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no, this will no longer be a negation of ineffable feelings/thoughts,
nor an attempt to remain impervious to inevitable changes.

i used to think that this unsettling stoicism in my psyche was borne out of an interactive, constant cycle of pelting & numbing,
but today i've realised that this unease is precisely the product of acceptance (which should not be used interchangeably with resignation) that has been gradually defusing into my veins, so gradual that it has become unconscious & one with my being

& so, this will now form the cement of the ground i am treading on.
it has started to become a recontextualisation, a redefinition - the same things that had once made my heart sink into its cavern can now sing & bestow blessings.

things that used to remind me of the vacuous will now merely remind me, of me.
(how do i put this properly into words but freedom comes two-fold for me in this season)

!! so immensely & positively hyped up bc life begins when this weekend ends !!
(yes, life has yet to begin)

all hail literature

thoughts on the last literature paper (at least for a while, or probably forever - idk) yesterday:

immense relief bc lit had hitherto been akin to a blunt knife chafing at me with the intensity of unfulfilled expectations

but there was inevitably also a sense of loss bc i think i've befriended almost every single primary character in all of my literature texts  (with the exception of the duchess- lol sorry stoic, death-defying martyr) & perhaps lived vicariously through them in some way or another:

newland archer: as much as he is an absolute douche who makes me want to punch his face sometimes, i think he is probably the character i can identify with the most (& i have mentioned this countless of times but aoi arguably has one of the best endings ever - it really couldn't have ended any other way) 

ellen olenska: her unconventionality is so freaking attractive!!! 

silas marner: sh mentioned as a passing comment before (in jest) that i resemble mr marner in my propensity for solitude (to the point of complete social isolation), treacliness (while he couldn't bear to dispose off his broken earthenware pot, i couldn't find it in myself to throw away my old pair of lounge shoes despite buying a new pair) & liking for dull-coloured things, all of which i completely agree 

nancy lammeter: she is such an unlikely character but i can almost identify with her fetishism demonstrated in her visits to her drawer of hand-sewn clothes for her still-born child (the occasional, night visits to the closet of  thoughts/feelings/ideas in the banished recesses of my head - unborn, incorporeal ideals that i thought i had already given proper burial to). but yes, like her, i think i can also safely say that i have renounced the habit of visiting these desolate places again (or at least haven't suffered a relapse)  

lady windermere: "we all have ideals in life. at least we all should have" - i think this says it all

vivie warren: like vivie, i think i aspire to be a less dire version of the New Woman archetype - & like her,  i think individuality functions as my defense mechanism from getting hurt (it kind of goes hand in hand with my inclination for ideals, i think) 

i really love how literature is more omnipresent than one thinks - it is everywhere, because "the air of ideas is the only air worth breathing". 

& i thank God & "dead poet's society" for giving me the courage to take the one subject that i can safely say (regardless of the future results) that i do not regret taking

Your hands

for only You - & nothing nor anyone else, can make me brave

'but He said to me, "My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.' (2 cor 12:9) 

take me from strength to strength & glory to glory, just like You've promised