as this weekend draws to a close it has been (in retrospect) a profligate weekend characterised by an all-time low productivity level, even as cts inch closer with every wasteful second
but it has simultaneously been one of the most liberating weekends since 2k14
three things happened this weekend that made my heart sing
1. getting one step closer to internalising what god's munificent grace means
felt so languid from falling/ failing prior to service. i had forgotten- or rather chose not to remind myself, out of pride - that i am accepted solely on the basis of who christ is- not what i have done/will do. on the walk to church, i just kept telling god that i really needed to hear him speak into my life, that i needed him to straighten the crooked parts of my life like the pair of retainers i put on every night. during worship, i was swimming in my own mire of inadequacies (no, drowning was the word), wrestling between going & hiding from the face of god. i was so deficient in grace but it was then that sherman said he sensed a group of people in dire need of grace & opened the altar for a reconciliation with that satiable grace. instinctively, my heart started hammering & it was then i knew that god had pounded on my heart - all i had to do was to open that door. answering that call brought a flood of peace, restoration and most of all freedom. the veil that had separated me from Love had once again been torn, ripped from bottom up.
forever he is glorified, forever he is lifted high, forever he is risen
he is alive
2. dance ministry
it was a spontaneous decision yet my heart could not stop singing after i had completed and submitted the form
felt strangely liberated even though i was/am (in a sense) tying myself down to another "baggage" of commitment, in all honesty i am still intimidated by commitment but it has never been about me and how can i offer something up that costs me nothing?
3. goal - dream
thur's uk schools mini-fair left me feeling vacuous when it hit me that i didn't know what i wanted to do with life. the lack of a goal i.e. lightness condemned me to the status of a drifter- people had dreams to work towards but i didn't even have a dream- what did that make me?
tonight i finally have a dream that is (relatively) realistic and idealistic all at the same time (thanks mum for working hard to figure out possible routes on my behalf) - i finally have ideas that can anchor me
it may be an oxymoron but (finally) having a goal to work towards has unshackled me from clipped wings
i!! finally!! think!! i!! know!! what!! i!! want!! to!! do!! with!! life!!
(one more week to get my act together- don't really know how to go about doing it but my god is an omnipotent & omnipresent god)
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