coexistence

social interactions are so inexhaustibly exhausting but i think i am slowly forming a vague idea about what this place is about - the overarching college tagline that encompasses the essence of coexistence i.e. asia & the world is starting to strike a parallel with my new found propensity for coexistence within my psyche itself. my domineering introversion can now invite its extroverted counterpart for (what now almost feels like) cohabitation.

4.8.15, 9 a.m. / 2h boat ride in laos 

(i wrote:)

"foliage. the smiles of the local community at the passing boat which houses this bunch of rowdy college teens. me. recharging. more foliage. the way the roots are anchored to the bottom of the river bed - some shrubs fully submerged & some rearing what little token of resistance, of a fight to breathe above the murky mekong. the breeze - the cool of the wind glazing over my face & ruffling through my hair. the smiths in the background. excess exuberance. vociferous people. not me. the abandoned sampan. the useless tire dangling from the boat - either rendered completely invalid or extremely relevant i.e. man overboard. the inner quiet & invincibility rising from my chest. 

how this all feels so familiar, like the dawn of j1 in my secret garden at rj, resting on the peripheries. i may be in a different environment, with completely different people, but i am still the same. even the gap of years are futile in reforming where my psyche gravitates towards.

breathe soul, breathe, as you take in a drag of solitude, & the indescribably, satisfactory feeling of pen on paper, of alienating yourself (by choice) from the heart of social interaction." 

+ 

9.8.15, 12.30 a.m. / post-social night

is college opening this pair of latent eyes or lending me a pair of new ones? last night feels almost unreal bc it was truly my virgin experience of going to the zenith of social activity i.e. an in-house mixer - something i had prided myself on being absolutely apathetic about/had vehemently set in my heart not to participate during jc/post-as bc i truly saw no point in establishing flippant relationships hovering on the edge of drunkenness/warm bodies clumping together in reckless abandonment to really loud house music. & the twist is that i truly enjoyed it. i surprise myself by admitting that i really enjoyed dancing with new friends under the slight influence of an induced high from alcohol (note: i was still extremely sober despite the high bc self-protection is still extremely prized in my dictionary) with flashing lights that reduced visibility to near zero bc it was just so blinding. there was something about giving myself up to the beats (& beats are rly my thing) - the communion-like feeling of being whole with a crowd (i have almost always felt alone in a crowd, so this was truly a first in a long, long while.) yet, what i simultaneously loved about it was (& is still) how consent was still ultimately mine to give, that as opposed to oppressive peer pressure, i could still be truly proud of personal decisions that might have been contrary to what was popular/normalised in this budding culture i.e. not to swear/smoke/get drunk (present tense still applies).  

jc me would have scoffed at college me & perhaps even moralised about the danger of being compromised esp since alcohol is infamous for clouding judgement etc but college me attributes this to necessary growth that is more akin to the real world than excessive sheltering. 

juggling personal christian values & standing firm in them while simultaneously exploring the world beyond my shell; finding that times for quietness & times for expending my social battery may not be mutually exclusive -

there is a point for convergence, for coexistence.