i have been imagining two diametrically opposed scenarios at once & i feel alittle like a faux version of moses who pretends he hears god but everything is too abstruse to be definitive & perhaps he has mixed up his impression of the promised land & maybe there is no godliness in his heart, no desire for glorification but only avarice for the coveted milk & honey (sidenote: i laughed even in my seriousness at that ref). if only i could know what was on god's heart for me now call me impatient but i feel like this wait is expending my self-established armistice bc i recall how hard it was but i gritted my teeth & hardened my heart on an alternative decision so there could be some closure - maybe finality will come tomorrow but for tonight -
i really wish i could have my cake & eat it - for once. the ultimatum may perhaps not be the ultimatum anymore but i still want it, even if it means experiencing a dilemma like never before.
(even the rays of the setting evening sun are relentless & scorching in an indoor bus interchange. if nature is already harsh & fighting till its last breath, i can only envisage the harshness of a wrong decision in the real world. either way, it will be both a blessing & a curse.)
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