i am slowly owning my name & making it mine: 凯励 - the former a character for victory (& glory); the latter for hard work. i know good names are given in hopes of becoming prophetic destinies, but to think it encapsulates perfectly my mindset for this season of my life. i will constantly strive towards victory, with nothing but pure, unadulterated hard work. i am twenty, & twenty is prime.
walking back from the gym, my heart could do nothing else but soar from its chest. i have a far from perfect life, but life now (i can't speak for the future but at this very moment) feels so, so right, & i am content. i have a loving family, & parents who look forward to my homecoming every weekend / i have mended the relationships i thought i was ready to give up - & if one day (god forbid) i ever lost the chance to, i know i wouldn't beat myself up over being too petty, or too naive to think that life is predictable & people live forever. death is a sobering thought, & it teaches me & the people it leaves behind how to carpe diem the shit out of life / i survived writing a full-blown chemistry lab report involving something as complex as nmr spectroscopy when i hadn't taken chemistry since i was sixteen / i can finally tell you who the heck tocqueville, durkheim or weber are - heck i can even tell you who khaldun is & explicate his philosophy of social organisation, or tell you why marx is actually not as crazy as the future leaders who took & warped his philosophy make him sound. knowledge is such an empowering thing - studying for mst was crap but finally seeing the light span from a tunnel into an entire spectrum remains one of my most favourite feelings ever / i exceeded my laughter quota today: miks came over & we all had such a great laugh as old friends; charis' shoulder is still as sturdy as ever for an exhausted me (who ran from classes to classes/work for seven consecutive hours) to lean on, & soh has been over so many times she already feels like an honorary member of our college / i had a good workout at the gym / i am independent, with nothing to weigh me down, i am free to fly & do as i please, i am free to be myself, free from having to curate my actions for the sake of someone else, or make myself any lesser, or pin the way i perceive myself on a counterpart
- there are so many little things to be thankful for.
if busyness has taught me one thing it's that i get stupid thoughts in my head when i am idle. decided to take on the final project before calling it quits, & i can foresee how much busier i'll become but i am actually beyond hyped to put myself out there again, even if it inevitably entails feeling out of my element again. feel the need to scream this out but !! how liberating it is to no longer give a damn about something so inconsequential like blue ticks that used to peeve the crap out of me !! or whether my messages are being reciprocated with equal intensity !! how liberating it is to be freed from pining itself, even though half the time i could never put a finger to what i was pining for. a hand to hold? the prized sensation of two separate lips fusing into one? i don't know. i was constantly finding an idol to pin all my lost affections on, but of course idols never satisfy. though this is not to discount the quality of the company - they were all good while they lasted, & i am thankful for all of them. they were all nothing, but while they were happening in real-time they made me feel pretty damn alive to be able to feel again.
interests are fleeting but education leading to self-empowerment is forever. i don't know what took me so long but it's this realisation that education is the only thing that will be unwaveringly for you, in multiple senses of the word. love will come when it comes, & i will wait for it - but i am done pursuing it.
i know my worth, & i will not let the world determine it on my behalf.
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