late night decision

i will not, not because i can't, but because "anomalousness" is priced far above anything else, & i have decided that i will not compromise my stature as "denise" to gratify my ideals- i will not risk cheapening myself, i will not reduce my worth to be merely a name on a list. i do not want to become merely "another" person, as if i am a repetition of someone else.

i am neither needy nor desperate, and something in me feels compelled to shout that to the world, to ears merely closed off to what they wish to hear. i am merely a victim of ideas. even now, part of me screams that i am over-thinking and over-reacting, that it is nice to be vulnerable in such a way, that to be vulnerable is to be beautiful. but no, not in this way, not when you strip the only protective layer of "fun" to discover that what's left is merely to be classified, like a common specimen that cannot stand alone but must belong to a bigger group. 

no, i want people to remember me as the girl who is always different. i want people to be able to say, "oh, that denise? well she's not like the rest". i want the boy from the future who is going to form my future to be able to love these parts of me without trying, and i am determined not to settle for anything less. 

the heart and brain being two different organs are difficult to reconcile, but i hope they will do so soon.