waves of Love, come dispel these waves of fear

And Peter answered Him & said, 

"Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."

So He said, "Come," And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.

But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; & beginning to sink he cried out, saying 

"Lord, save me!" 

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand & caught him, & said to him, 

"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" 

(Matthew 14:28-31)

loneliness in its full-fledged glory

had this fleeting thought before one of the (many) papers this week & promised myself that i will voice it out properly after the dreaded prelims are done so here i am:

i think the exam hall epitomises the concept of loneliness. i remember thinking to myself everytime i entered the ish for another paper (another battle) that i have become so accustomed to the coldness of the hall, the coldness of human interactions borne out of examination propriety, the coldness of my own heart when i feel so alone in my struggles (my fear of failures, fear of forgetting two years worth of important concepts etc). (yet i know that i am not alone in these sentiments, but we are unable to band together & seek solace in each other bc we are trapped within the high walls of the hall- underneath the hawk-eyed gazes of our invigilators, & even within the cages of our own hearts that are paralysed by the dull heaviness of fear)   

how lonely we all are when the clock momentarily but suddenly becomes the most consequential thing in the world, how lonely we all are when we are all fighting our battles alone (mortally bc i still believe in Christ & his promises) & pitting ourselves against time & knowledge - man vs paper, man vs time, man vs fear, man vs defeat.

how lonely we all are when the feeling of defeat creeps into our chests bc we know that we can't save ourselves (at least for that particular paper in question) & we consequently feel like screaming & running away - but we stay rooted to our chairs, forced to push on bc of the exam regulations that we have been ingrained to adhere to.  

this form of loneliness is (in my opinion) the most acute bc we are rendered completely helpless - we want to run away from the source but we are instead haplessly entrapped in the present both physically & psychologically, without rest. 

11:12 p.m & it has suddenly started pouring - i think the rain understands & agrees with me too

one life, ten books

got tagged by jj on fb to make a list of ten books that have "stayed with me in some way" or another. i was originally planning to fend off the urge to spend my precious time on  "frivolous" (in this context where prelims begin again in three days & i am kind of in a panic again) things like these but i realised that hey, getting to talk about books that have affected me is not inconsequential at all just bc they mean something to me- or perhaps even form part of my psyche (importance is relative haha), & also bc i am perhaps one of the most capricious people when it comes to things that interest me, so here it goes: (ps. they are not supposed to be ranked)

1. pride & prejudice (jane austen) 

(this classic will forever have a special place in my heart bc it epitomises the best memories i ever had of 2k12, & perhaps even the hallmark of my friendship with bunny j - i can still remember how while wiping plates at one of the most terrible places ever, we passed time by memorising elizabeth bennet's witty retorts to fitzwilliam darcy - "from the very beginning, from the first moment i may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, & your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike." [that is purely from memory, & i only got a few connecting words wrong - which is just telling of how this book has stuck with me even though it has been almost two years]) 

2. age of innocence (edith wharton) 

(i haven't really studied this for my upcoming lit paper on monday, which makes me extremely uncomfortable opps [bc hist is being an absolute asbjadndd] but the point is that sometimes, newland archer becomes more than a character but takes on the form an embodiment - his struggles become mine & they start to fade into each other & take on the same faces. & have i shared with anyone that it secretly pleases me when people cannot understand newland & even dismiss him as having "stupid thoughts", or negate him as merely a "confused man" bc that is exactly what he is, he is confused & his actions are probably stupid & unpragmatic in the eyes of the world -they must be thinking, why not, why not gratify-but what he does is probably going to be the same course of action i will take, if i had been in his shoes.) 

3. the bell jar (sylvia plath) 

(honestly, when i read this last year, it was completely beyond me & i felt like i was not even grasping a fraction of plath's emotional breakdown at all - but for those parts that i think i did, i think i could sympathise - & perhaps in my most feverish moments, even empathise with, albeit to a certain extent) 

4. the unbearable lightness of being (milan kundera) 

(this book made me understand myself alittle better, it made me feel more human - more fallible, more vulnerable, more easily susceptible to temptations, & in doing so, made me alittle sad - but it made me understand something that had hitherto always puzzled me for awhile i.e. vertigo (the fear of falling), & how vertigo can actually still be paradoxically alluring in certain seasons of my life) 

5. lady windermere's fan (oscar wilde) 

(i am honestly not a huge fan of this play, but i still chose it bc lady windermere's phrase has stuck with me ever since my eyes have glossed over it i.e. "we all have ideals in life. at least we all should have...if i lost my ideals, i should lose everything.") 

6. mrs warren's profession (george bernard shaw) 

(again, this play is definitely not a personal favourite at all bc none of the characters are actually likable - & perhaps shaw even meant it to be that way bc they mirror the real world so well, with all its failings- but to a certain extent, i can identify with vivie warren, especially when she attempts to assert her individuality as a "new woman" on a continuous basis.) 

7. housekeeping (marilynne robinson) 

(this book was so alarmingly acute in distilling feelings of loneliness that i would & still sometimes feel on certain melancholic nights, & i really love how it gives voice to the feelings that i could never have expressed in my own words. also, i really like how this is one of the rare books that does not include a male character, or express a need for one. i am not condemning pride & prejudice or any other classics that paint the main male lead as prince charming, but it was nice reading a book that is solely about the self & nothing else.) 

8. brave new world (aldous huxley) 

(when i read this in december last year, i felt rather perturbed imagining a dystopian world where the individual is fully stripped of his right to choose-  & in doing so it reminded me then that it is still a blessing to be able to choose, even when faced with unfavorable choices.) 

9. extremely loud & incredibly close (jonathan safran foer) 

(i really liked this book bc for once, i read a book that placed me right smack in the middle of oscar's thought process - it felt nice being in someone's head for awhile, & vicariously experiencing what it feels like to think aloud also helped me to achieve greater clarity in my own thought processes too. also, the movie made me cry buckets like i have never ever done before, so i guess it definitely fits into the criteria of "affected" & "stayed with me".) 

10. what gives us our names (alvin pang) 

(//MENTALLY SLAPPING MYSELF for nearly forgetting to include this in my top ten list, how could i forget dear alvin pang// for reasons most apparent [if you have been following through my recent blogposts], you will know why :-) for those who are clueless, basically when he came to my school for a lit workshop & signed on my copy of his book - twice- [twice bc i went for the same workshop in 2k13] i literally could not stop smiling the entire freaking day bc interacting with him just made me feel like i had flowers blooming out of my heart. but coming back, yes, i really liked this book bc it very wittily personifies every single value (or human-related attribute) i.e. kindness, generosity, community etc & gives them life to the point that i actually really wanted to meet them in person when i read it.) 

time count: i took one hour & seventeen minutes to do this list & my rational self is screaming at me for being such a poor timekeeper bc the india-pakistan conflict awaits to be diffused into my brain 

but i do not regret (i think) bc i really enjoy(ed) talking about things that matter to me

p.s i didn't want to put this up on such an impersonal & public platform like fb bc this feels almost like a piece of me, so if you are reading this on my blog bc you actually want to know more about me, thank you for that kind person 

expend

today while making my own decolonisation notes for paper II history, i came across this phrase i.e. "indonesia's republican army expended dutch resources" & i think i can finally empathise with the dutch bc something in me keeps whispering "expend, expend, expend" & with every whispered breath i feel like i have punctured a hole in my being -  that it will only be a mere couple of minutes more before someone finds me deflated & melted into a puddle of lassitude (if it had a corporeal form), mangled & spread thin.

(perhaps it is 1.19a.m in the morning & my brain is all over the place again)

(i promised myself that in this season, i will only focus on getting my studies right - but it is in spare pockets of time during late nights like these that my malfunctioning brain keeps going back to the angel who defeats the grave, "smooths our hair, and brings us wild strawberries". it is in times like these that newland archer becomes more than a character & takes the form of an embodiment - in times like these i think i can feel the dull ache that he feels from missing "the flower of life", except that i know it is only the nostalgia that i do miss)