my own bell curve

"in long-distance running, the only person you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be." 

(haruki murakami)

farewell // full circle

i think if i have to sum up today in a word it will be "surreal".

i am feeling strangely phlegmatic - except for this slightly disconcerting tugging at my heart that is a friend of the sentiment called "sense of loss". (perhaps less acute bc school is not done with us & vice versa) 

no, i think i am proud to say that i have no regrets - if i could have restarted jc life again i would have done it in exactly the same way (maybe with the exception of working harder from the very start) 

it felt almost chimerical when i plugged in my florence & the machine's playlist on my ipod in my solitary walk to the parade square for the last assembly ever as batch 2014. as "heartlines" engulfed my eardrums i felt goosebumps erupting from my arms bc that was exactly how i started jip - i remember my solitary adventures around the school - finding new favourite reading spots, away from the vociferous crowds of people making new friends & whose happiness was too loud. i remember how invincible & special this fatm playlist made me feel - how it reminded me that being an individual is not a thing to be frowned upon, but a gift that should be celebrated by that tenable, convicted feeling of self-worth (the feeling that whispers, "to have somebody is nice, but to have no one but yourself is nice too")

i've (almost) come full cycle & nothing much has changed (at least from the outside - besides having a brace-free face that has affected my way of smiling - hopefully in a good way haha). sometimes external stasis may not be a bad thing if it comes at the expense of smoothing internal fluctuations. 

even so, i really think that it's the nostalgia of rj that i will miss dearly. i have experienced so many things that have made me feel over the course of nearly two years, & the prospect of not being able to relieve these sensations in the exact same manner makes me extremely treacly. this place was (i say "was" bc alvls prep have stemmed my attempts at further self-exploration) a place where i tested the vivacity of my ideals & saved them before they collapsed (or perhaps even collected the broken pieces of them & glued them back together). this was a place where i discovered so many things about myself, wrote about them & embraced both the parts i could comprehend & the parts that had left me bewildered. this was a place so full of the good & bad - & i am a hapless victim of passions (i think i have mentioned before that i either feel nothing or feel too much) 

took a myriad of farewell photos today (including a group photo with the lovely hugeass class map !!finally!! hehe). i love taking photos (ok, i admit it's partly out of vanity esp since i'm a female but) mostly bc there are really no close substitutes to capturing a moment there & then. it comes as some consolation to me that even though we cannot replay favourite moments (even by a few seconds), we are able to snatch those few seconds of happiness (& all things lovely), stave them into the little pockets of our brains/phones/laptops & relieve them vicariously in moments of dearth. 

it is well with my soul

just emerged from a hullabaloo of mangled emotions (a few hours ago) that had pulled at me at all sides until i felt so stretched thin & spent - yes, tonight was one of those nights where my closet giants came to feast on my insides again. (such nights are rare but when they do, they come with a vengeance)

i don't really know how it started but i think it was a gradual build-up of that persistent nagging feeling that had/has been plaguing me recently- the dull ache in my insides that tyrannically whisper how time is no longer an ally & the need to try so much harder than i am doing now.

tonight marked the apex of this pent-up avalanche, triggered by my exasperation with people who care too much (that caring takes the undertone of oppressiveness on my (already) jittery psyche), with myself for being mean in response to them, for conforming true to their words, for just being so utterly weak-willed, for being unable to fathom the whirlwind of emotions bursting at the seams etc - i was so angry with myself for arcane reasons that i was not even sure of & i was so tired of holding up  this myriad of expectations (from self & others) that i just wanted to melt into my blanket & efface (i didn't care where, i just wanted to escape from my own skin)

my pride was too strong - i think i was angry at myself for my resolve to keep everything together when i knew i should have let go of this mangled mess & run to someone Stronger, but i couldn't. i wanted to be strong for myself, for once - to not be the weakling that i believed myself to be. i knew i was spiraling into a downward trajectory entitled "self-pity" & i hated myself so much for it, but i couldn't stop.

and then i broke. as i hugged my knees & cradled myself in the corner of my bedframe bc the tears would not stop falling, i felt so terribly alone - i was writing furiously in my journal "I AM TRYING, DAMN IT I AM TRYING" but i felt like i couldn't be heard - the words could do nothing but stay in ink on the page.

as i was wrestling with myself & choosing to hide from the face of God, the chorus & the bridge of bethel's "it is well" came up on my ipod:

"god save me i'm losing myself"

"through it all, through it all 

my eyes are on You

it is well with me"

"i can't do this, i can't deal with this mess alone"

"so let go, my soul & trust in Him

the waves & wind still know His name 

it is well with my soul 

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul" 

i think writing it out does not do justice at all but the words that fell were like balm that spread itself so munificently over every portion of my being. surrender is such a wonderful, cathartic thing - as the tears finally stemmed from their banks i felt so completely purged of the hitherto pent-up mess of potent emotions. 

"through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You

& it is well with me."