it is well with my soul

just emerged from a hullabaloo of mangled emotions (a few hours ago) that had pulled at me at all sides until i felt so stretched thin & spent - yes, tonight was one of those nights where my closet giants came to feast on my insides again. (such nights are rare but when they do, they come with a vengeance)

i don't really know how it started but i think it was a gradual build-up of that persistent nagging feeling that had/has been plaguing me recently- the dull ache in my insides that tyrannically whisper how time is no longer an ally & the need to try so much harder than i am doing now.

tonight marked the apex of this pent-up avalanche, triggered by my exasperation with people who care too much (that caring takes the undertone of oppressiveness on my (already) jittery psyche), with myself for being mean in response to them, for conforming true to their words, for just being so utterly weak-willed, for being unable to fathom the whirlwind of emotions bursting at the seams etc - i was so angry with myself for arcane reasons that i was not even sure of & i was so tired of holding up  this myriad of expectations (from self & others) that i just wanted to melt into my blanket & efface (i didn't care where, i just wanted to escape from my own skin)

my pride was too strong - i think i was angry at myself for my resolve to keep everything together when i knew i should have let go of this mangled mess & run to someone Stronger, but i couldn't. i wanted to be strong for myself, for once - to not be the weakling that i believed myself to be. i knew i was spiraling into a downward trajectory entitled "self-pity" & i hated myself so much for it, but i couldn't stop.

and then i broke. as i hugged my knees & cradled myself in the corner of my bedframe bc the tears would not stop falling, i felt so terribly alone - i was writing furiously in my journal "I AM TRYING, DAMN IT I AM TRYING" but i felt like i couldn't be heard - the words could do nothing but stay in ink on the page.

as i was wrestling with myself & choosing to hide from the face of God, the chorus & the bridge of bethel's "it is well" came up on my ipod:

"god save me i'm losing myself"

"through it all, through it all 

my eyes are on You

it is well with me"

"i can't do this, i can't deal with this mess alone"

"so let go, my soul & trust in Him

the waves & wind still know His name 

it is well with my soul 

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul" 

i think writing it out does not do justice at all but the words that fell were like balm that spread itself so munificently over every portion of my being. surrender is such a wonderful, cathartic thing - as the tears finally stemmed from their banks i felt so completely purged of the hitherto pent-up mess of potent emotions. 

"through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You

& it is well with me."