pretentiousness

was just contemplating about life in general in the shower:

replayed in the recesses of my head things & topics of conversations over the past few days, & one word that stood out like a sore thumb was "pretentiousness"

the notion of "pretentiousness" has been a frequent friend in "didactic" conversations; often we've heard and even participated in boxing up a particular person in that category on the pretext of something she/he has done - the irony being we become part of the monster we condemn that person to be

but beyond that level of pretentiousness comes the question of self-identity

today i've been hit hard by that epiphany that i actually do not really know who i am, or what i like  

by reevaluating the choices that i've made, the preferences that i have accustomed myself to liking, it suddenly hit me like an impudent wave that the continuous creation of self is shaped by influences that are not borne out of one's own psyche, and that we build our identity - that is, our preferences that shape who we are, on striving to be someone else that fits our ideals

do i like reading because it's visceral, because it's innate? or do i like reading because i aspire to be an ideal, because i aspire to one day be able to write a tiny fraction of what plath was capable of doing (for example)

is my increasing passion for the local music scene borne out of my inherent inclination towards local products, or because 1. my scope of influences have shaped me thus 2. support for the local music scene is unconventional and i aspire to be unconventional

we've (or for fear of oversimplification - i've) built the fundamentals of the components of "me" on the ideals, on the backbones of others

so who am i?
who are you? at the core?

it frightens me because i really don't know who i'll be without my environment
that makes me pretentious, doesn't it? i am constantly pretending to be someone else higher/cooler/smarter etc that i become that fusion of strivings

strip me to the core & i am actually nobody in a vacuous, physical body titled "denise"
& that scares the hell out of me

(also ricocheting between disgust for consumerism & the need to look & feel attractive, which is quite a terrible place to be at)

i really can't do this on my own

lord, save me before these giants swallow me whole - before this boulder titled "lacking" crushes my psyche & leaves me apathetic 

strangely liberating

tonight is a charlie lim kind of night (thanks bunny j) and also a rare night where i feel like i can be invincible again

as this weekend draws to a close it has been (in retrospect) a profligate weekend characterised by an all-time low productivity level, even as cts inch closer with every wasteful second 

 but it has simultaneously been one of the most liberating weekends since 2k14 

three things happened this weekend that made my heart sing 

1. getting one step closer to internalising what god's munificent grace means

felt so languid from falling/ failing prior to service. i had forgotten- or rather chose not to remind myself, out of pride - that i am accepted solely on the basis of who christ is- not what i have done/will do. on the walk to church, i just kept telling god that i really needed to hear him speak into my life, that i needed him to straighten the crooked parts of my life like the pair of retainers i put on every night. during worship, i was swimming in my own mire of inadequacies (no, drowning was the word), wrestling between going & hiding from the face of god. i was so deficient in grace but it was then that sherman said he sensed a group of people in dire need of grace & opened the altar for a reconciliation with that satiable grace. instinctively, my heart started hammering & it was then i knew that god had pounded on my heart - all i had to do was to open that door. answering that call brought a flood of peace, restoration and most of all freedom. the veil that had separated me from Love had once again been torn, ripped from bottom up. 

forever he is glorified, forever he is lifted high, forever he is risen 

he is alive    

2. dance ministry

it was a spontaneous decision yet my heart could not stop singing after i had completed and submitted the form

felt strangely liberated even though i was/am (in a sense) tying myself down to another "baggage" of commitment, in all honesty i am still intimidated by commitment but it has never been about me and how can i offer something up that costs me nothing? 

3. goal - dream 

thur's uk schools mini-fair left me feeling vacuous when it hit me that i didn't know what i wanted to do with life. the lack of a goal i.e. lightness condemned me to the status of a drifter- people had dreams to work towards but i didn't even have a dream- what did that make me? 

tonight i finally have a dream that is (relatively) realistic and idealistic all at the same time (thanks mum for working hard to figure out possible routes on my behalf) - i finally have ideas that can anchor me 

it may be an oxymoron but (finally) having a goal to work towards has unshackled me from clipped wings 

i!! finally!! think!! i!! know!! what!! i!! want!! to!! do!! with!! life!! 

(one more week to get my act together- don't really know how to go about doing it but my god is an omnipotent & omnipresent god)  

in one year's time

today i felt a fraction of what i hope i'll feel in exactly another three hundred & sixty five days: that surge of benign adrenaline coursing through my veins, that inexplicable joy bursting forth & erupting in bubbles, that preeminent invincibility at having finally accomplished something up to personal standards.

yet i know it wasn't me. He did it, His faithfulness came true, more than a year late, but nonetheless it still came true. i can finally get over the shadow of 10.1.13 that has plagued me over the past year, i can finally vindicate myself from its accusation that i am an unequivocal lack.

dug out my journal entry from 10.1.13, here are fragments of my brokenness:

"let me know You are journeying this with me every step in the way"
"this too, shall pass"
"lord, can You be strong for me?"
"there's so much sadness trapped in my system & it's inexhaustible i cannot even cry it out"

i remember how amidst the joyous faces, mine was tear-stricken, i remember wrestling with myself & god, i remember feeling like my insides had collapsed & given way to a cavern

now
i need to remember how good it felt & replicate it in its full-fledged glory this time, next year;
i want to be able to say that i have absolutely no regrets;
i want the only kind of tears to be those borne out of visceral joy

witnessed a myriad of facial expressions that sent my palpitating heart on a roller coaster ride: stoic faces, teary faces, beaming faces

i am not ready for the year ahead
but faithfulness cannot disown Himself

isaiah 55:8-9