today i felt a fraction of what i hope i'll feel in exactly another three hundred & sixty five days: that surge of benign adrenaline coursing through my veins, that inexplicable joy bursting forth & erupting in bubbles, that preeminent invincibility at having finally accomplished something up to personal standards.
yet i know it wasn't me. He did it, His faithfulness came true, more than a year late, but nonetheless it still came true. i can finally get over the shadow of 10.1.13 that has plagued me over the past year, i can finally vindicate myself from its accusation that i am an unequivocal lack.
dug out my journal entry from 10.1.13, here are fragments of my brokenness:
"let me know You are journeying this with me every step in the way"
"this too, shall pass"
"lord, can You be strong for me?"
"there's so much sadness trapped in my system & it's inexhaustible i cannot even cry it out"
i remember how amidst the joyous faces, mine was tear-stricken, i remember wrestling with myself & god, i remember feeling like my insides had collapsed & given way to a cavern
now
i need to remember how good it felt & replicate it in its full-fledged glory this time, next year;
i want to be able to say that i have absolutely no regrets;
i want the only kind of tears to be those borne out of visceral joy
witnessed a myriad of facial expressions that sent my palpitating heart on a roller coaster ride: stoic faces, teary faces, beaming faces
i am not ready for the year ahead
but faithfulness cannot disown Himself
isaiah 55:8-9
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