the bad:
(i shall start with the bad so that the worth of what's good will be amplified & leave a sweet aftertaste)
i feel poisoned, back at square one with the discrepancy between ideals and whatever that's set before me. this is not working out to be even half the glory of what i'd envisaged and so carefully mapped out in my head.
(a) for one, i feel absolutely hideous in the uniform. most of the time when (my new friend e, if i am lucky) & i am "uncaged" for our one hour & fifteen minutes respite aka lunch/dinner break, i find myself lowering my head while striding through the crowds - praying that no one will spot me and recognise me from afar, esp if they are not friends but mere acquaintances. i do not need the uniform to fortify the dreary feeling of looking like a midget. as i'd told s & j before, confidence level in uniform has hit an all-time low of negative 20%, thank you v much ______.
(b) feeling (pretty) small in the same physical place which had used to make me feel so invincible & intellectually empowered. i think that the acuteness of this tenable feeling (tenable bc this is what being a solitary newbie at a foreign workplace feels like) will & is slowly thawing off with every working day, but it nevertheless still feels like crap to be fearful of a place which had once brought me so much solace. getting lost then felt like the confluence of wanderlust & camaraderie (with the physical space), but getting lost now (both literally & figuratively) just makes me wanna crawl up into a ball & hide myself from disapproving eyes.
(something visceral tells me that working at a favourite place merely kills its former charm bc you realise that the image projected is called a projection for a reason - but it is too late & i have got to make the best out of it.)
(c) feeling invisible (or wishing that i were invisible, just like "kenji the ghost" - i think he is my new fictional idol in this juncture of my life) for most of the time in the staff pantry. people's happiness is just too loud. the effusive & vociferous laughter which are not mine just makes me want to will myself away bc they make me feel so lonely. (not that i feel close enough to want to join them, or am hankering after their friendship, esp with the inherent old-new staff divide. having said this, i am not taking pity on myself bc self-pity is something i loathe; read on before you jump to conclusions please)
(d) basically i am just disillusioned in general. the charm of the physical place has not altered, but it is knowing the people who run this physical space & seeing through their habits which ruin its incantation-like value. this is a place which sells probably the largest no. of books in the country but it seems like only a small handful of people care about reading. perhaps i am being too harsh & applying the same standards i have on others (which is wrong, i know) but something in me just cannot live well with that. even so, i just want to put a disclaimer out there that the people are not so bad as my words have framed the general impression of them. even within the experienced staff, there is kindness & occasional beauty - that feeling of affirmation or warmth from knowing that they are trying to put me at ease. this makes the bad more forgiving, i guess.
the good:
(a)(i) feeling absolutely ugly in the uniform with a confidence level hitting negative 20% also means that i feel almost like cinderella spinning into her dazzling blue ball gown (with pixie dust encircling her) whenever i change into own comfortable clothes, & subsequently feel more like me again. working at _____ has shelled my confidence level considerably, but it always comes back in stronger waves whenever labour time expires & time becomes mine again.
(b)(i) while exposure to the behind-the-scenes has nearly killed the allure of this bookstore (what i absolutely love about ______ is the authentic & unconventional japanese feel that it emanates, which runs concurrent with my increasing enchantment with japanese literature), it has also simultaneously made up for that emaciated favourable impression by opening my eyes to the serenity of its closure. getting to see the shutters come down, signalling its closure & still be able to walk within its grounds with hardly a soul in sight is one of the most enthralling feelings ever. this is what i mean by a solitary expedition; this is my favourite version of losing myself, even if it is for a short moment.
(c)(i) learning how to be invincible while invisible is a pretty damn good feeling. choosing solitude by deliberate choice has always made me feel indefeasible, ever since jc days. shoving in my earphones with my favourite soundcloud beats while reading a jap lit novel in the middle of a crowded pantry & subsequently finding myself transported into another realm with its storyline is my way of feeling self-assured again. no one can make me feel irrelevant !!!! no one can relegate me to the peripheries without my consent !!! (i may look pitiful, even pathetic, to the crowd but i am damn sure that i am not & that is what matters.) of course, this only happens when my newbie comrades are not around aka different breaktimes/shifts/workdays.
(d)(i) also, my newbie comrades are really lovely people, even if i don't know them well enough yet. this makes me vow to myself to treat newbies right & well when i get a little more experienced in the future (provided i don't quit lol). i think that there are many learning points from the bad too. the bad makes me remember who is or have been good to me, so that i can reciprocate my goodwill next time when i become a customer again.
(ii) long & tiring working hours just compel me to treasure my off-days & after-working hours fiercely, which is something that i haven't done since a level days. after weeks of floating around feeling like an aimless bum with no prospects, i need to appreciate the fact that there is finally some structure now; afterall, there is good in structure too (even though it may not be what i'd imagined it to be; also i believe that God has placed me here for a reason - my original reason was & is to learn more about the retailing aspect of the publishing industry, but i am still quite certain that He has other plans for me to grow me here too - afterall this job is a result of nearly three weeks of almost idle waiting & fervent prayers for His favour. maybe learning to love is one? it is so hard to suppress the rising feeling of indignance at mistreatment // feeling exploited // feeling like someone is not worthy of assuming a haughty presence in front of me & making me feel small just bc of seniority - most of the time i cannot help but find myself thinking that if their physical outlook fails to add value to their overall appeal, then they should all the more use good character to compensate for what they cannot help, which is a really bad thought. yes, maybe learning to love is why i am here.)
(on a completely irrelevant note: if i am definitely not a feminist bc i believe that there are indeed some things that males can do better than their female counterparts e.g physical fitness, for one; yet i still strongly believe in the inherent worth of being a female - which entails feeling empowered, strong, individualistic etc, & also get angered by insensitive comments of males thinking that it is their prerogative to have females serve their needs...what am i really?? a 21st century New Woman ???)
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