on ending the semester

looking back after every semester over the past three semesters of college thus far i've always been in awe of how i've emerged - stronger, alittle wiser, alittle bolder, alittle clearer about how i've come to understand myself, & how writing about it has never failed to reconstruct abstruse thoughts into more concrete like structures, & how certain old habits still die hard - my fondness for lowercases & my adamant dislike for punctuations bc they break the fluidity of the streams of consciousness in my head such that separating thoughts into sentences would render them inorganic -

but this semester had been particularly trying - emotionally, academically & even interpersonally - having to deal with loss, mourning, the fierce rigour of concussing with the sciences (which i'd hitherto eschewed from the moment i could), toxic people, inertia, failure (or feeling like a failure, feeling like i was holding up the ceiling & it was finally crashing), traversing through grey spaces, facing my fears - 

i think in this semester i've lost count of how many times i had gotten so angry with myself for being such a paradoxical character - confusing myself (& confusing others ??) bc i could never find a solution to reconciling both dichotomic strands of myself; deciding in the end that i'll go with the flow & go ahead until it stops feeling right - how do i reconcile my inclination towards structure with a simultaneous desire to grow & abandon myself into free-falling - to try new things & to live, live & live in the moment without letting sense & sensibility kill every attempt at giving myself up to the feeling that 20 is prime, that being in the prime years of my life gives me free lease to do whatever the hell i want, to experience whatever i can get my hands on & to never stop growing, to try a myriad of things so that i'll make more informed choices in the future, even if it means listening to the freudian voices in my head as long as they still feel somewhat right - 

this semester i've learnt to speak up in class alittle more, to believe in my abilities (even though half the time i still feel like an imposter with nothing substantial to offer to the world), to stop crippling myself with expectations (in all plausible aspects) - to try, give it my all & let it rest at that - sometimes people (including profs.) like what you have to offer & some don't, & sometimes you win but other times you lose - i am here to receive an education & it is invariably for me, not to cripple me by restricting how i experiment with my words, thoughts or ideas - & definitely my perceived self-worth i.e. the entire grades = self-worth battle we all go through. 

i've learnt that nothing is static - certainly not i: every semester i find myself alittle more liberal than i had been the previous semester; my thoughts & conception of what remains acceptable & not have constantly evolved & expanded & i'm thankful for old friends who see that side of me & still embrace me for who i am & have become. i am constantly pushing boundaries (these structures) within me (in more ways than one) & realising that it is indeed increasingly possible to separate the emotional from the physical (even though touch is my ultimate love language), or to let live in the moment without defining which stage of life i'm at. i guess you could say i am happy with where i am, even though where i am will definitely keep changing, like everything around me. 

i've learnt that touch is an incredibly dangerous love language to have - do i harbour fondness for the person who gives me the hugs & cuddles i pine for, who can hold me when i am in need of someone to hold etc., or for the sensation of feeling like i am loved & valued? through the various suite parties i've been to i've realised that even with alcohol i am still cognizant of my surroundings (albeit incredibly tired) - i know what i am doing, but experience my threshold for what's acceptable & not lowering by a gaping notch (as celine explained to me last night with her ubc knowledge: alcohol lowers inhibitions more than it lowers sobriety i.e. we may still be sober but find unacceptable ways of behaviours increasingly acceptable bc we are gradually doing away with the societal constraints we put upon ourselves to act with propriety). i end up hugging & holding hands with platonic guy buddies a lot when we're dancing - & the fact that i remember all these after waking up from a whirlwind night is just indicative of how i've never been completely drunk before. but i guess that will be the way i express love & friendship to people i care about in a world void of societal constraints, & i am not abashed to admit this, even though i definitely don't come across as a touchy person (touch is an important love language to me precisely bc i don't go around hugging people i am not familiar with? but if i like you as a friend i'll probably wrap my arms around your neck if you're a straight female (bc backhugs! r! the! best!) - i wish i could do it with male buddies too but i guess i wouldn't want to send the wrong signals so i'll only do it when i'm terribly inebriated perhaps).  

i've learnt that kindness is probably the most important trait i am looking for in a prospective partner - i've overlooked it for so long but through & through i've realised it's the subtle trait that determines if something feels right or not. i believe the marker of a right relationship should be feeling like the other person brings out the best in me - that is: making me think of god (whom i also tend to forget very easily) - to be able to talk about god as a friend & to be able to joke about our relationship with god without taking offence; of being a kinder person, especially towards my family whom we all tend to show our nastiest side towards (which is why i absolutely hate it when people throw around the word 'family' so easily - no, if we meet just once a week we are not a family, if we are a community of individuals who don't really know each other we are also not a family - family's only family if you are completely yourself around them i.e. the way you talk to your parents after a terrible day at school, or when your hormone levels are sky-high wonky bc you are on your period etc.), and making me feel most myself i.e. when i can express my opinions freely without feeling like i'm being slighted, when i don't feel like i have to pander to anything to make you like me, when i can show you my quirks & laugh about it without feeling i have to be ashamed about it. kindness seems to be the basis of love - it's so important that someone is genuinely kind bc it really shapes the way they see the world, and the way they treat people, including strangers. on an abrupt & alternate note: i've also learnt that even after things are done & dusted that there will always be something special about the first of experiences. 

i've learnt that it is a blessing to be able to come home to something - that material riches are ultimately still secondary to the way i feel so loved when my mum brisk-walks out of her room when i come home, or when my dad calls me his "lucky star" & "dear girl". money is important but marx frames it well when he says it should merely be a means to an end. in the end, love is still what grounds me & fills me up inside. 

& finally, of the little things: i've learnt that when i listen to certain tracks they unlock a hidden part in my soul that drives the way i feel, love & act; & how music is a social activity - it really strengthens friendships, which i am so thankful for. i've learnt that the gym is my battlefield where i will ultimately emerge victorious - i guess you could say it's second to only jesus, whenever i feel like i flop or a blob i'll pray and/or go for a workout & then feel like i can do life again. i've learnt that my favourite view in college is overlooking the saga towers from the elm courtyard at night after a good workout session & cigs after sex/bublé/oh wonder in my ears - there is just something about seeing the community & physical space i live in light up / the stillness of the night juxtaposed against the bright lights emanating from rooms with people still awake at 12 midnight, & the moon (bc penprase & bc i've never looked at the moon in the same way ever since) (i gym at such an odd hour bc i love to end my day feeling like i've invested in myself through & through). i've learnt that supper is still my favourite meal & happiness is as simple as nissin's tomyum cup noodles past midnight. i've learnt that suite parties are the best kind of parties bc it is the only time i can reconnect with my ultra busy friends and/or finally make friends with acquaintances i keep seeing around school. i've learnt that four shots in under fifteen minutes will make me throw up, but through that i've also learnt that friends who let you lean on them (literally)/ feed you water when the sleepy drunk you is on the verge of making a bed out of the floor/ pull your hair out of the sink when you're throwing up/ see you back to your suite & even cycle you back when the distance is a ten minute walk within the campus / clean up your unceremonious puke on their floor without annoyance at its inconvenience or disgust - they are all keepers. i've learnt that (perhaps) i can actually do (basic) astrophysics (& now i also know what exoplanets are & how they work, which i am quite proud of). i've also learnt that i am perhaps a more determined person than how i perceive myself to be. i've also learnt that it is possible to cram 23 topics into two days if i put my mind into it (& camp at the library from morning to the wee hours of the next morning). i've also learnt that in a warped way i can now appreciate examinations for forcing me to go through content i'd otherwise be too lazy to absorb. i think i really appreciate the half-&-half emphasis on both papers & exams - i was lucky this semester to have only two finals, out of four. it's a good balance between learning how to think for myself & mastering content i.e. feeling like i've walked away from an entire semester with concrete knowledge & definitions. in a way it is a microcosm of the paradox inherent in me - the strife between needing structure & freedom simultaneously. 

it's funny how it's so human to complain when the going gets tough but having conquered the semester: at exactly the halfway mark i will still proclaim deep down that this place feels so right.