reticence

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what made me feel incandescently happy & invincible throughout the night 

1.the fault in our stars (troye sivan) 

2. soldier on (the temper trap)

3. box of stones (benjamin francis leftwich)

4. calender girl (stars)

5. this place is a shelter (olafur arnalds) 

6. falling in love at a coffee shop (landon pigg)

7. 3 rounds & a sound (blind pilot) 

8. holly home rd (brolly)

9. vultures (folly & the hunter) 

10. rabbit heart (florence & the machine)

11. there is a light that never goes out (the smiths)

12. stop this train (john mayer) 

13. belong (cary brothers) 

14. the suite (downton abbey)

15. what it is (kodaline)

16. a pound of flesh (radical face)

17. medicine (daughter) 

18. dead hearts (stars) 

19. what the water gave me (florence & the machine) 

20. hold still (sleeping at last) 

beginning of an end

i don't know how to put this into words because even though words are beautiful, reticence can supersede in the absence of words

for once this really feels highly personal & i am not going to dwelve into the specifics because i don't think i've felt this way before in a long time: when everything is so apt and the heart feels so much conviction of the Savior's love, but at the same time, the soul feels so stoic and the magnitude of the revelation is not being translated into the orthodox intangible, ineffable wave of emotions 

to sum it up, i got prayed for by a leader i'd never seen before after answering the call (which even though i was afraid, i felt so compelled to answer), & he prayed over three aspects of my life that i'd been struggling with for the past few weeks 

& even though my soul still feels stagnated, i know that something has been stirred, and this is just the start to the end of struggling,

because "it is finished". 

late night decision

i will not, not because i can't, but because "anomalousness" is priced far above anything else, & i have decided that i will not compromise my stature as "denise" to gratify my ideals- i will not risk cheapening myself, i will not reduce my worth to be merely a name on a list. i do not want to become merely "another" person, as if i am a repetition of someone else.

i am neither needy nor desperate, and something in me feels compelled to shout that to the world, to ears merely closed off to what they wish to hear. i am merely a victim of ideas. even now, part of me screams that i am over-thinking and over-reacting, that it is nice to be vulnerable in such a way, that to be vulnerable is to be beautiful. but no, not in this way, not when you strip the only protective layer of "fun" to discover that what's left is merely to be classified, like a common specimen that cannot stand alone but must belong to a bigger group. 

no, i want people to remember me as the girl who is always different. i want people to be able to say, "oh, that denise? well she's not like the rest". i want the boy from the future who is going to form my future to be able to love these parts of me without trying, and i am determined not to settle for anything less. 

the heart and brain being two different organs are difficult to reconcile, but i hope they will do so soon.