i am feeling strangely phlegmatic - except for this slightly disconcerting tugging at my heart that is a friend of the sentiment called "sense of loss". (perhaps less acute bc school is not done with us & vice versa)
no, i think i am proud to say that i have no regrets - if i could have restarted jc life again i would have done it in exactly the same way (maybe with the exception of working harder from the very start)
it felt almost chimerical when i plugged in my florence & the machine's playlist on my ipod in my solitary walk to the parade square for the last assembly ever as batch 2014. as "heartlines" engulfed my eardrums i felt goosebumps erupting from my arms bc that was exactly how i started jip - i remember my solitary adventures around the school - finding new favourite reading spots, away from the vociferous crowds of people making new friends & whose happiness was too loud. i remember how invincible & special this fatm playlist made me feel - how it reminded me that being an individual is not a thing to be frowned upon, but a gift that should be celebrated by that tenable, convicted feeling of self-worth (the feeling that whispers, "to have somebody is nice, but to have no one but yourself is nice too")
i've (almost) come full cycle & nothing much has changed (at least from the outside - besides having a brace-free face that has affected my way of smiling - hopefully in a good way haha). sometimes external stasis may not be a bad thing if it comes at the expense of smoothing internal fluctuations.
even so, i really think that it's the nostalgia of rj that i will miss dearly. i have experienced so many things that have made me feel over the course of nearly two years, & the prospect of not being able to relieve these sensations in the exact same manner makes me extremely treacly. this place was (i say "was" bc alvls prep have stemmed my attempts at further self-exploration) a place where i tested the vivacity of my ideals & saved them before they collapsed (or perhaps even collected the broken pieces of them & glued them back together). this was a place where i discovered so many things about myself, wrote about them & embraced both the parts i could comprehend & the parts that had left me bewildered. this was a place so full of the good & bad - & i am a hapless victim of passions (i think i have mentioned before that i either feel nothing or feel too much)
took a myriad of farewell photos today (including a group photo with the lovely hugeass class map !!finally!! hehe). i love taking photos (ok, i admit it's partly out of vanity esp since i'm a female but) mostly bc there are really no close substitutes to capturing a moment there & then. it comes as some consolation to me that even though we cannot replay favourite moments (even by a few seconds), we are able to snatch those few seconds of happiness (& all things lovely), stave them into the little pockets of our brains/phones/laptops & relieve them vicariously in moments of dearth.
No comments:
Post a Comment