immense relief bc lit had hitherto been akin to a blunt knife chafing at me with the intensity of unfulfilled expectations
but there was inevitably also a sense of loss bc i think i've befriended almost every single primary character in all of my literature texts (with the exception of the duchess- lol sorry stoic, death-defying martyr) & perhaps lived vicariously through them in some way or another:
newland archer: as much as he is an absolute douche who makes me want to punch his face sometimes, i think he is probably the character i can identify with the most (& i have mentioned this countless of times but aoi arguably has one of the best endings ever - it really couldn't have ended any other way)
ellen olenska: her unconventionality is so freaking attractive!!!
silas marner: sh mentioned as a passing comment before (in jest) that i resemble mr marner in my propensity for solitude (to the point of complete social isolation), treacliness (while he couldn't bear to dispose off his broken earthenware pot, i couldn't find it in myself to throw away my old pair of lounge shoes despite buying a new pair) & liking for dull-coloured things, all of which i completely agree
nancy lammeter: she is such an unlikely character but i can almost identify with her fetishism demonstrated in her visits to her drawer of hand-sewn clothes for her still-born child (the occasional, night visits to the closet of thoughts/feelings/ideas in the banished recesses of my head - unborn, incorporeal ideals that i thought i had already given proper burial to). but yes, like her, i think i can also safely say that i have renounced the habit of visiting these desolate places again (or at least haven't suffered a relapse)
lady windermere: "we all have ideals in life. at least we all should have" - i think this says it all
vivie warren: like vivie, i think i aspire to be a less dire version of the New Woman archetype - & like her, i think individuality functions as my defense mechanism from getting hurt (it kind of goes hand in hand with my inclination for ideals, i think)
i really love how literature is more omnipresent than one thinks - it is everywhere, because "the air of ideas is the only air worth breathing".
& i thank God & "dead poet's society" for giving me the courage to take the one subject that i can safely say (regardless of the future results) that i do not regret taking
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