"vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. it is the voice of emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves" (pg 58)
vertigo: "an insuperable longing to fall"
vs
"You are my lamp, o lord; the lord turns my darkness into light"
2 samuel 22:29
sermon made me extremely sad today when it struck me that contrary to what i have been feeding myself, maybe i have not even experienced my first love with jesus
it made my soul retract into the bottomless cavern in my heart when i contemplated a plausible response to martyr death (the question that had been occupying a compartment of my brain entitled "i choose not to answer" ever since i read "everything is illuminated" by j.s.f, and resurfaced again today): i still chose not to answer, because i was afraid to admit (if faced with such extremes), that i would choose to live at the expense of my soul
it made my heart sink because all this while, "soul" has been an esteemed leader, but i realised i would rather betray "soul" for body, spiritual death for the shell of life
throughout the service the word "cowardice" kept sneering at me, and it was only today i realised how afraid i am of putting myself in a truly vulnerable position; like an exposed snail without a shell. it disappointed me, me who was genuinely captivated by the beauty of vulnerability
all these conceptions are mere ideas
bring me to a place of first Love lord:
what i want is not answers to all these questions that only serve to test my faith
what i truly want is an encounter that will bring me to a place of illumination, a place of unmitigated,divine Love
i don't want to live in a world of ideas anymore: they are nothing but shams
(mountains high or valley low, i'll sing out & remind my soul: "i am Yours, i am forever Yours")
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