drawing parallels & seeking

i think i am getting increasingly enthralled by my lit book even though it may come off as dry & unpalatable

crude epiphanies that are askew but real- relentless cold buckets of iced water slapping one's face awake

scales ripped from one's eyes when one realises that what had been deemed as obsolete- a closed-minded society regulated by societal conventions, a society where judgement was so prevalent and executed mercilessly when one failed to conform to what was "normal"- is still existent, right before one's eyes

what had "come to pass" has obstinately chose to stay, faded into the background & taken on the role of an invisible hand- buried under the choice to believe every single trace has been eradicated - that we are liberated

one particular dialogue in the novel struck a chord in me: 

"does no one want to hear the truth here, mr archer? the real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!" (ellen olenska, AOI)

it is so easy to scorn the animated antics of the characters in the book until you realise you are actually no better than them- carnal, fallible, governed by worldly thoughts 

i used to dismiss archer as overly romanticised- too romanticised for his own good, old new york as extremely hypocritical & sickening: before i drew parallels between archer & myself & the anatomy of the society then and society now 

(i really need to stop drowning in my own romanticised ideals- there is something so alluring with dwelling in things that will never come to fruition, because of the warped kind of safety unreality brings) 

i also realised that as humans, we inevitably become a hypocrite in one way or another, even if it's for just a fleeting moment- there is no running away, even if those thoughts have never escaped one's lips

(who are we then, to condemn those who are more blatantly...hypocritical than us?)

this makes me realise how lacking i am, and how much i need Your purity in my life. let me not stray from Your Rock, and let me seek You first in everything that i do. i do not want to be like a pharisee, doing works to gain man's recognition and praise. please, never let me use You as a means to any end, but be an end in Yourself

i need to be a better human- more of You and less of me, because the best of me can never compare to the least of You