home

i didn't understand yesterday, but today i do.

felt like a mangled mess of emotions yesterday standing amid a crowd that seemed so happy & released. emotions are a queer thing. sometimes they come like an impudent wave- sudden & insuperable. they hold you hostage without you comprehending how they came about or why they came, but all that you can comprehend is the feeling of entrapment - that feeling that makes you feel incredibly small & alone.

but today i understand why.

i was wrong.
home is not "in my own psyche / in my own skin". 
i felt so torn yesterday precisely because i had asserted the notion of individuality & imposed it upon myself, time & again - hoping that somehow that would make me strong, as if the cycle of re-enacting the notion of "me" would make me merely "me" again.
i asserted & lost it, tried to find it again & lost it, again.
i felt like i had lost what i had hitherto constructed for myself, & as a result i lost myself amid the cycle of internal hide & seek.

i used this to counter my propensity for idealism, but what i had failed to realise was that this weapon is also made of the same blood as my enmity- that they are all one & the same, that they are all shams built upon the foundation of more shams

home is not "in my own psyche / in my own skin".
home is in Your own psyche, in Your own skin.

home is being clothed with everything that is of You:
home is Your sufficiency;
home is trusting without comprehension despite the myriad of emotions that threatens to collapse my insides

home is trusting that You are invincible,
not me.