i think the exam hall epitomises the concept of loneliness. i remember thinking to myself everytime i entered the ish for another paper (another battle) that i have become so accustomed to the coldness of the hall, the coldness of human interactions borne out of examination propriety, the coldness of my own heart when i feel so alone in my struggles (my fear of failures, fear of forgetting two years worth of important concepts etc). (yet i know that i am not alone in these sentiments, but we are unable to band together & seek solace in each other bc we are trapped within the high walls of the hall- underneath the hawk-eyed gazes of our invigilators, & even within the cages of our own hearts that are paralysed by the dull heaviness of fear)
how lonely we all are when the clock momentarily but suddenly becomes the most consequential thing in the world, how lonely we all are when we are all fighting our battles alone (mortally bc i still believe in Christ & his promises) & pitting ourselves against time & knowledge - man vs paper, man vs time, man vs fear, man vs defeat.
how lonely we all are when the feeling of defeat creeps into our chests bc we know that we can't save ourselves (at least for that particular paper in question) & we consequently feel like screaming & running away - but we stay rooted to our chairs, forced to push on bc of the exam regulations that we have been ingrained to adhere to.
this form of loneliness is (in my opinion) the most acute bc we are rendered completely helpless - we want to run away from the source but we are instead haplessly entrapped in the present both physically & psychologically, without rest.
11:12 p.m & it has suddenly started pouring - i think the rain understands & agrees with me too
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