expend

today while making my own decolonisation notes for paper II history, i came across this phrase i.e. "indonesia's republican army expended dutch resources" & i think i can finally empathise with the dutch bc something in me keeps whispering "expend, expend, expend" & with every whispered breath i feel like i have punctured a hole in my being -  that it will only be a mere couple of minutes more before someone finds me deflated & melted into a puddle of lassitude (if it had a corporeal form), mangled & spread thin.

(perhaps it is 1.19a.m in the morning & my brain is all over the place again)

(i promised myself that in this season, i will only focus on getting my studies right - but it is in spare pockets of time during late nights like these that my malfunctioning brain keeps going back to the angel who defeats the grave, "smooths our hair, and brings us wild strawberries". it is in times like these that newland archer becomes more than a character & takes the form of an embodiment - in times like these i think i can feel the dull ache that he feels from missing "the flower of life", except that i know it is only the nostalgia that i do miss)