"the world is unfinished"

i am so prolific with happiness that i feel like i can implode - & should i burst like confetti (hypothetically) out of this rare overflow (& in doing so, self-destruct), i feel like for once, my soul will not despair at the remnants of what is left of me, but will rejoice at the convivial scatter of colourful streamers that serve to commemorate a happy death.

alvin pang's short workshop today (held in sch) was so incredibly inspirational - maybe because Passion was an esteemed guest & its aura had diffused into the valves of my heart. i really enjoyed seeing passion & invincibility exude from his personality & outlook not only on literature - but on life in general i.e. to make a future for yourself rather than wait for it passively, as if opportunities fell from the sky - like shells in a war. i don't even know him personally (unless today's short chat counts) but i really felt a sense of ineffable camaraderie, i really did (or maybe bc i was just excessively happy). 

i think that if he retains an arcane impression of me (in the long run, which i highly doubt but-), it will be a vague memory of a sheepish girl handing him his book to be autographed twice. it was incredibly embarrassing but i am so glad that i had managed to pull a counterfeit, thicker skin over my reddening face & get the task done. as i watched him sign on another page of the same book (that i had previously asked him for an autograph a yr+ ago), i felt so inexplicably consumed by happiness - i was so full, so satiated, i really thought that i could have choked on breathing in happiness. (happiness comes in many different shades but this is by far my favourite kind of happiness) 

stayed back w jj & a new friend to chat for awhile with him (which was honestly pretty daunting bc he is so smart!!!!) but what made my heart sing inwardly was how seriously he took all of us - our perspectives & our ambitions. idk, maybe he is just the kind of person who can make you feel important merely by looking at you seriously in the eye & addressing your question(s), your hopes & your ambition(s). i feel more heartened about something that i have been considering for quite awhile, & today just cemented it further when he told me that if i ever joined the trade, i can "come and look for me(him)". 

this episode today effectively made my day whole - i could not stop smiling, no, beaming the moment i set foot out of the classroom. it was happiness that refused to be contained (& had no reason to be). i think perhaps people thought i was mad but i really didn't (& still don't care) what they thought bc such days are scarce & i need to live them to the fullest. 

i need to remember how i had reserved unveiling the signed book in a quiet place (with as little human interaction as possible). i felt like a child awake & bouncing in jubilee on christmas morning, eager in anticipation to unwrap a promising present.  i could not wait until home so i had carefully retrieved a.p's book from my beaten & worn out kino plastic bag (with the blue coating frayed at the edges) at the back of a relatively empty bus with charlie lim's "there is no love" in my ears. (it just felt perfect to saturate myself in everything which was what i had perceived - & still do, as perfectly sgporean). i need to remember how i had tenderly flipped through the beginning pages & felt my heart collapse in utter bliss when my eyes glossed over what he had written - albeit short & spontaneous. he wrote:

For Denise, again 

"We resort to words

the comfort of them

testing the silence

for echoes" 

i need to remember how i had run them over my tongue an innumerable amount of times until their weight had completely osmosed into my soul, & how my heart died & went to literary heaven.

p.s: also, today it struck me that "happiness" is my favourite word for describing happiness - the emotion. there may be many synonyms that may come off as more sophisticated than this seemingly incompetent adjective, but it is precisely bc of the simplicity of this word that makes it beautiful & thus fully encompasses its true meaning - afterall, happiness is often at its peak when it is unadulterated.