively i.e "you" or actively addressed & acknowledged i.e "i" list to myself so i am going to leave it as it is, goodnight

black hole

times like these i wish we could live in a society devoid of "society"- not a classless, marxist society, but a society made up of just people, people who are all ignorant of the concept of pride, people who are nourished with the herb of kindness & goodness

& i cannot fathom how certain people are bold enough to bully the benign- i do not understand how they can live without any semblance of a moral compass (emphasis is on "semblance" because i understand that i am far from perfect too)

this is exhausting to keep up

i wish I could efface into the walls & stay invisible for a while

i wish I could be faceless (metaphorically)- that people will just stop associating one's face with one's place in society, with one's competency & all the rigid, suffocating structures that the word "society" encompasses

this makes me sad
collectively, everything makes me so sad

"the things we love gives us our names"

(disclaimer: my memory is nebulous but hopefully i captured the gist of the conversation this afternoon-the quotation marks serve only to mark the start & end of the dialogue exchange) 

"who is your favourite author?"

a.p: "this is a hard question, i do not have any favourite authors but i have a few...*lists his favourite ones (but i was too tired & could only capture "murakami"). honestly, my favourite author is me, because i am the voice that is lacking in the world, i mean why would you write about something that is already existent..it's only because my thoughts are not found in any of my favourite authors' that i have to pen them down, but like i mentioned earlier you have to have a balanced diet"

"so, who is your rice?" 

a.p: "honestly, well it's still me. it's true, because you have to be your own rice" 

//

i survived a crazy day today 

even though i was drowsy from lethargy & flailing against sleep's hold during the workshop today, i think the time was so well spent. i think i felt adrenaline course through my veins whenever he talked with so much animation & passion about the causes which he espouses--passion emanating with an incandescent glow from one's inner being is extremely enchanting in my opinion 

'the last time i'd seen Passion, he had fine features , deep-set eyes, and a certain rough charm which drew some people to him, but put others off. he loved strong colours-- night black, angel white, bleeding red, thunderstorm blue. if you come across him, please ask him to drop by. let him know we miss him--his smile, his playful seriousness , the way he would take you by the hand and show you what you've always wanted to see' -pg 21 "what gives us our names" a.p 

i'm glad that i didn't let feelings of inadequacy anchor me down. being in a class surrounded by brilliant minds, people who knew the right questions to ask & the right words to use to defend their arguments, people who were just so well-versed in every single aspect. i am not smart, but not being proficient at something should not negate me of the right to be interested & enthralled by that thing. i am poor at it, but who is anyone to deny me of the opportunity for growth (however minimal) through condescension?

i shall not be afraid, i shall not be ashamed

maybe i am my own giant, i am too afraid of what brilliant people will think of my token of effort 

"i once asked Courage what he was afraid of. he joked that he lived every day in fear that it would be his last. and then as i turned to go, he whispered to me what he truly feared above all else: that things would remain only as they are" -pg 38

(thank you joy for the lovely book: i would have otherwise merely drifted through the two hours if i didn't know the sheer brilliance of a.p & his ability to string words into meaning that hits close to home) 

(cdance teacher commented that i looked really happy during dance today, perhaps i should really smile more: i think my heart's finally in the right place)  

soul-sealed

this aching sadness, so ineffable
why can't anyone understand
i will not be anyone,
and i will not be who i am not
is this a lantern-show and we
the dolls on display?
dolls with souls hidden away in pyxes,
dolls caked with makeup so thick it suffocates.
this disparagement-it becomes a drollery.
i will not accept it

warped

chanced upon this poem yesterday while leafing through an old poetry book from lit class:

"the oldman in the cripple chair
died in transit through the air
and slopped into the road

the driver of the lethallorry
trembled out and cried: 'i'm sorry,
but it was his own fault.'

humans snuggled round the mess
in masochistic tenderness
as raindrops danced in his womb.

****

but something else obsessed my brain,
the canvas, twistedsteel and cane,
his chair, spreadeagled in the rain,
like a fallen birdman"

-roger mcgough

i don't know why i am posting this, but when i read this i felt something was tugged from my heart:
we are all like (as plath will call it) "the peanut-crunching crowd"
morbid things evoke this conflation of fear & fascination that compels us to "snuggle(d)" round--
we are able to get comfortable with the mess only because the skins of our teeth are unblemished & unharmed